By Martin “The Baron” Hubley
The
idea of going to prison is a scary one indeed. If you’re like me you’ve
spent a lot of time thinking about how well you would handle yourself
“inside”. You probably think you’re pretty hot stuff when it comes to
prison self-defense, but what do you really know? Not much.

I,
on the other hand, have spent much of my time doing research about
prison on the internet and watching prison films and shows (I’ve seen
at least 4 complete films about jail!). So as you can see, I have a lot
to offer when it comes to advice on how to survive in “the klink”. So
please read on, ladies and gentlemen, for The Baron’s Guide to Prison.

Some
of the less streetwise among you may have noticed that I used the word
“klink” in the opening paragraph and might be wondering what this
means. This is what is called “slang” or “streets lingo”. The criminals
use these words in prison to throw the guards off the trail.

For
example, if an inmate said “I am going to punch Todd in the head” the
guards would scold him. But if he were to say “I’m going to punch
todd’s chrome dome” they would likely shake their heads in confusion.
This is the beauty of slang. Here are some other prison terms you
should be familiar with:

These terms all refer to the jail itself. One example of a popular jail is Sing Sing. This place is hell on wheels.

To
escape from prison. Often prisoners think it’s funny to try to escape
from jail. This just ruins it for others, so don’t mess around. If you
have something important going on outside you can try asking for a day
pass.

Skank

Murdering another inmate. In prison, murder can be deadly!

Short
for “Recording Room”. This is where some of the guards sit and watch
video cameras of the inmates to make sure no funny business goes on.

Rat Fink

Someone who snitches on other inmates. Note: The photo on the right might make you chuckle, but ratting in the joint is no joke!

You
don’t want to go here! If you are very bad the warden will put you in
the box. Some examples of what can get you put in the box: Escape
attempt, punching another inmate, messing in your pants, sexually
assaulting yourself or another inmate, kicking another inmate, poking
or prodding another inmate with any sort of implement, and talking out
of turn.

One important aspect while you’re in a prison is trying to stay alive. Here I will lay out a number of DO’s and DO NOT’s for you. Follow them wisely or risk somebody 187ing (homiciding) you.

DO NOT
make sexually explicit jokes or pose in a sensual way in front of other
inmates, even as a prank. They may see this as an invitation to have
intercourse with you.

DO
take advantage of free credit the other inmates may offer you on your
first day. It’s a heck of a deal to be able to get free cigarettes (or
ciggys as they are sometimes called) and food on the first day without
cash. Usually the inmates who loan you will accept money later or else
find other ways that you can provide a service to repay them.
Surprisingly this deal is usually offered only to new inmates, so take
advantage of all the offers you can; it’s a buyers market!

DO NOT
take drugs of any kind. The temptation may be great to shoot up some
reefer or snort a cocaine but resist the urge. Remember the words of
MickGruff: “Just say no! Woff!”


DO NOT let
other inmates push you around. On your first day you have to let them
know you are better than them. Things like ordering them around,
calling their sexuality into question, and waving your genitals at them
go a long way towards showing them who’s boss. Everyone will share a
good laugh, and at the end of the day you may have just made a few new
friends!

DO
look to larger inmates for companionship, but don’t let it go too far.
When inmates who are bigger than you come up to you and ask you for a
kiss or a date, it’s important that you play their game and show you’re
part of the prison team. But don’t reject them outright. Prisoners have
feelings too.

So try coming up behind the inmate, putting your
hands on his shoulders, and applying a firm and gentle pressure as if
to say “I’m here for you friend, but not in that way”. Then, whisper
softly in the his ear that you are not a homosexual but that if you
ever changed your mind he would be the first person you came to because
he certainly is the most attractive gay man you’ve ever seen. Then
lightly caress his inner thigh. Believe it or not, flattery will get
you everywhere.

Before
I mentioned gangs, and they are an extremely important part of prison
life. I know on the outside most of you are probably frightened of
gangs. I know I certainly am, on many occasions I have been harassed by
gangs. This includes the incident I discussed in a Previous Article when
some thugs threw Dr. Pepper all over my Naruto costume! I have to say,
it isn’t a pretty sight walking down the street at night and seeing a
gang coming your way. I personally recommend hiding in a dumpster when
you spot 3 or more people approaching you at any time.

But in
prison it is a different matter entirely: Gangs are very important to

your survival. Interestingly enough there is usually the same type of
gang in every prison across the nation, so how do you decide which gang
is right for you? Well I was going to make a racial chart to show which
gang to join by your race but it looked a little racist, so I will just
tell you that you should know which one you belong to. Remember: Don’t
be afraid to go up to each gang and ask politely “can I please be in
your guys’s gang?” the worst thing that can happen is that they say no.

In
prison, the guards can be a better friend to you than any inmate. At
first they will treat you like every other criminal in there, but what
you need to do is to let them know somehow that you aren’t the same as
the others, and that you’re actually still better than them.

Many
times prisoners will admit to committing crimes just because they want
to feel “cool” or part of the ‘in’ crowd. This is a bad idea, because
if the guards hear you doing this they will think you are a true
criminal and won’t want to be your friend. And speaking of friends, the
photo you’ll see on the left is my friend Tobey, flashing some bling
blang.

But most important is keeping a positive attitude. No
matter what you’ve done, be it the brutal beating of an elderly couple
in their home, or the gruesome murder of an innocent set of newborn
twins, you must always say to yourself: “I am innocent. I committed no
crime. I am a good and kind human being.” If you tell yourself you’re
innocent, soon you will be! In any case, here are some tips having to
do with guards:

Present the Guards with Presents. Being
in prison you don’t have access to much, but a half-empty carton of
milk from the mess hall filled with your own urine or a homemade
ketchup and napkin greeting card goes a long way in saying “I care
about you and I want you to make sure I don’t get knifed in the storage
closet”.

Compliment Them. Prison
guards have a thankless job, and they don’t often receive praise or
kind words at work. Give them heartfelt compliments like: “Boy, you
sure are looking nice today Wiggins” or “Those are some great-fitting
pants you’re wearing Donnovan, to what side to you dress?” or when a
guard notices you looking at them and asks what you’re looking at just
say “Oh nothing, I was just admiring your beauty.”

Help Out. Offer
your services to the guards in exchange for a little respect. Offering
to carry a guard’s books or making a home-cooked sweet potato pie for a
guard is not at all inappropriate. In fact, gangsters of the 40s and
50s were known to be very friendly with the guards, and look how
popular they were.

Snitch on Everyone.
Every
time you see another inmate doing something wrong, such as selling a
drug or running in the halls: Tell a guard (or the nearest adult). Be
sure the other prisoners see you doing it too, you’d be surprised how
many of them might want to follow your good example and report to the
guards as well.

Enjoy Yourself!
Lest I forget, there’s just one final bit of advice I’ve got for you:
Have fun! Don’t let prison get you down, there’s a silver lining to
every dark cloud! Whether you’re in for 100 days, or 100 years,
there are plenty of great times to be had in jail. Shoot some bones
(dice), enjoy a hot meal, catch up on those Star Wars Novels you never
had time for, but most of all, have a darn good time. Just tell ‘em The
Baron sent you!