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World Of Warcraft: An Irrelevant Review

I had been watching a program on television about a game
called World Of Warcraft. “That certainly is interesting.” I
might have been heard to remark after the show had ended, “I do enjoy programs which describe various items of interest;
perhaps I should learn more about this particular item.”
Unfortunately, I was immediately distracted by a commercial for
Superman
Crunch cereal and forgot what I had just said. The
next day the show aired again, and after watching it a
second time I decided to write this article.

I had been watching a program on television about a game
called World Of Warcraft. “That certainly is interesting.” I
might have been heard to remark after the show had ended, “I do enjoy programs which describe various items of interest;
perhaps I should learn more about this particular item.”
Unfortunately, I was immediately distracted by a commercial for
Superman
Crunch cereal and forgot what I had just said. The
next day the show aired again, and after watching it a
second time I decided to write this article.

I.
Essence


First, I took a look at a description of the game. This
particular synopsis is taken from a Russian television news station’s
website (FabrikaZvezd 26/74.k64 TV), and was translated into English
using an online translator. It has been edited for clarity:

Peace Warcraft!

Novel game story it
observes one man’.s cooling journey into mouth of insane.A Certain
characters natured journey down the filth Missesipi. is which
izbeubezhali slave is involved, being named Jim. Called by women press
is beautiful be present on parties upscale, and nailbiting
socio-political (-.political(!) intrigues occurs also. Some of people
speak; you will not look the horse of gift in the eye. If have heard
these statement, you will confidently take pleasure with this film or
item.

I’m not sure if this is an
entirely accurate description of the game, but it almost should seem
like it probably might be.

II.
Mechanism

Next, I decided to get my
hands on a free trial of this critically verbalsexed piece of software
and give it the old college try. I went to blizzard’s website and
started up their official bittorrent downloader client. Now, it seems
only logical to me that Blizzard would use a few of their millions to
create a good quality downloader for what could be the biggest game in
history. Instead, it seems that what blizzard has actually done is to
simply grab a pre-beta of an ALPHA version of the original bare bones
bittorrent client, take out all the extra features, and call it their
downloader.

Well, actually I’m being a bit harsh on Blizzard. They’ve actually
added one important new feature to the client: The ability not to be
able to set a maximum upload speed. Let’s visit FabrikaZvezd 26/74.k64 TV.com
again for a description of the downloader:

Never
once again will you worried about
using a basic web browser to look at the websites(L). When you use our
that patented downloader Bli?.zzard, we automatically staturape your
all the entire connection for you immediately, free of charges. To the
game of the responsibilities of new from your perpendicular hatred for
laziness and pompous of blizzard. Hail>

Not quite sure what that one’s
supposed to mean. Here’s a short un-translated open letter to Blizzard
from me though: Clean up your act you sons of B’s!

glitch
Wheeeeeee!

III.
Genesis

Prepare
to be amazed. If you are a new visitor to the World of Warcraft
universe, you will certainly be struck by the sheer depth of the
character creator. In fact, it is so grand that it has been reported
that many players smell burning hair the first time they attempt to
create a character. Safety
Notice: If you actually do smell burning
hair and there is nothing burning nearby: Seek medical attention
immediately, you may be having a stroke.
There are no less
than 3 different faces and 4 different hairstyles
available for each race! I allow a second here for you to pick your jaw
up off the floor so I can continue. Seriously folks, when presented
with the character creator for the first time I actually had to back
away from my computer screen and lie nude on the floor while I wept and
radiated joy to all corners of the universe. I stumbled to my
feet and lunged violently about the room in a
daze, slurring curses and swinging at unseen assailants, my mind
intoxicated by blizzard’s exhilarating tonic. I have seen the face of
God.

For example I decided to create a troll
character. Would I choose the frownie troll face with spiky anime hair?
Or perhaps the glowering under bite troll with a minutely different
style
of spiky anime hair would better suit my fancy. Oh my; again I am
feeling faint… pull it together. Whew. Anyway, after you craft the
“look” of your
character, you also must pick a class. There are only a few different
classes, it really doesn’t matter what you pick. All the
class will affect is which skills you are going to be complaining about
when Blizzard patches the game.

Trolls hate attacks
Protip:
Trolls hate attacks

IV.
Facade

Before
a person first “steps” into the world for the first
time, they would be wise to put on some sort of ocular protection. This
game is obscenely colorful. Imagine
eating a casserole which contains an episode of Dragon Ball Z, the
old Rankin Bass Hobbit cartoon from the 70’s, and a rainbow
float from a gay pride parade. Then imagine projectile vomiting all of the chunky fluid which this would create in your stomach
onto your monitor. Most likely, you will have imagined World of
Warcraft’s graphics.

Kidz
Korner:

When
they were handing out looks, this game thought they said books, and it
said: “Can I have Flowers for Algernon?” It
actually turned out that they didn’t have any copies of that
particular book left.

But I kid my good friend World of Warcraft. It looks alright
for an older game. “Maybe it has a good
personality…” the
average MMO gamer might be heard to remark as he licks Cheetos dust
from his wispy mustache and gently presses two more
twinkies into his mouth with the palm of his hand. All in good time, my
morbidly obese friend, all in good time… But let us discuss the
visuals for a bit longer:

If you have chosen a troll, you will be delighted to find that
the wacky spiked hair you’ve chosen for him was even MORE
wacky than I you had imagined! The designers, having apparently decided
that it was far too
difficult and time consuming to create three-dimensional hair, just
went on ahead and made the hair a one dimensional in-game sheet of
paper, and then folded it across the troll’s head twice like
a cardboard burger king crown.

trolls

A
group of troll bandits guards the road to Tirisifal
Glades

I
believe this is a slightly less high-tech version of the way the old
flat cutout crowds in old Playstation 1 racing games worked. You know,
the spectators who watch from the side of the road as you race by.
There they will forever linger, and one can’t help but feel sorry for
the
little guys. They would get to me you know, those wretched souls.
Eventually I would decide to put them out of their misery.

Of course it would need to look like an accident. Something
clean. The back tires conveniently sliding loose on that hairpin turn
in front of the stadium. A tiny slip of the wheel at the crest of dead
man’s hill. Of course it always ended the same way. A thunderous
collision with empty space, the car rebounding inches from those
good-natured smiles. Curse the wicked architect of those invisible
walls! In my dreams, they haunt me still. Those savage faces;
grinning
wildly like speed-crazed race fan junkies.

I will be strong. Let the
pills wash the pain away.

IV.
Allure

Now
we arrive at what most people would call the most important aspect of
any game: Gameplay. My mission was to find out if this particular title
was worth the 55+12+12+12~ dollars. What did I find out? Here is what
your money buys:

  1. Talk to guy
  2. He says get 15 items by killing (Beasts
    – Humans – Monsters)

  3. Kill 15 (Beasts – Humans
    – Monsters)

  4. Kill 53 more (Beasts – Humans
    – Monsters) because only 1/23 drop the item you need.

  5. Talk to guy again
  6. Guy gives you a shoe/cape/wooden mitten
  7. Repeat
  8. Repeat
  9. Weep
  10. Repeat
  11. Death of joy
Death

And still there exist people, HUMAN BEINGS who do, being of sound body
and mind, pledge the entirety of their lives to this wretched and
hollow clanking machine! Not a game, but an online fabricated
simulacrum of the likeness of a knock-off of a treadmill. And running
diligently on this treadmill each day does not bring weight loss and
good cheer, no! It is a reverse treadmill (Strike that! Reverse it!
Wonka shouts, flailing wildly at a sniveling oompa-loompa).
Massive weight gain and an apathy towards relatives and acquaintances
are the player’s only bittersweet rewards. Curse you Saruman!

V. Cataclysm

One dismal evening, in the not-too-distant
future, you take a shortcut through a shadowed alley. A stooped figure
approaches from the darkness. It seems to gaze through you, its hollow
bloodshot eyes rimmed with tears. A beam of moonlight breaks through
the clouds, revealing the creature’s hideous features. Its yellowing
skin
hangs loosely from protruding cheekbones. The jaw hangs
open, revealing a mouth full of jagged white stumps and crackling
charcoal tongue.
But then… a flash of
recognition.

You extend a hand.

It extends a hand.

Your fingers touch a pane of solid
glass.

Your mind erupts
into brilliant chromatic shards.

The framework of the universe begins
to unravel; pulsing and surging around you.

Opposing phantasms of Sublimity and Ruin ravage your fragile soul.

Within the glorious
lifenucleus we shall both Succumb and Endure.

And yet…and yet.