Worthless Guide to Monsters: Jersey Devil

Jersey Devil!Most people reading this aren't going to have a clue what the Jersey Devil is. But that's why you're here, isn't it? You're here to learn. At least I hope you are. Because if you aren't, this eighteen cent grant the federal government gave me to research on the Jersey Devil is just going to waste.

It isn't easy to get these grants you know! Do you people realize how many FORMS I had to fill out for this? Four. And that's just the ones I made up. Actually it was all made up. Lies are my tool.

But hey, let's talk about the Jersey Devil now.


WHAT IS THE JERSEY DEVIL?

Well...as with many creatures of urban legend, descriptions of the Jersey Devil vary widely depending on the education and intoxication levels of those who claim to have seen it. Here are a few examples:

Southern

Buzzed Southern Gentleman

“What I seen was this flash uh somethin right thar across mah headlights. I dursay tweren't human, b'tall happened suhquickly I can't say fershure. Alls I know is it din't move like nothing I ever seen afore...”

Elderly Cuban Man (Moderately Intoxicated)

 “Me gusta montar la bicicleta in los montanas! Que te gusta hacer en los fines de semana? La puerta esta abierta! Mmm...los gatos malos en la biblioteca. Muchas gracias.”

Salty Dog

Drunken Salty Sea Dog

 “A darkened shape scrabbled across the path a harsbreath ahead a me from me staaarbord side. Ai, she was farteen hands across if she'wer a mile. Arr.”

Jaundiced Drifter (Sauced Beyond Comprehension)

“Mrrph! Nnnnnnnnnngh! Uf. Zzzzzzzzzzzz....”


But most the things which most of the reports agree upon is that the creature is a hoofed biped with an elongated neck, a tail, and wings. So I think I've just solved the mystery of the jersey devil...it's a pegasus standing on it's hind legs! I don't know why I didn't think of this before, it's so obvious! Call the museum of natural history! Call James Randi! Call in the the Canadian Milita--

Wait, what's that you say? Pegasuses don't exist either?

Fuck. Just forget it.


DEBUNKING THE MYTHS

Devil

Oh sure, I could sit here and throw plenty of “facts” at you about the Jersey Devil. I could show you actual photographs of its bones and clear, undoctored video clips showing it frolicking around in the forest. But you know what? I'm not going to insult your intelligence by doing that.

Instead, I'll just go ahead and debunk a few of the more prominent misconceptions about the Jersey Devil instead. Far more useful than evidence right?

Myth 1: The Jersey Devil Can Be Seen

FALSE. You can't see it.


Myth 2: The Jersey Devil Was Born Of A Human Mother

FALSE. Devil's don't come out of vaginas (the horns would become lodged in the tender walls and it would fail to be born).


Myth 3: The Jersey Devil Loves Children

FALSE. He hates them.

Devil 2

Myth 4: The Jersey Devil's Eyes Glow Red & Can Paralyze Humans

FALSE. Oh pishaw, I haven't heard such rubbish in all my days. Glowing red eyes...imagine such a thing in our modern society! Piffle and hogwash!


Myth 5: The Physical Descriptions Of The Jersey Devil Are Most Consistent With A Species Of Ancient Pterosaur.

FALSE. Lizards go against the bible. Numbers 23:12: “Whosoever shall walk on four legs with blood run cold shouldst cast thine eyes to the heavens, for he is chosen by The Lord. Sit on thy rock, ancient one, and trouble me no more.”

That probably proves something.


EVIDENCE

Here's the timeline of evidence I collected on this creature. I think when taken as a whole, this pretty much proves conclusively that the Jersey Devil exists.


Flying Shape1909: Some chickens got killed

1912: An old lady saw something flying in the air at night

1912: People found tracks from a thing in their yards

1915: A guy was riding a horse down the road and the horse fell down. Nothing was even around.

Tracks1926: Some hunters saw a thing in the woods and shot at it. Unfortunately they missed and it could not be identified.

1951: People in a town heard someone (or something) screaming one day. There wasn't meant to be any screaming at that particular time

1973: This guy gave his dog a biscut and the dog growled at him

Door Open1991: A pizza delivery driver describes an encounter with what he describes as a “white horselike creature (possibly a horse)” on the outskirts of town

1996: A sulfry odor hangs in the air in some areas. This devil is said to love sulfur!

2009: (Personal) I come home one evening to find my front door unlocked. I am reasonably sure I locked it before leaving the house.



FINAL VERDICT

If all that stuff I wrote up there doesn't prove the jersey devil exists, I don't know what does.

MYTH CONFIRMED!