Worthless Guide to Job Searches

FiredLet's say you've been doing the same job for 20 years. And then let's say that one day for some reason you got the overwhelming urge to take a dump in the sink of the executive washroom, and that for some reason you actually decided to act upon that urge, and then for some reason the CFO of your company had to use the bathroom and walked in and now he's just standing there STARING at you as you perch there above the sink.
So I assume the big question you're probably asking yourself right now is: "What do I do now?" Well, that part's easy: You get fired. It's the part that comes next that's tough. Luckily I'm here to help, so keep reading if you want to find out what your options are (in order from worst to best).

Traipse Down To The Unemployment Office

UnemploymentDon't even think about doing this. What do you think this is, Sweden? Since when is it the government's job to find you employment? Since never, that's when. This is the U S of A, brother, so lace up your girdle, pick yourself up by your bootstraps and hit the pavement! Oh wait, let me guess, you'd rather just sit there whining to the government and asking them to fix your little problems...
  • "Waaah! I breathed some asbestos and can't work; give me free money!"
  • "Boo-Hoo! Some bad men with guns took my daughter away!"
  • "Woe is me, the bridge near my house collapsed!"
  • "Wee, wee, wee, I have testicular cancer!"
It's ridiculous! Frankly, things were a whole lot better back when apes ruled the earth. You'd never hear an ape complaining to uncle sam about a lack of things like unemployment insurance, health laws, and government subsidised childcare. Those monkeys took care of their own.

Peruse The Local Newspaper

Old NewspaperThe local paper is a great way to find gainful employment, provided you're living in the 18th century. Who even reads newspapers anymore? Old men in powder blue pants, people on toilets, and proofreaders that's who.
So sure, go right ahead and have a browse. I'm sure you'll find plenty of great jobs!

Wait, you know what, I've got a newspaper right here. I'll flip through and list all the great employment opportunities I find:
  • Scientists are testing dumb baby eagles for toxins because they were dumb and ate chemicals like idiots.
  • Rich white people with huge asses play baseball while a bunch of lower-middle class white people with huge asses watch.
  • Some stupid old veteran plays the organ at a stupid church and then dies and nobody even notices because he was boring.
  • A bunch of guys in wheelchairs play softball, thus making softball slightly more difficult to ignore completely.
  • You can get a 2009 Ford Taurus for only $20,488* (A purported savings of $7,067)
    *All mfgrs rebates to dealer. Focus, Taurus and Edge requires FMCC financing ($500) O.A.C. F150 requires mfgrs Competitive Conquest rebate. Offer expires 06/01/09
So in conclusion: This newspaper doesn't even have a job listings section in it. Maybe that's only on Sundays or something.

Simply Wander Throughout The City Pressing Your Face Against Windows While Trying Very Hard To Look Pathetic & Hope Someone Feels Sorry For You And Offers You A Job

Face PressDon't underestimate this method. It may seem far-fetched, but it has actually gotten me quite a few jobs over the years.
Most recently, it was a job as a Factory Foreman at Allied Steelworks in Bardstown Kentucky (or "Old Kenetuck", as many of the locals refer to it). I had been down on my luck and without work for some time when I happened across  a large signboard proclaiming

"Allied Steelworks: Enabling the best in product design for over generations!"

Upon reading this, I felt a sudden kinship with Allied Steel. The message had resonated strongly with my own views on product design, and the obvious misspelling and puzzling syntax only contributed to the company's rustic charm. Suddenly I knew: I needed to work for them.
In the end, they ended up rejecting my application due to a complete lack of references (as well as a number of high-profile felony drug convictions on my record), but I certainly learned a valuable lesson about the importance of persistence.

Search The Internet!

Internet SearchOf course, I've saved the best (and most obvious, obviously) method of job hunting for last: The Internet. Simply log on to any computer, anywhere, anytime, and and you'll find an entire world of jobs at your fingertips, just waiting to quickly look over and then deny (or perhaps even outright IGNORE) your application!

Yes, with the internet the possibilities for rejection are endless, but as our something-ith president Abraham Lincoln once said: "Tis better to be spurned by the unwashed multitudes, than it is to be eagerly accepted by a singular being." At least I think he said that.

But then again: Probaby he didn't.