Worthless Guide to Job Interviews

InterviewSo now you've finally found a job and applied for it, what's next? Why the interview process of course! Many people discount the importance of a good interview. "Pshaw," they might be heard to remark as they slip on their favorite pair of torn purple Zubaz and a sweatstained Atlanta Braves baseball cap, "I ain't afraid of no ghosts!" Obviously this comment would be more than a little puzzling. Nobody said anything about ghosts.
 
But whatever, let's get to my interview tips.

Props are Useful

Fright wigArticles of clothing such as eye patches, fright wigs, batting gloves, and leg warmers are strongly advocated, as they can be real conversation starters.

"What's with the wig?" Your interviewer might ask.

"What's with the wig indeed..." you'd reply, stroking your beard slyly while running your hand slowly up his thigh. "I'll show you a wig like you've never seen before...a wig for the ages..."

"None of that even makes sense."

"Doesn't it?" You whisper gently. You've wrapped your arms around his waist, and the two of you are swaying softly to an unheard beat.

"Please leave," he says, pushing you away roughly, "Please leave immidiately."

But the damage has already been done. This is one interview he'll never forget...

Snappy Nicknames a Plus

Most people love to give their coworkers crazy nicknames, so why not get the jump on them by providing one of your own before you've even been hired? This shows initiative, and those who show initiative are often offered jobs on the spot. Simply use the name casually as you introduce yourself for the first time.

  • Nicknames"Hi there, I'm Tony 'Lumps' Jones, nice to meet you."

  • "Howdy, Ronald 'The Jumpshot' Heinlien here, do you have any coffee?"

  • "'Smokehouse' here, pleased to make your acquaintance!

  • "The name's Anthony Rigallo, but people call me 'Tony Snakes'."

  • "Hello. My name is 'D-Ray", I believe I have an interview with you people today."

This method never fails. Try it out, and I think you'll find the job offers will roll in. Unless of course they do not.

Catchphrases

Along with a nickname, having your own catchphrase is also an excellent way to ensure the company remembers your interview. Make sure to include a physical action or mime with your catchphrase. Improperly utilizing a catchphrase is almost worse than not having one at all. Try these classics on for size:

  • Santa Like(Mime rolling a pair of dice) "Hooyeah, rollin' them bones! Daddy's got a sweet tooth!

  • (Raising one finger and weaving your head from side to side) "Not on my watch, mo-co-co!"

  • (Pick up phone and pretend speak to someone) "Commissioner? We've got a live one here!"

  • (If joke is told: grasp belly and begin laughing heartily) "Ho, ho, ho! Santa like!"

  • (Midget or dwarf walks by) (Say nothing) 

Answer The Question You WISH They Had Asked

Oftentimes an interviewer will ask a question you don't want to answer truthfully because it would make you look bad (for example, if they ask "Would you be willing to work overtime" and you wouldn't.) In this situation it's always a good idea to answer a your own question, a question which was not asked, and whose answer will not make you look quite so bad. So when they ask "Would you be willing to work overtime?" you could reply:

  • Wished"Yes, mostly it's the eyes, but many parts of the sheep are considered a delicacy there as well."

  • "My all-time favorite is probably Cerberus."

  • "No, as a matter of fact I DON'T believe that Pangaea ever existed. Now if you'll excuse me, I've a train to catch."

  • "Well, I've often strongly considered getting it on like Donkey Kong, but I've never actually gone through with it, if that's what you're asking."

  • "I hunched there for a time hurling small stones at those who passed by. But the park rangers forced me to the ground in any event. All in all, it was a good day." 

Confidence is Key

Ron KatzExperts I've spoken to often cite self-confidence as the number one thing interviewees should work on during their interview. One such expert is Professor Arlynn Katts, a prominent consultant with the Minneapolis Institute of Employment. Here's an excerpt from a talk I had with him back in 1996:
 
"A lot of sad sacks come in here," Katts sighs, taking a Kitkat bar from his desk drawer and unwrapping it gingerly, "They sit down in this office in their cheap polyester pantsuits with a little paper napkin folded in the lapel and I'm thinking, 'Are you for real?' And the best part is, they're always shaking. There's got this terrible look of fear on their faces, and I'm thinking...don't show that to me dude. Never show me your fear. I'll eat you alive. And I always do. They leave that office crying, because I GAVE them something to fear; I taught them the meaning of the word, right?"
 
He takes one final bite of his candybar and continues. "It's obscene. It's absolutely pathetic. So what I always tell people who are interviewing is this: Be confident. Bring your A-Game. Bring the noise. You had BETTER bring that noise and bring everything you got. Lay it down. Otherwise...well, otherwise someone else will, and you'll be ass-up on the pavement saying to yourself 'What happened?' Well I'll tell you what happened: Fear. Fear happened. And that's all she wrote."
 

Afterword

MoonlitA few days after giving this interview, Professor Katts was riding his recumbent bicycle to the Central Park Zoo when he suffered a massive compound stroke. He died in the hospital hours later, surrounded by friends, lovers, and well-wishers.
 
I think of my good friend often. Sometimes, on the darkest of nights, when the moon is full and the leaves rustle ever-so-gently, I imagine I can hear his voice. I hear him calling out to me; reminding me never to be afraid.
 
"Goodnight old friend," I whisper.
 
"And good luck."