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By Henry

So now you’ve gone and moved in with a woman! Whether it’s
a wife, a partner, a friend, or maybe just a roommate you’re definitely in
for an interesting ride, so let’s get moving.


Part 1 - Basics

Part 2 - Dating

Part 3 - Living In

 

Q. Since I am living with a
woman now, will she do all the housework while I sit in my leather
recliner reading a crisp newspaper and smoking my pipe?

A. Yes!

Q. The woman I live with says she doesn’t like it when I walk around the house nude, what can be done about this?

A. Just tell her that she is
also allowed to walk around the house naked too if she wants to, on the
condition that she loses some weight. This should solve the problem.

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Don't worry if you see this, it is just one their many tricks!


Q. I think I am falling in love with my female roommate, what should I do?

A. Before you go any further, you need to find out if you two are compatible. There are a few steps you need to follow for this:

1. Creep into her room while
she is asleep and crouch by the side of the bed. Stroke her hair while
singing softly under your breath and then cut off a lock of her hair.
Wear it around your neck in some sort of amulet.

2. Buy a fake mustache and a
large sombrero and follow her around when she goes out. If she talks to
any men, go up to them after she leaves, grab them roughly by the
collar, and threaten to kill them if they ever speak to her again. Do
this with a Russian accent for some reason.

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содержание прочь от ее!

3. Set up some cameras in the
toilet bowl and in the shower. Make sure they’re small so as not
to frighten her. This way you can observe how she acts when nobody is
watching, which will reveal her personality.

4. Spend some time carefully
cutting the eyes out of photographs. Keep this collage in the bottom of
a desk drawer to make it easier for the police investigators who will
surely be searching your room sooner or later.

 

5. Dig a deep hole in the
basement and buy some women’s clothing, a wig, and a small white
dog. I think you can figure out the rest.

Q. The woman I live with insists on having a bunch of wild parties, but I need my peace and quiet. What should I do?

A. One thing you could try is
to go into the kitchen and hold a lighter up to the fire alarm so it
goes off. Then charge out into the living room shouting “fire,
fire!” Everyone should run outside, and then you can lock them
out. When the fire department gets there, tell them that the woman you
live with called in a false alarm because she thought it would be funny
and because she thought that the dumbass lazy firemen needed something
else to do besides watching child pornography. That should teach her.

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The mustachio hides a dark secret...

Q. This woman smells terrible! How can I let her know without hurting her feelings?

A. Little things like holding your nose and waving your hand in
front of your face as she walks by are usually good clues. You can also
pretend to stifle some vomit when she lifts her arms. If none of this
gets the point across and you happen to be living in the 1600s, you can
try publicly accusing her of witchcraft. This way they’ll test to
see if she’s really a witch by dunking her in the water, which
should take care of the smell (they might also end up burning her alive
at the stake, so be sure to take this into consideration as well).

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Believe it or not: Stinks like a trucker's toilet

Q. My bathroom is overrun with women’s products. There isn’t any room for my stuff; I’m at my wit’s end!

A. An easy solution for this is to mix certain ingredients into
some of her products. For example, you could mix a drop of bleach a day
into her eye liner. When she complains that it stings here eyes, you
can tell her that she must have become allergic to it and she’ll
have to throw it away. You can also put something like itching powder
in her skin lotion and dye in all but one type of shampoo. Soon,
you’ll be free and clear of all that junk, and hey: It’s
fun!

User Questions

Willy asks:

Q. What should i do if my female roommate keeps having sex with me and its interferring with my work?

A. This one is pretty easy. The
only way you can handle this is to change your job to something that
involves having sex with women. For example, you could become the star of some clumsy homemade pornographic films.

If you don't want to continue having sex with
this woman though, you could try the direct approach saying: "Stop having sex
with me." Then give her a quick shove for good measure. If she calls
the cops, slap yourself really hard a bunch of times and scratch your
face up with a sharp fingernail before they get there, and then come
out of the bedroom sobbing and pointing at her, saying: "She did it!"
That takes care of that problem. 

I also realize that I have two solutions here in which you lie to
authorities in order to indict an innocent woman but hey: equal rights.

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Have a good time in jail! That'll teach you to have sex with me!

This marks the end of my three part guide to women. Thanks for reading,
and I hope you’ve come away with a better understanding of women
in general. If you have any questions of your own, just click the
contact link down at the bottom of the page and write it in.