By Henry

So now you’ve gone and moved in with a woman! Whether it’s a wife, a partner, a friend, or maybe just a roommate you’re definitely in for an interesting ride, so let’s get moving.

Part 1 - Basics
Part 2 - Dating
Part 3 - Living In


Q. Since I am living with a woman now, will she do all the housework while I sit in my leather recliner reading a crisp newspaper and smoking my pipe?

A. Yes!

Q. The woman I live with says she doesn’t like it when I walk around the house nude, what can be done about this?

A. Just tell her that she is also allowed to walk around the house naked too if she wants to, on the condition that she loses some weight. This should solve the problem.

Crying Don't worry if you see this, it is just one their many tricks!

I think I am falling in love with my female roommate, what should I do?

Before you go any further, you need to find out if you two are compatible. There are a few steps you need to follow for this:

1. Creep into her room while she is asleep and crouch by the side of the bed. Stroke her hair while singing softly under your breath and then cut off a lock of her hair. Wear it around your neck in some sort of amulet.

2. Buy a fake mustache and a large sombrero and follow her around when she goes out. If she talks to any men, go up to them after she leaves, grab them roughly by the collar, and threaten to kill them if they ever speak to her again. Do this with a Russian accent for some reason.

Poncho содержание прочь от ее!
3. Set up some cameras in the toilet bowl and in the shower. Make sure they’re small so as not to frighten her. This way you can observe how she acts when nobody is watching, which will reveal her personality.

4. Spend some time carefully cutting the eyes out of photographs. Keep this collage in the bottom of a desk drawer to make it easier for the police investigators who will surely be searching your room sooner or later.
5. Dig a deep hole in the basement and buy some women’s clothing, a wig, and a small white dog. I think you can figure out the rest.

Q. The woman I live with insists on having a bunch of wild parties, but I need my peace and quiet. What should I do?

A. One thing you could try is to go into the kitchen and hold a lighter up to the fire alarm so it goes off. Then charge out into the living room shouting “fire, fire!” Everyone should run outside, and then you can lock them out. When the fire department gets there, tell them that the woman you live with called in a false alarm because she thought it would be funny and because she thought that the dumbass lazy firemen needed something else to do besides watching child pornography. That should teach her.

Fire The mustachio hides a dark secret...

This woman smells terrible! How can I let her know without hurting her feelings?

Little things like holding your nose and waving your hand in front of your face as she walks by are usually good clues. You can also pretend to stifle some vomit when she lifts her arms. If none of this gets the point across and you happen to be living in the 1600s, you can try publicly accusing her of witchcraft. This way they’ll test to see if she’s really a witch by dunking her in the water, which should take care of the smell (they might also end up burning her alive at the stake, so be sure to take this into consideration as well).

Smell Believe it or not: Stinks like a trucker's toilet

My bathroom is overrun with women’s products. There isn’t any room for my stuff; I’m at my wit’s end!

An easy solution for this is to mix certain ingredients into some of her products. For example, you could mix a drop of bleach a day into her eye liner. When she complains that it stings here eyes, you can tell her that she must have become allergic to it and she’ll have to throw it away. You can also put something like itching powder in her skin lotion and dye in all but one type of shampoo. Soon, you’ll be free and clear of all that junk, and hey: It’s fun!

User Questions

Willy asks:
Q. What should i do if my female roommate keeps having sex with me and its interferring with my work?

A. This one is pretty easy. The only way you can handle this is to change your job to something that involves having sex with women. For example, you could become the star of some clumsy homemade pornographic films.

If you don't want to continue having sex with this woman though, you could try the direct approach saying: "Stop having sex with me." Then give her a quick shove for good measure. If she calls the cops, slap yourself really hard a bunch of times and scratch your face up with a sharp fingernail before they get there, and then come out of the bedroom sobbing and pointing at her, saying: "She did it!" That takes care of that problem. 

I also realize that I have two solutions here in which you lie to authorities in order to indict an innocent woman but hey: equal rights.

Cuffs Have a good time in jail! That'll teach you to have sex with me!

This marks the end of my three part guide to women. Thanks for reading, and I hope you’ve come away with a better understanding of women in general. If you have any questions of your own, just click the contact link down at the bottom of the page and write it in.