Worthless Guide to Women: Part 1
If you are aware of the existence of women, it is likely that you have a lot of questions about how to interact with them. This is completely understandable. Women are strange and wonderful creatures, and their existence has puzzled men ever since the first female dragged herself from the primordial swamps of southern Louisiana more than 100 years ago.What follows are three sections which contain some answers to the most common questions I receive about women.
Q. What is a woman?
A. It’s like a man, except it looks and smells prettier.
Q. Is my mother a woman?
A. Technically, yes. This goes for your grandmother and any other female relatives as well.
Q. Are you a woman?
Q. Where are women from?
A. Many people mistakenly believe that men are from Mars and women are from Venus because this is what is taught in the public schools. This information is incorrect; the true answer varies with your outlook on life:
- If you’re a Christian, women came from god
- If you’re Wicca, women came from the mother earth or something
- You know what; you can probably add Muslims and Jews into that first one too
- If you are Buddhist, rock on! You’re so laid-back that you probably don’t even worry about this
- If you’re a Jedi, women come from the force, but they don’t usually get to fight with lightsabers
- If you are an atheist, women came from the sea (evolved from mermaids)
- If you’re a scientologist, you have bigger problems to worry about than where women come from buddy
Q. Sometimes I can’t tell if a person is a man or a woman, is it OK to ask them?
A. Go ahead, they won’t mind at all!
Sometime it isn't too hard to tell
Q. What do women eat?
A. Mostly food and stuff. I heard a story about one woman who ate her own baby once, but I don’t think this is too common.
Q. Hey, is the women’s bathroom really as clean as I always hear?
A. Don’t ask me how I know this, but it is! It smells nice, like a field, and they play soothing massage music. The floors are so clean you could eat off them. In fact, some women have been known to enjoy a picnic luncheon on the floor of a public restroom. In the men’s room, you’re lucky if you don’t get herpes from pressing on the soap dispenser.
Q. AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!! I gouged my toe on a rusty old nail in the junkyard!
A. Jeepers! You’d better go see about getting a tetanus shot at the doctor!
Q. But I don’t have any insurance!
A. OK, here’s what you do: Stumble into the emergency room with wild eyes and your shoes off and shout, “Yeeeg I WAS SHOT IN THE TOE WITH A RUSTY BULLET IVE BEEN CROISONED!” and then fall down and start shaking. Also, if you have any shaving cream or whipped cream, put it in your mouth and make like you’ve got rabies! They will be forced to help you out. Then after they fix your toe, climb out of a window. Hey, it always worked for MacGyver.
Q. But MacGyver never—
And that should about do it for part 1. As usual, don't be afraid to send in your own questions about women using the contact form at the bottom of the page. In the next section I will be answering questions about women and dating. It gets a little wild, so look out!
Continue To Part 2