How to Waste Thousands of Dollars for No Good Reason (A Guide to Weddings)

By M. Anger
I have been married approximately 0 times in my short life, so I pretty much know all there is to know about weddings. I am a giving person by nature, so I felt it would only be right to share my vast knowledge of marriage with the common man (you). The idea I came up with was a wedding Q&A, because I figure that the best way to assist as many people as possible with wedding-related questions is to post a wedding question and answer session on a website that nobody reads.

Being a wedding expert is not all fame and glory; I also have to answer a lot of stupid questions. Here is a list of questions I refuse to answer:

  1. What is a wedding?

  2. What should I do to plan my own wedding?

  3. What does a ring do?

  4. What should I wear if invited to a wedding?

  5. What Would Jesus Do (at a wedding)?

  6. Will there be music?

  7. Will there be women?

  8. Will there be Jugglers?!

Shame on you if thought of asking me any of these questions, especially the question about Jesus. That one was pretty offensive. I apologize everyone. Now, let’s get on with the show:

Ugly Bride
Check please.

Q: Which is better, a photographer or a videographer for a wedding?

A: Sorry, I don’t know what a videographer is

Q: I am planning an anniversary party for 60 guests. How much liquor should I buy?

A: That isn’t a question about weddings, dummy.

Let us out!

Q: Could you recommend an unusual honeymoon?

A: Walk to Scotland across the bottom of the ocean floor in classic 19th century diving suits. When you arrive in town, live under a large man’s kilt for a fortnight. If you get hungry, try sucking on some gravel.

Q: I am the bride. Do my parents have to pay for the whole wedding?

A: Yes. You are most likely the one who wanted to spend (read: needlessly throw away) thousands of dollars on a wedding. Your family should be the ones to pay for it because they raised you to be wasteful.

Q: My family is Jewish but not very religious. Many of my wedding guests eat only kosher food. How do I plan a menu that suits everyone?

A: The old saying goes that you can’t please everyone all the time. This saying, like most, is completely worthless. My advice is: Bring some fruit roll-ups for all those Jews. Those are probably kosher.

Q: What kinds of foods do kids prefer at weddings?

A: Head cheese sherbet, baked goat's testicles, and vinegar popsicles of course! But seriously, don’t be a fool: Pizza.

Q: What is Quincinera?

A: …the hell? How should I know that!?

I'm not sure what's going on in this picture, but I love it!

Q: What does a ring do?

A: Hey! Are you blind or something!? I said at the beginning that I'm not gonna answer that question. Now beat it!

Q: How to do you make sure that your guests will come to your wedding appropriately attired (especially kids)?

A: You could put a bouncer at the door that turns away those who arrive at your wedding clothed in rags. Alternatively, you could try not being a total ass and let people wear what they feel is appropriate.

Q: How much liquor should I buy?

A: The old rule of thumb is 19.8 quarts for each adult and 3 for each child ages 3-12. Younger children can share with their parents.


Q: Is a local church an acceptable place to hold the ceremony (even if I don't attend services there)?

A: Try a community center or hotel convention hall instead. Church weddings not a good idea because many churches are haunted. I would also recommend against having your wedding outdoors because of bears (though if you must have an out-of-doors wedding, be sure to hang the bride from a large, firm tree branch before you turn in for the night).

Q: Who should I hire to do the catering at my wedding?

A: Whatever you do, don’t hire your Crazy Uncle Eddie. Remember what happened last time?

Klingon Wedding
H'jai Khas't Yigth'kai!

(Death is a release from the impressions of sense, and from impulses that make us their puppets, from the vagaries of the mind, and the hard service of the flesh)

Q: Should I hire a marquee for my wedding?

A: Sorry, I’m not sure what that is. Is a marquee like a big sign you put outside to tell people about the wedding? If so, who do you think you are, Sinatra? Nobody is going to come to your wedding just because you put up some piece of crap marquee.

Q: How far in advance should I order my wedding cake?

A: Go in to a cake shop a few hours before the wedding. If the baker can't make it that fast, he should be ashamed of himself.

Q: How should I handle speeches?

A: Oh maaaan, don’t have speeches at your wedding! But if you insist, here is the order in which you should allow people to speak:

  1. The Groom

  2. The Bride’s Father

  3. The Bride’s Great Granddaughter

  4. The Uncle who Didn’t Grope The Bride

  5. Death Himself

  6. The Bride’s Husband

  7. The Father of the Bride

  8. The Bride of Frankenstein

  9. Hey! Are These Drinks Free? (Some drunk off the street who crashed the wedding)

Reader Questions
Khaos_Greenbean asks:

Q: How do I make my bride say yes on that special day?

A: A guy I know told me about something called slipping a mickey into her drink. According to him, if you give a woman a mickey she will really start to like you. I would do some more research on this, except that I don't want to.

That should be it for now. If you have any more questions about weddings send it though the contact form at the bottom of the page (subject wedding Q&A), and I will add your question to my list and answer it and you shall become famous.