Unforgivable Game Design Sins

Crying ManlyAs someone who most people would consider to be pretty annoying, I'm in a good position to know what's bothersome and what isn't. So I've decided to go through a few little things in videogames which annoy me. This is stuff that developers should easily be able to fix, but they're either too stupid, or too lazy to do it. They shouldn't be able to get away with all this crap. Someone has to call them out! Obviously I can't do it, because what pull do I have? All I do is run this piece of crap site.

The only thing I really can do is write a half-assed article bitching about these things on this website (which, again, nobody ever reads). Guess I'll just do that then. That'll learn em.



Unskippable Cutscenes

CutsceneI don't care how much time you spent making that CG orc look realistic. I don't care if you got Robert Deniro to do the voice of your mafia don. I don't care if you spent a thousand hours and the lives of a thousand Mongolian refugee children ensuring the hem of the skirt on your elf princess moved just so. I don't give a sweet, loving, leathery Lord Baby Jesus on high about how much work, or time, or effort, or love you've put into the cutscenes in your game:

You had better let me skip them.

By god you had better let me skip those cutscenes or I swear to all that is good and kind and pure and holy in this world I will hunt each and every one of you people down and I will destroy you. I will destroy you utterly and completely. I will flay the flesh from your muscles and tear the muscles from your bones and pound your bones into meal and use this meal to bake bread which I will then sell to unwed mothers at a reasonable price.

I will sell the bonebread to these mothers and their fatherless children. I will sell it and they will eat it- they will eat you- and they will love me for it. And I may feel remorse for what I have done. Yes, I may feel remorse and I may feel sadness, but one thing I'll never feel is regret, because you made me watch.

You made me watch, you dirty sons of. And I'll never forgive you for it. As long as I live.


Save Points (A Haiku)


I save when I please.

Please, get rid of the savepoints.

(This means you, Japan).



Music During Installation

InstallerInstallers do not need a soundtrack. Fucking period. Do you people have any idea how annoying it is to us? When I open an installer for a game and music begins to play, you know what I do? I don't get frustrated. I don't yell. I don't scream. I weep.

Yes, I weep because I realize that sitting here and watching the progress bar of this game fill up Ever. So. Slowly. Is the only thing I'm going to be able to to do on my computer for the next thirty fucking minutes, because the developer of Call of Brothers In Company of  Duty Arms in Medal of Heroes has decided that it's EVER SO IMPORTANT to the ambiance of their installer that a BOM-FUCKING-BASTIC MILITARY MARCH blare at full volume from my speakers until the installation of their forty eight gigabyte game is complete.

“Shouldn't we add a mute button or something?” someone on the development team must have asked each time a new iteration of the game was being developed. “Naw,” someone higher up the chain-of-command would reply, “we paid a pretty penny for that goddamned orchestra; let the poor bastards sit and listen to it.”

And listen to it we shall. Because we certainly can't do anything else with all this racket going on. So we sit, mouths-agape with glassy eyed stares on our dumb faces, moving files from one folder to another and then back again and again and again as we go mad every so delightfully mad while the trumpets blare and the snare drums roll and off somewhere in the deepest reaches of our soul something is vicious is stirring and yet; and yet...

The music plays on.