The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Georgia

The American South has changed a great deal in recent years. What was once described by Harry S. Truman as "a festering pocket of indescribable filth and stroke-inducing poverty" is now home to a number of modern amenities, including schools, utility poles, and yes, even paved roads. But don't be fooled into thinking that the south has lost it's charm and spunk, as this is most certainly not the case. Those who crave dixie-flavored excitement and adventure need look no further than the great state of Georgia. With its year-round county fairs, dump truck rallies, and whites-only church picnics, Georgia has become a beacon of hope to tourists hoping to score some down-home goodness at a reasonable price.
 
So read on to learn about some of the wonderful destinations and activities the great state of Georgia has to offer. And if, by the end of this article you're still convinced that Georgia is "just another rivulet of the crusty semen stain on the pant leg of America known as The South", I'll eat my hat. And that's a true confederate promise.

FOLK POTTERY MUSEUM

Folk Pottery is one of the latest adherents to the principle of Folkery. For those who are unaware, Folkery is the process of making everyday concepts substantially duller and significantly more off-putting by adding the word "folk" in front of them. See also: Folk Rock, Folk Art, Folk Festivals, Folk Dance, etc.) Why this is done I do not know, but I assume it has something to do with marketing. In any case, those of you who haven't slipped into a boredom-induced coma at the mere mention of Folk Pottery are probably waiting for me to explain exactly what Folk Pottery is. I'm not sure I can, but I'll give it a shot.
 
According to the Folk Pottery Museum's DRAB, YET SURPRISINGLY WELL-DESIGNED WEBSITE, Folk Pottery is "one of the South’s premier grassroots art forms [which] explores the historical importance and changing role of folk pottery in southern life." As I see it, there are two problems with this description.
 

1. The term "grassroots" was used. This term should never be employed under any circumstances, as the level of meaninglessness it has achieved due to misuse and overuse (whether by braindead faux-hippies or large megacorporations) borders on the obscene.
2. Seriously, they fucking said "grassroots" without a hint of irony. Jesus! Absolutely unbelievable.

 
Aside from this, the only other conclusion I can draw about Folk Pottery is that it is exactly the same as regular pottery, aside from the name. The distinction between "pottery" and "folk pottery" is a lot unlike the distinction between "a crude image of Jesus with a vagina some dude with a braided beard just scrawled onto a canvas using his own feces" and "Modern Art". For example, I cannot imagine a scenario in which a struggling local farmer would attempt to enter his puzzlingly proportioned dead rooster sculpture into a Folk Pottery competition, only to have it rejected by the judges on the grounds that "shit wasn't folk enough". Which is to say: Pottery is considered Folk Pottery if you call it Folk Pottery.
 
So yeah, Georgia has a Folk Pottery Museum. It costs Five Dollars. Don't everybody get up at once now.
 
 

FERNBANK MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY

Usually I prefer to describe the various tourist destinations myself, but in the case of the Fernbank Museum of Natural History, I believe I'll defer to the 1st Protestant Church of Georgia for an unbiased overview. It isn't often in these modern times that an embattled minority like Christianity has it's say (less than 80% of the united states identifies as Christian!) so I feel like I should give the outnumbered downtrodden a chance to say their piece for once. So here's their take:

Unproven theories about science's version of the past come alive at Fernbank Museum of Natural History. Explore cultural treasures and fossils (we have both kinds, non-ancient fossils, and fake fossils created in heathen laboratories by our godless & socialistic oppressors), experience the thrill of a film in the IMAX® Theatre (one of many technologies bestowed upon humanity by Jesus Christ, our Caucasian lord and savior), and marvel incredulously at the largest "dinosaurs" ever discovered, although they were obviously dated improperly using inaccurate and heathenistic carbon dating techniques, so keep that in mind.
 
Fernbank Museum isn’t just another museum—it’s a journey to another time and place which a large percentage of the population of Georgia refuses to believe ever even existed, regardless of the staggering scientific evidence to the contrary! With distinctive special exhibitions, there’s always something NEW to discover and stubbornly refute due to ignorance and closed-mindedness!
 
So come on down to the Fernbank Museum and learn some good old fashioned science! So long as it doesn't conflict with the absurd belief system which we were arbitrarily indoctrinated into at birth and have since refused to examine in the slightest, we here in the state of Georgia are somewhat OK with it!

ATLANTA MOTOR SPEEDWAY

I'm sure you expected this section to be nothing but a series of clichéd insults poking fun at the culture of NASCAR and the stereotypical image of a gap-toothed, Chevy-driving, beer-swilling, racist, uneducated southerner, but let me assure you: This is not gonna be the case. Instead, I'll defy expectations by using this space to commemorate the life of one of NASCAR's most beloved fallen heroes by posting this reverent and respectful image:
 

We miss you Dave!
 
 

INSIDE CNN STUDIO TOUR

The studio offers a 55-Minute (Is that all?!) walking tour of the television network that brings you 24 straight hours (a neverending steam!) of drab middle age men and women in pancake makeup soberly describing desperately important events which you've already come across and ignored 100 times in the past week while casually browsing the internet.
 
While this tour sounds absolutely fascinating (and a steal at only $12/Person), even to someone like me who doesn't normally watch CNN. I tend to stick watch my local news networks, as CNN doesn't often cover the many drug-related homicides, petty thefts, and ethnically motivated beating which take place in my city on a day-to-day basis.

But the CNN Studio...my god I can see it now: The news desk glistening with morning dew. The light rustle of papers detailing various affiliate concerns. The flicker of the teleprompter as it scrolls past an overview of the slight change the central bank made in the language it used to describe a policy on the outlook of interest rates. And the smell...that intoxicating mixture of cheap cologne, floor wax,  worn carpeting, dry-cleaned suits, bitter coffee, and unacknowledged despair which envelops all things. It is the smell of the press. It is the smell of the news.
 
It is the smell of freedom.

QUICK PICKS

To round out this look at Georgian Tourism, I've compiled this overview of a number of smoking hot can't-miss destinations which you are required (under penalty of sodomy) to visit when taking a vacation in Georgia.

Tallulah Wildflower Hike (Earth Day Event)

A taciturn park ranger will lead you to some of what he considered the most beautiful wild flowers of Tallulah Gorge. He will point to each flower and after allowing 5-8 seconds of thoughtful reflection before continuing on at a brisk pace to the abutting region. The flowers are not to be touched, and note-taking and photographs are also prohibited. The fee for this service is $5 plus an additional $5 for parking.

Diana: A Celebration

In case you didn't know it, Princess Diana was an international treasure. She was a princess. Her life was tragic on account of she died at the end of it. She died young. So young! I'm going to go to this exhibit and pay my respects. I hear they have her old wedding gown there (from her wedding). I wonder if they allow you weep into it, because I'm still sad she's gone. Why couldn't someone less famous have died? It's so unfair! She had a diamond tiara and everything. IIt makes me want to drown my children and overdose on endocet. But I won't. I won't do it because I know she's watching me from up in white people heaven. Lady Di would never approve of such behavior! I'll be good and hopefully I'll meet her some day in the Lord's Kingdom and we'll be best pals. We still miss you M'Lady! Kisses and hugs! XXXXOOXXO!

Chipmunk Tours at The Old Capital Museum

Now being hosted by the Old Capital Museum and the Brown-Stetson-Sanford House are "Chipmunk Tours" for 4-8 year olds. The second Thursday of each month at 2:00 AM (The Witchin' Hour) the manacled ghost of Ollie, the Old Capitol Chipmunk, welcomes young visitors to the museum! In between long draws from his hip flask, Ollie will regale the tiny tots with gruesome tales of the tragic bestiality-related disembowelings, child prostitution rings, and other instances of gross sexual misconduct which are rumored to have taken place at the Brown-Stetson-Sanford House throughout the years. Admission is $4 for adults, and $3.50 for kids and seniors.

Wine Tasting

Georgia has many wine-based events which cater to all styles of wine-tasting aficionados. From amateur bandwagon-jumping phonies to obsessive shitbags who've managed to achieve unfathomable levels of pretentiousness & self-delusion when it comes to the recreational consumption of alcoholic beverages, we've got a little something for everyone who enjoys wine on a much deeper level than the boxed-wine swilling plebs in the unwashed throng.
 

GEORGIA: A STATE OF MIND

A great man once said: “For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.” You might wonder what this has to do with Georgia, and indeed, it would likely be difficult to find a quote that had LESS to do with Georgia, as this one is from some Russian mathematician who in all likelihood never even knew or cared that Georgia existed.
 
I probably shouldn't have included it in this article, but I did it anyway. I guess it just goes to show that you can't trust anybody.
 
Thank you and goodnight.