By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Greetings and salutations viewers! This is your old pal The Baron here, ringing in the new year for one and all. I was thinking about the best way to celebrate the fresh century and I came up with what I think is a pretty darn fantastic idea: I would create a list of my favorite movies of 2009! So that's exactly what I did, I went through "fave films" section my dream journal and picked out the rootinist, tootinist, shootinist list of the greatest movies I had seen last in the old zero niner.
So grab a sack of butter and cover your heads, because Baron Marty's about to drop some movie knowledge on yall's heads.
Liam Nelson stars in this chilling chiller about a man who has lost everything he holds dear: His daughter. When she takes a skiing trip to Europe alone and is kidnapped by white slavers, he will do everything it takes (including murder) to get her back dead or alive.
I don't know what it is, but something about the sense of justice this movie has sent a shiver up my spine and pushed a howl of joy through my lips. Seeing Nealson recovering to true butt-smacking form after the career-derailing dreary Black & White snore-fest Schindler's Liszt brings a tear of happiness to my eye, and a thump to my heart.
Rent this movie today and watch as America kicks ass and chews bubble gum all over those filthy unbathed European dogs and conniving Middle-Eastern pigs. Uncle Sam says hello!
9. Angels & Demons
Cutie pie Tom Hanks once again stars in this adaptation of (genius) Dan Brown's classic novel "Angels & Demons". This picture is a sequel (or prequel, I can never quite remember!) to one of my other fave flicks "The Omega Code" (the film version of another Dan Brown Novel which I highly recommend) and it improves upon the original in every way possible.
Angels & Demons has suspense, excitement, and sexy stars all wrapped up in one easy to squeeze package, and that's pretty much the size of it. The script is memorable (natch, as it was written by Dan Brown himself) and the characters are pretty darn cool! I especially like Hanks as the rouge archaeologist. He's got a bone to pick with the government, and he isn't afraid to get his hands dirty! I like strong characters.
As a student of Wiccan, I also appreciated how there was far less of a Christian message in this movie than in the first one, but honestly, even if it was trying to preach the gospel of Jesus to me I don't think I would mind.
Tom Hanks Rocks!
It's true that gays don't have much power in our society, but strong-willed guys like Bruno are changing all that. Bruno is a sassy german who speaks his mind and doesn't let straights push him around. He travels to rodeos, convenience stores, and bar mitfas, all so he can become famous as a gay. People who aren't familiar with the gay lifestyle (I am, I personally know 3 of them) might be shocked or angry at some of the sex acts they see on screen, but I can insure you that it's all perfectly legal and many men do it every night, so stop being such a whiner.
But the real meat for you to chew on is Bruno's more private moments which he shares with (SPOILER WARNING) his gay asian. I will admit though that some of these segments can get a bit graphic (even for someone as open-minded as yours truly) so if you bring kids, be prepared to explain to them what is going on and how to do it safely if they want to try.
7. The Watchman
I've already written about this heavenly maniac of a film HERE and HERE so I won't bore you will all the gory details. Let's just say that if you haven't seen this vision of love, betrayings, epic battles, and sadness... I'm sorry to say this, but you're missing out on one delicious slice of life's pies.
Go pick up a copy of the 4 hour extended edition on VHS or DVD and watch it with a loved-one you love. Trust me.
Yeah, yeah, I know, technically this was a straight to SyFy miniseries and wasn't in theaters, but honestly, Alice does a much better job at creating a living, breathing world than most "real" hollywood films do. Not to mention the special effects. I have just two words for you: They are astonishing. Yes, SyFy (formerly the Scifi channel) has had a long history of creating quality original programming, but they really come into the linelight with this sparking 14 karat gem. These people deserve an oscar.
Indeed, this series does such a great job on engrossing you that there were a number of occasions in which I couldn't tell if I had dozed off or was still watching the film. That's the wonders of HDTV, am I right folks?!
So if you need a fantasticule world full of mischief and may-hem look no farther than your local television set. This ain't your grandaddy's alice!
5. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra
I don't need to "pimp out" this film to anyone, true Joe fans are Joe are fans for life, and Joe haters are cold-hearted folks who will hate Joe till the end of time. Personally I don't understand how you could hate something as pure and innocent as children's toys, but as my big and beautiful girlfriend Tina might say "Whatevs."
Leave it at this: If you played with the toys, YOU WILL LOVE THIS MOVIE. So hunker down in front of the old black and white and pour yourself a steaming cup of Joe.
4. Paul Blart
A lot of people have been bagging and ragging on this film, but it actually wasn't all that bad. This movie reminds me of a time when a person could go to the theater and just have a dang good time without having to have some message about pollution or sex criminals crammed into their throats. As a comedy, this film does have a few jokes that are stinkers, but all comedies do. It's the nature of the beast. Overall though, I found at least 50% of this movie to be just laugh out loud hilarious (something which is rare for me).
Anywhoo, you could find worse ways to spend a Saturday night than by watching niceguy Kevin James cut up a few yuks-yuks as a security guard. Check this one out if you missed it. Unless you're an old fud who hates laughter, you'll have a good time. I promise.
3. Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen
Oh yeah...I went there! I realize picking this box office beauty isn't going to win me any fans amongst the art crowd, but I believe it telling the truth no matter how many enemies it makes me. So here goes: Transformers 2 was the sleeper hit of 2009. Bar none. Sure, the critics said it was a piece of crap. Talk about elitenist idiots! What does it take to be a movie critic? A fancy 2 year degree in reading and writing which costs you about 100,000 bones after taxes? No thanks! I'm a writer and I didn't even go to school. Shot down. Thanks very much for your opinion critics, but The Baron goes with his gut, and my gut says Term 2 rules!
Also I'd also like to take this time to address those "P.C." morons out there who say the two jive-talking negro robots in this movie are racist: Get a life! Racism is big a part of our world's history, and is still around today. Without it we wouldn't have been able to grow as many cigarette crops, done as much laundry, or built monuments such as Crazy Horse and the Pyramids. So all you liberals can take a chill-out pill and try to enjoy these buck-toothed bots for what they are: Good old fashioned down-home fun, just like the rest of this movie.
These ain't your grandaddy's toys. Accept no substitutes, ask for these robots in disguises by name!
Move over Milo & Otis, there's a new top dog in town: James Cameron's Avatars! This was so fantastic that I just had to give it the top TWO spots instead of just one. Don't believe me? Well I remember sitting in the theater on opening night, and seeing the other audience member's jaws literally drop to the floor when they saw the opening shot of this masterpiece in 3D. Yes, it's really that good. But all the special effects mongo jumbo in the world don't mean a thing if a movie hasn't got soul, and let me tell you my brother: Avatars has got soul. Anybody who says otherwise is a G.D. coward or a M** sucking S*** idiot! Sorry for the language, but people who insult this movie really make me extremely angry. You people have got to get a life and learn something about real movies, losers.
It's not often that I cry during a movie, but when the final credits had rolled on this artistic vision of cinematic vision, I was bawling like a little schoolmarm. It touched me in a place I've never been touched before: My heart. This movie is exactly what America needs, a hard kicking, trash-kicking, no-holds-barred look at the beautiful animal soul which lies within every worthless human. it gives us hope that one day we will all be free of these horrible and imperfect human bodies once and for all.
I said it before and I'll say it again...Avatars is the bomb. Literally!
Welp, that's just about all she wrote, fellas and she-fellas! If yall's haven't seen any of these fantastic movie motion pictures, you'd better get right out and check them out before they're gone for good. Rent, buy, beg, steal, or rent: You've got to do whatever it takes to see these amazing artworks. You won't regret it.
Make sure and tell 'em The Baron sent ya!