Worthless Guide To Survival - Part 8: The Ocean

Sea CalmNow you’ve done it. You’ve caused us to be stranded at sea in a lifeboat. I’m not sure how you let this happen, but I guess there isn’t anything to be done about it now. I suppose we just try to stay alive until we're rescued.

Hmm ... sooo what's been happening with you guys lately? Anything interesting? No? Yeah same here ... Hmm, what's this under my seat? Hey check it out guys, a first aid kit. Let's see what we've got: Aspirin...ibuprofen...triple antibiotic...bandages...hey what the hell are these, cough drops? What's the point of that? Yeeck, menthol too. Nasty. Hey get a load of this: tweezers. That's pretty cool.


Open WaterRegardless of what you might've heard, life on the open ocean isn’t all wine and roses. In fact, you won’t have any access to either of these things, which is good because these are two of the biggest scams I’ve ever heard of. Who pays for flowers? You buy them for your wife, she says, “Hmm, nice. Thanks.” and they die in a few days.

Selling roses is a license to steal from absentee husbands. The same goes for wine. I tried drinking some wine before. What a mistake, I might as well have been drinking a seventy-eight dollar bottle of grape-scented rubbing alcohol. Horrifying. I suppose people can convince themselves to like anything as long as it's expensive enough huh? But I was supposed to be talking about the dangers of the sea, wasn't I? I guess I can't really name any specific dangers. Let's just move on to some scenarios.

If You Have a Raft

Life BoatRescue others if you really want to. Having a raft probably means you’ve escaped from a sinking ship. At this point you should decide if you’d like to try to let other survivors into your boat or not. Think about it carefully. On one hand it might make you feel nice to help others in need, but on the other hand, people can get annoying. Do you really want some fat guy in the boat breathing heavily, sweating, and eating food? Do you want to have to listen to some old woman complaining constantly about her sore legs and jabbering about her grandson David who works at the post office? Keep them out.

I say what you do is, let one guy in and give him the job of regretfully pushing other survivors away with an oar. Then, when they’ve all drowned or gone to other boats, push him out too. It might seem cruel, but it really isn’t. It’s actually pretty funny.  

If You Have No Raft

Find some cool debris. There is probably a lot of neat stuff out there you can cling to. Some popular choices are:

  • Doors

If You Have Multiple Personalities

PersonAssign specific duties to each one. This will help keep things from devolving into chaos. Just make sure to give the most important duties to a personality that will perform them responsibly.

For example, if you have a 1940’s gangster personality and you assign it to food rationing duty, obviously you’re asking for trouble. Think about it: He is going to hoard all the food and try to make the other personalities pay for it. This won’t work because obviously nobody has any money. Give him lookout duty.

If You Have An Anchor

Throw it overboard and cut the rope. What is even the point of an anchor anyway? Who knows. It’s useless.  


PiratesI sure hope you didn’t expect any “pirate humor” in this section. If you did: Buddy I feel sorry for you. So, as I’m certainly not going to allow this to devolve into any played-out internet jokes, maybe I’ll just perform some avant-garde internet art for you instead.

The following paragraph is full of lame pirate jokes. To make it more interesting, I switched all the “E”s and “I”s to “W”s. Then I went ahead and switched all the other letters to “W”s too (Well, except the “V”s I left those as “V”s but there weren’t any of those in the paragraph. But I had one character just say the letter “V” at the end to prove it). Check it:

W wwwwww wwwww wwww w www. Www wwwww ww wwww, w ww w wwwwww. Www wwwwwwwww wwww, “Www W’w W wwwwwwwww wwwww wwwww”. Www wwwwww wwwww www w wwwww www wwww www wwwwwwwww ww. “Www!” ww wwwwww. “Wwwwwwwwwwww!” wwwwwww www wwwwwwwww, www www ww www wwwwww ww ww www, www wwwww www”. “Www” wwww www wwwwww, wwwwww w wwwww wwww w wwwww. “V.” wwww www wwwwww.

Death Dealing

Ladder SkyIf you’ve chosen to rescue others, there may come a point when you have to kill one or more of them in order that the rest of you can survive. This is definitely a tough situation, but luckily I have experience with it in a dream I recently had. In this dream I was in a lifeboat with a bunch of people. It had too much weight and was about to sink, so I had to kill someone. Here’s how it went down:

This girl I used to know appeared on the boat. I was talking to her, and she complained I had bad breath. I looked for something to eat, but all we had were saltines (which make bad breath worse). Then I was suddenly climbing this rickety old ladder on the face of a cliff and I was checking out some other girl’s butt as she climbed. We got to the top and started browsing through books on a giant bookshelf. I saw a message in my mind that 5 people had fallen to their death from those ladders trying to get to those books. Then I was in a desert in a bus fighting some monsters with terrorists.  

In conclusion: Dreams.