Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 1: Bears

Bears!
By Henry
Hey survival enthusiasts! So you think you want to survive huh? Well reading this series of guides is certainly the way to get started. I am by no means a survival expert, but I have seen every episode of Man vs Wild, and also Survivorman. Please join me as I take you through the world of keeping alive in the wild, and provide you with tips about what to do in desperate situations.

Part 1 – Bears
Part 2 – Jungles
Part 3 – Mountains
Part 4 – Urban
Part 5 – Island


Bears. It might seem silly to start out a survival series talking about bears, but you would be surprised how common bears are. There are over 46 bears in the United States and Canada alone, and there may be even more in other countries, so it is important to know how to survive around bears. Bears are an especially dangerous predator, you should really watch out for them. Each year these animals are responsible for a couple of human deaths. These are not just any humans either; these are usually feral mountain man humans, some of the toughest MFs you’ll ever meet. That should tell you how tough bears are.




Traveling Tips
Hiker

What happens if you are ever on a hike or a camping trip around where bears hang around? What should you do to avoid getting eaten? Here is my advice:


Keep Quiet
As you are walking through the woods, you should be as stealthy as you can. If a bear can’t hear you, it can’t attack you. If you walk around screaming or grunting like a pig a bear might hear this and attack you. So shush!

Carry a Diversionary Carcass
Kill a small animal like a badger, a shrew, or a muskrat and keep the carcass in a backpack or knapsack. This serves two purposes: First, the carcass can be eaten by your party if you should ever get lost or stranded. Second, if you DO happen to come across a bear, you can throw the dead woodchuck at them and run. I think the bear will eat it instead of you, but I’m not sure. You might as well try it and see what happens.


Badger
Yikes! This badger looks pretty tough...better find an easier one.

Submerge
Sometimes it may be necessary to cross a river or a stream. Bears are excellent swimmers, so you are at high risk for bear attacks when you are in the water. I heard that some bears can stay submerged underwater for more than 30 minutes! The best way to cross the river is to be sure to leave only the top of your head sticking out of the water. This is so that the bear (or an alligator) will think you are just a small animal (like a turtle or beaver) and won’t want to eat such a small meal.


Mask Your Scent
If you pour on a gallon of cologne or perfume before you go out into the woods, bears will not be able to smell you. Bears can pick out the scent of a human from about 3 nautical miles away, and if they smell one, they will immediately know where their next meal is (it is you and they will eat you).
This might sound ridiculous, but another way to mask your scent is to go to the bathroom in your pants. You might do this anyway if a bear gets close, but it only works if you do it ahead of time. Bears hate the smell of human waste and will be grossed out.


Travel Only By Night
I am almost positive that bears only hunt during the day, and sleep at night. It’s possible that I have it reversed, but I don’t think so. So to play it safe, move only at night because most of the bears are asleep. There may be a few nocturnal bears out roaming for a midnight snack, but if they’re anything like me they just want a light snack at night, not anything as big as a person. But if you have any babies with you, watch out! A baby would surely make a tasty treat for a bear!

Smokey
*Snarf! Snap! Gobble*





Communication
Communication

There may be times when a bear is nearby but doesn't seem too hostile towards you. You should still be very careful and fear for you life, but times like these are also a great time to negotiate with a bear. It seems strange, but human vocal chords are actually very similar to those of a bear, and people can make many of the same sounds a bear can make. Here are some useful negotiation phrases written out phonetically in "Bear" for you to use:



"Hello"  Romph.
"What do you want?" Rawwrr...
"Stand back!" (Explosive Snort)
"I am friend" Grrrraaaw.
"Laugh it up, fuzzball! Huff, huff, huff, huff!
"I have food" Myum, Myum (smack lips)
"I shall destroy you" (Stand on hind legs and wave paws/arms in air)
      




Battle Tips
Fist

Negotiation is all well and good, but there may come a time when your only available option is to fight a bear. It sounds dangerous (and it is) but there are a number of good ways that you can turn the odds in your favor in a bear fight.


Throw Rocks
If you’re a ways away from the bear, then you can attempt to sap some of his strength with long-range combat. Pick up any small rocks and stones you can find lying around and throw them at the bear. Each time you throw a stone shout out “No!” so that you will be throwing stone after stone after stone and saying “No! No! No! No! No!” Bears do not like this.


Throw a Beehive
If you have played Metal Gear Solid or watched the film Apocolypto, you probably know that a beehive can be a deadly weapon, even against a bear. Listen closely to the forest around you for a loud buzzing noise, and look for a large thing that looks like a beehive. Pick this up and then quickly throw it at the bear. The bees will all come out and sting the bear, getting him even more enraged. This is what you want because an angry bear is more likely to make a mistake.
Beehive
Haha! Get a load of this dumb kid!

Throw the Dice
This is what you do every time you choose to drink and drive. Don’t gamble with your life; don’t drink and drive.


Climb a Tree
What do you mean bears are good climbers? They are terrible climbers; just look how fat they are! You couldn’t imagine some man who is that fat even climbing a set of stairs - let alone a tree - so start climbing. If by chance the bear is a good climber, you will have to attempt to leap from your tree to a nearby tree or rooftop (don’t try to tell me a bear can to THAT too…) since there is no other choice. Just edge yourself out on the thinnest branch you can find and jump, that way the bear can’t follow you, unless he is magic or a stunt bear.


Spear Him
If you are carrying a makeshift spear, try to get the bear to rear up on his hind legs and come crashing down on top of you. When he does this, brace the spear against the ground so it spears the bear with his own weight. For an example of this you can rent this movie about two guys that get lost in the woods and fight a bear. I forgot the name but it stars Anthony Hopkins and a Baldwin and this bear. I give the film 5/10 stars.

Movie
I can't find that dumb movie. This one might be close, he looks like a wildman.

Wrestling
If the only way you can engage a bear is in close-quarters combat, you are most likely going to lose. But you can try any of these things when wrestling him: Bite him, kick his nose, poke an eye, trip him with a leg sweep, or pin his arms behind his back. If you manage to knock him on his stomach, try to climb on his back and ride him until he tires out; this is the only way to truly tame a bear.



I just want to wrap up this segment on bears by saying that it should never have to come to battling a bear. Bears are kind and friendly creatures, and usually they just want to be petted and kissed directly on the mouth by humans. Many signs that bears make that humans see as aggression are often affectionate, so use your best judgment when kissing a bear. If you have any additional questions about bears, send them through the Contact Form at the bottom of the page, and I will answer them for you.

Continue to Part 2