Suicide & San Francisco

Fullhouse 

By Jones
When I heard you were planning to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, I got sort of annoyed. See, I read somewhere that so far 1,300 people have already killed themselves this way. Would it kill you to try something original for once in your life? I mean, so it’s a popular place to commit suicide, big deal. If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you? Heh, heh, just a little joke there. Of course you would. Seriously though, do you really want to follow all the other lemmings straight off into the abyss of played-out suicide methods. In any event, I wondered about the mindset and personality of you jumpers, so I did some research and came up with this chart:

 

chart

 

Some sick freak has charted the location where each suicide jumped off, and which side they chose. Okay, maybe calling the creator a sick freak is a bit harsh, but it is a weird little project. Anyway I’m only here to help you; to talk you through all this. Nobody’s here to judge anyone. As far as I know suicide isn’t a crime. I think attempted suicide is in some states though, so let that be a lesson to you kids, and remember the words of Ben Franklin, our third president: "He that lieth down with dogs shall rise up with fleas."


quaker
Benjamin Franklin

Anyway, me and a number of high-profile statisticians and psychologists have analyzed this bridge suicide chart, and came up with some observations.

The Center Jumpers

(Pole 69 & 71)

I saw that a substantial portion of you jumpers had chosen to jump from the center point between the two bridge towers. Why is this? Is there some secret jumper’s code that I am unaware of? How exactly were you people able to find the center? Did you count poles beforehand? Eyeball it?

Perhaps you jimmied the window to city hall with a pocketknife late one night and crept inside… Maybe as you stole down the dank and echoing marble chambers, you came upon the lone security guard as he lay with his head down on his oaken desk, snoozing ever so softly. “Sleep tight sweet prince,” you cooed soothingly and stroked his thinning hair as you delicately unhooked the jangling keychain from his belt. “Don’t let the bedbugs bite…” And then off you went down the basement steps, taking them two at a time and clucking your tongue softly to the rats in the walls.

Upon entering the map room, you paused for a moment to allow your eyes to adjust to the dim light, your nostrils filling with the sweet scents given off by elder texts. In the center of the room, a glass case lies enshrouded in a beam of dusty sunlight. The plans. Your fingers twitched eagerly as you reached for the latch. They were finally yours—

Wait. I was supposed to be talking about the bridge. On we go. 

It is important to note that, that poles 69 and 71 are not actually at the center of the bridge, they are merely at the center of the towers. The bridge’s center would actually be somewhere around pole 77. Hey dummies, if you were trying to jump from the center, you chose the wrong place! Sorry, I didn’t mean to call you dummies, but you really get me mad sometimes.

pole

I searched for "Pole" on the internet and this guy came up.

I guess he could be polish, but it's still strange.

Maybe if you were alive you’d say, “Well maybe I just didn’t care if I was at the center! I just wanted to die, OK!” I don’t buy this pal. Why go through all the effort of walking all the way to the middle if you don’t care about getting it exact. Just throw yourself off anywhere. Which brings us to our next group:

 

The Inexplicably Eager

(Any Pole Not Above Water)

What is the deal with all of you muttonheads who jumped out onto the land? I don’t think any of you guys should be counted on the tally. It seems to me that you wanted to horn in on all the publicity, but didn’t want to go through any of the effort. One of you guys jumped out into the vista point parking lot, and a few of you landed in the road. Come on! This strikes me as exceedingly lazy. What, do you have a dental appointment later? Please just take a few more seconds to walk out above the water. I can tell you that if you were in a hurry, you wasted your effort walking all the way to the Golden Gate Bridge. Just jump out the window of building downtown, it accomplishes the same thing.

Additionally, jumping off these parts of the bridge is selfish and rude. Regular people are trying to get things done down below. Dum de dumm just a bunch of happy-go-lucky people going about there day and – WHOOOP – there goes Todd, he’s leapt off into a crowd of tourists come to see the bridge. That’s a vacation little Jimmy’s never going to forget. You have to be more careful. You can really spoil a person’s day. You might even kill them.


tourists
Maddox & Andre Aggasi vacation at the Golden Gate

Not to mention the mess you’re going to make when you land. Somebody is going to have to clean that up, you know! Oh, and on a related note, don’t eat anything before you commit suicide. It only contributes to the mess, and it’s a waste of good food.


Apologies

Well, that should about wrap it up kids. I hope everybody decided not to commit suicide. Although it is more likely that reading this poorly written garbage has actually driven some of you to suicide. Sorry if it did, but you could have just closed the page. Nobody really should kill themselves after all.

temple

Kurt Fog & Olmec say:

"Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire."


 

Bonus!
Just for fun, let me make some quick suggestions of unorthodox suicide methods:

 

  • While fighting Cary Grant on Roosevelt’s face, just jump off. He would probably be pretty confused.

  • When a rocket is taking off at NASA, run up to it.

  • Go to a meat packing plant on a tour and when nobody is looking, leap into a mixing vat. If nobody notices, you will be eaten by thousands of people, continuing the circle of life. This is what American Indians did in olden times.

  • Climb on top of a HUGE white firework at the 4th of July, shout “Wee-hoo!” while waving an oversized novelty cowboy hat, and then launch yourself directly in front of the other fireworks during the grand finale, blotting them all out.

  • If committing suicide because your girlfriend just dumped you: Put 70’s short-shorts with a white stripe and knee socks and run to her house in the rain. As you run, sob wistfully so that your salty tears mix with the lukewarm rainwater and just for a moment everything seems alright. When you arrive at her house, bash both your fists repeatedly against the screen door and scream “CAAAARRROOOLLLL!” Then collapse, dead. Hopefully she will be home.

Anyway, Goodbye, and try not to die.