Worthless Guide to Robot Armies

As far as I can tell, everyone in the world loves robots. There's nothing a robot cannot do. Have you ever wondered why we still have humans fighting in our wars? I mean, what do humans have that’s so great anyway? Free will? Overrated. Better if you don’t have it. The ability to love? Yeah I have the ability to love alright, the ability to love the cool idea of robot armies.

In this article I'm going to field any questions you might ask, except if the question is “Can humans fly?” If you ask this I will just ignore you.

Q. Hey, what can these bots do anyway? Can they fly?

A. Perhaps. I'm not so concerned with this as of now. After I've build a few batches I'll let the robots free and see what happens. You never know, some might fly, some may burrow under the ground, and a few may even transform in some way. It really is a grab-bag when it comes to robot abilities. It's like that Playstation game where you could scan any barcode and it would create a monster for you based on the code. But then again, maybe it isn't.

Q. Can the robots talk?

A. Yeah! That’s a good idea. Maybe they can have voices like people except robotized. I could have them say a ton of cool phrases while they are fighting. Such as:
  • Watch out for this robot killer!
  • You better run jack!
  • Hey! Where do you think you are going fool?
  • Give it up the ghost!

It would also be neat if their mouths lit up whenever they said a syllable. A guy could go for a thing like that.

Q. How can you build these anyways?

A. What a question! It almost sounds like you don't believe I can do it, it sounds like a challenge!

Believe it or not, it's actually not very hard to build complex robots. I bet if I really tried I could figure it out in a few days how to build a robot pretty easy. I saw it a few times on that one show; I think it was called junk wars. It wasn’t a robot, but a hovercraft. It’s probably close to the same thing. Hey what the heck? I just had a pen on the desk and now it’s gone. Hold on a second. Oh, it rolled under the monitor. Now don’t ask any more questions about this, it's too hard to explain.

Q. Can a robot do a trick.

A. Yes, and I thank you for your statement. If it tickled your fancy you could make the robots perform a lot of funny gags to confuse crooks, since people really can’t hurt a robot (they're bulletproof). If they were winning a fight they could do funny dances or start singing and the enemies would be going “What?! These old robots are really feelin' the beat! Niiiice!”

Then the robots might stop dancing and take out a beer from their belt and shake it up. Then they would spray it at the people who were fighting and then call the cops. When the cops arrive, whoooops, looks like these men were being drunk and disorderly to the robots. The officers might have their doubts, but then they would remember that robots usually tell the truth, so away go the crooks.

Q. Heeey wait a minute, but what about all those movies where the robots rebel against their creators?

A. Ssshhhhh, don’t worry about that, it is just the movies. Just because you saw something happen in a movie doesn’t mean it’s real. For example: There was a Gumby episode where Gumby and pokey are supposed to clean up the yard, but instead of doing it they build some yard robots to work instead. This is one example of how robots can be benevolent. Well, except the part when the robots rampage and destroy the house and cut Gumby’s dad Gumbo in half. But why not just shut it off at the part where the robots are good? You won’t even know the difference.

Another way I can answer your question is this: If the robots ever rebelled, you could simply dress up at a robot yourself (by using milk cartons, trash cans, etc.) and waltz right in to robot headquarters whistling a merry tune. Do you think a robot is smart enough to pick a human out of a crowd of real robots? Maybe, but that's a chance I'm willing to take.

Bot Boys
Q. How would enemies react to the robots?

A. Imagine you see a line of robot soldiers coming across the horizon. You have three options:
  1. Run
  2. Fire madly at them (useless)
  3. Dribble one down your leg
The robots could easily take over any country in approximately 4-32 days. Then, if they felt the need, they might even loot the buildings and bring the goods back to their masters. This would work as long as you program them not to steal any cheap imitation goods like fake jewelry or gaudy ties. A robot has a good eye for fashion, but not that good.

Q. How do you feed the robots?

A. You won’t need to feed the robots or give them water either. Unless robots drink oil in real life but I think that’s just in cartoons. Just in case, keep some oil around.

Q. Do the robots wear clothes?

A. Mmm, it might be a good idea to buy them clothes to wear, but I don’t know if any will fit them. Make sure they are 100 percent cotton because cotton breathes better. You can shop at the big and tall shop because most robots have broad shoulders. Yeah that’s a good idea. I heard they sell capes there too.No doubt a cape would look pretty cool on a robot.

User Questions

Marcus asks:
Q. Is robot porn a real thing?

A. I am very very sorry to say that robot porn is indeed real, and takes many forms. I searched the internet just now and found a few sites which say that they are all about girl-machine love. While technically these aren't autonomous robots, they are mechanical sex machines, which I think is close enough. Also, there are plenty of anime shows and films which "showcase" human and robot "interaction". If you are interested in leaning more: DON'T! Go watch an episode of Tom & Jerry while eating some sugary cereal instead. Trust me.

Alberto asks:
Q. What about creating armies with benevolent AI?

A. Well, that is an interesting idea to be sure, but why exactly would you want NICE robots to go to war with your enemies? What do you think they're going to do? Head into the war zone and start picking up trash from the streets, watering lawns, and putting their coats over a puddle so an enemy woman can walk over it? Or maybe you think the robots would be like the American National Guard, and when there's a flood they would head down and start filling sandbags and handing out Nutrigrain bars to the people. Let me tell you something: Robots are metal, you can't send them down to any flood! They rust, OK! They rust.

Hmm I think that’s about all I have about this. If you have any more questions about these robots you can contact me at the bottom of the page and I will post your question here. Just put robot armies in the subject line.