By M. Anger
Cars. Everybody has them (except really poor people, children, and many people in cities) and everybody loves them (except me). But there are some cars which I hate more than others: The Hummer H2, Dodge Magnum, Chrysler 300, and Mercedes SLR McLaren. These are cars which bring great shame upon themselves and the people who purchase them. Read on for the top 10 most ridiculous cars of all time.
Editor's note: This article does not include 10 cars, only 4. Also, these cars are most certainly not the most ridiculous cars of all time. They are maybe some of the most ridiculous cars of 2004-2007. We apologize for any confusion this may have caused.
The Hummer H2:
A Quiet Dignity
I think I’m going to buy a Hummer H2. You want to know why? No, it isn’t because I’m terribly fond of the car’s plastic tote container appearance, or because I love squandering precious natural resources by driving a vehicle which burns more fuel than a passenger jet. And it certainly isn’t because I’m “lacking” in certain male areas, that's just a silly stereotype. I’m going to buy a Hummer because I want to be an icon. I want to be a symbol of pompous wastefulness.
I want to give the people someone they can despise. When I stop at a stoplight, I want to know that families will look over at me and sneer. I want to be sure that they’ll shake their heads. I want to be absolutely positive that they’ll want to puncture the soft rubber of my tires with a flathead screwdriver; or to take a baseball bat to my blinding, eye-level headlights.
I want to give the people someone to ridicule. I want my friends to be too embarrassed to be seen driving with me. I want young girls by the side of the road to giggle and elbow one another when I drive by. I want people who stand behind me in line at the gas station to stifle a derisive laugh when the cashier announces my total.
Certainly I’ll deserve every bit of hatred and ridicule that I’ll receive. But deep down inside, I think hatred and ridicule is exactly what I want. Otherwise, why would I buy such a ridiculous car?
Yeah daddy, it's really neat.
Can you take me to gymnastics now please?
I’m looking into getting one of those Dodge Magnums. I just love the style those cars have! What’s that you say honey? Hold on, my wife is yelling at me here. I can’t hear you; the car is what-shaped? Speak up! What do you mean “Phallic”?! Come down here if you want to talk to me! I swear, one day I'm gonna pop that shrew right in the mouth, Bam! I'm just joking of course, I'd never hit a lady. I couldn’t understand a word she said though. I could’ve sworn she said “that car looks like a big metal penis” or something crazy like that. I just don’t get women sometimes. Never get married friend, that's the best advice you'll ever get fella!
In any case, I just love the car. It has the signature dodge truck looks. You know, the look that says “I may be white trash, but at least I’ve managed to save up enough cash to put a down payment on this beefy truck I don’t even need because I live by myself and never haul anything except for my enormous sense of white male self-entitlement”. Well now you can get that same look, in slightly-smashed-looking station wagon form!
I hear you can get one of those new HEMI engines in these mothers too. I saw that on the T.V. Nothing says “disturbing the peace” like the throaty Brap-brapping of a needlessly loud and significant less efficient engine style!
Boy oh boy, I can’t wait to strap the twins into their car seats and go out cruising (when the wife takes her nap of course!). Wellp, I'm off to the salt mines. Talk to you later bud.
Gotham City Electric-Razor-Mobile
Brute force; that’s my style, baby! I’m a blue-collar, hard-working, hard drinking son of a gun, and I’d been keepin’ my eyeballs peeled for a car that matched my lifestyle. Then I saw the three page Chrysler 300 ad in the July issue of Maxim. Right then and there, I knew it was the car for me.
This car is a drivable sledgehammer! It’ll bulldoze through traffic like nobody’s business! Well OK, I guess it does have a lotta fragile plastic, glass, and expensive computers in there… But hey, it looks a lot like a sledgehammer, and that’s good enough for old Roscoe!
A lot of the guys I know have been down on old Mr. 300 here because of his looks. They tried to tell me that it looks like the kinda goofy car Bruce Wayne or Dick Tracy would drive in those old cornball 50’s comic strips. Well sheeeeat. I don’t mind that one little bit! In case you forgot, Dick Tracy and Batman were a coupla tough mofos who didn’t take no guff from nobody.
Mercedes SLR McLaren:
Well... At least it costs a lot...
Good sweet day in the morning am I ever rich! I’m so rich that sometimes when I look at my bank I gasp, because even I’m surprised at how much more rich I’ve become in just one month! Seriously, I’m rolling in it and I don’t even know what to do with all the money. I throw it away left and right! I actually spent 1,500 dollars on an umbrella stand. I mean really, an umbrella stand, can you imagine? Do people even use umbrellas anymore? I sure don't.
This is why I’m considering the Mercedes SLR McLaren. It isn’t that I need a performance automobile; I most certainly do not. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to drive it. I often have trouble controlling my Audi in the rain; imagine what a terrible menace I would be in one of these McLorens, or whatever it is they’re called.
But still… the car is extremely prestigious, is it not? Although it's beyond me why it would be. It really is a beastly thing. It looks as if some “artist” has taken the classic Mercedes coupe and squashed it and stretched it and pulled it in all the wrong places. It shall be absolutely dreadful to drive around in this beaked greyhound of a car, but I simply must keep up appearances. After all, it will all be worth it just to see that Janet Covington’s face when I pull this car up to that prefabricated mini-mansion of hers.
Now, how to order this... Lupita! Lupita bring the phone in here immediately darling I've an important call to make!