Rich Jerk

By M. Anger
Cars. Everybody has them (except really poor people, children, and many
people in cities) and everybody loves them (except me). But there are
some cars which I hate more than others: The Hummer H2, Dodge Magnum,
Chrysler 300, and Mercedes SLR McLaren. These are cars which bring
great shame upon themselves and the people who purchase them. Read on
for the top 10 most ridiculous cars of all time.

Editor's note: This article does not include 10 cars, only 4. Also,
these cars are most certainly not the most ridiculous cars of all time.
They are maybe some of the most ridiculous cars of 2004-2007. We apologize for
any confusion this may have caused.

Hummer H2
The Hummer H2:
A Quiet Dignity

I think I’m going to buy a Hummer H2. You want to know why? No, it
isn’t because I’m terribly fond of the car’s plastic tote container
appearance, or because I love squandering precious natural resources by
driving a vehicle which burns more fuel than a passenger jet. And it
certainly isn’t because I’m “lacking” in certain male areas, that's
just a silly stereotype. I’m going to buy a Hummer because I want to be
an icon. I want to be a symbol of pompous wastefulness.

I want to give the people someone they can despise. When I stop at a
stoplight, I want to know that families will look over at me and sneer.
I want to be sure that they’ll shake their heads. I want to be
absolutely positive that
they’ll want to puncture the soft rubber of my tires with a flathead
screwdriver; or to take a baseball bat to my blinding, eye-level

I want to give the people someone to ridicule. I want my friends to be
too embarrassed to be seen driving with me. I want young girls by the
side of the road to giggle and elbow one another when I drive by. I
want people who stand behind me in line at the gas station to stifle a
derisive laugh when the cashier announces my total.

Certainly I’ll deserve every bit of hatred and ridicule that I’ll
receive. But deep down inside, I think hatred and ridicule is exactly
what I want. Otherwise, why would I buy such a ridiculous car?

Dodge Magnum
Dodge Magnum:

Yeah daddy, it's really neat.

Can you take me to gymnastics now please?

I’m looking into getting one of those Dodge Magnums. I just love the
style those cars have! What’s that you say honey? Hold on, my wife is
yelling at me here. I can’t hear you; the car is what-shaped? Speak up!
What do you mean “Phallic”?! Come down here if you want to talk to me!
I swear, one day I'm gonna pop that shrew right in the mouth, Bam! I'm
just joking of course, I'd never hit a lady. I couldn’t understand a
word she said though. I could’ve sworn she said “that car looks like a
big metal penis” or something crazy like that. I just don’t get women
sometimes. Never get married friend, that's the best advice you'll ever
get fella!

In any case, I just love the car. It has the signature dodge truck
looks. You know, the look that says “I may be white trash, but at least
I’ve managed to save up enough cash to put a down payment on this beefy
truck I don’t even need because I live by myself and never haul
anything except for my enormous sense of white male self-entitlement”.
Well now you can get that same look, in slightly-smashed-looking
station wagon form!

I hear you can get one of those new HEMI engines in these mothers too.
I saw that on the T.V. Nothing says “disturbing the peace” like the
throaty Brap-brapping of a needlessly loud and significant less
efficient engine style!

Boy oh boy, I can’t wait to strap the twins into their car seats and go
out cruising (when the wife takes her nap of course!). Wellp, I'm off
to the salt mines. Talk to you later bud.

Chrysler 300
Chrysler 300:

Gotham City Electric-Razor-Mobile

Brute force; that’s my style, baby! I’m a blue-collar, hard-working,
hard drinking son of a gun, and I’d been keepin’ my eyeballs peeled for
a car that matched my lifestyle. Then I saw the three page Chrysler 300
ad in the July issue of Maxim. Right then and there, I knew it was the
car for me.


This car is a drivable sledgehammer! It’ll bulldoze through traffic
like nobody’s business! Well OK, I guess it does have a lotta fragile
plastic, glass, and expensive computers in there… But hey, it looks a
lot like a sledgehammer, and that’s good enough for old Roscoe!

Hooo doggies!

A lot of the guys I know have been down on old Mr. 300 here because of
his looks. They tried to tell me that it looks like the kinda goofy car
Bruce Wayne or Dick Tracy would drive in those old cornball 50’s comic
strips. Well sheeeeat. I don’t mind that one little bit! In case you
forgot, Dick Tracy and Batman were a coupla tough mofos who didn’t take
no guff from nobody.




SLR McLaren
Mercedes SLR McLaren:
Well... At least it costs a lot...

Good sweet day in the morning am I ever rich!
I’m so rich that sometimes when I look at my bank I gasp, because even
I’m surprised at how much more rich I’ve become in just one month!
Seriously, I’m rolling in it and I don’t even know what to do with all
the money. I throw it away left and right! I actually spent 1,500
dollars on an umbrella stand. I mean really, an umbrella stand, can you
imagine? Do people even use umbrellas anymore? I sure don't.

This is why I’m considering the Mercedes SLR McLaren. It isn’t that I
need a performance automobile; I most certainly do not. I’m not even
sure I’ll be able to drive it. I often have trouble controlling my Audi
in the rain; imagine what a terrible menace I would be in one of these McLorens, or whatever it is they’re called.

But still… the car is extremely prestigious, is it not? Although it's
beyond me why it would be. It really is a beastly thing. It looks as if
some “artist” has taken the classic Mercedes coupe and squashed it and
stretched it and pulled it in all the wrong places. It shall be
absolutely dreadful to drive
around in this beaked greyhound of a car, but I simply must keep up
appearances. After all, it will all be worth it just to see that Janet
Covington’s face when I pull this car up to that prefabricated
mini-mansion of hers.

Now, how to order this... Lupita! Lupita bring the phone in here immediately darling I've an important call to make!