Review: Amazon Oddities

Amazon Oddities - Shirt Bib
You might not be aware of this, but AMAZON sells some truly weird shit. Unfortunately, finding these products is not as easy as it could be. It works like this: Items which are deemed worthy of the "Amazon Oddities" label can be tagged by customers as an "Amazon Oddity" and will then be shown HERE, for your theoretical amusement. This would be fine, except there's nothing stopping hundreds of random unfunny idiots from tagging any product they think is "cute" or "hilarious" as an Amazon Oddity. So unless you feel like sifting through 100+ pages of sex toys (tee-hee!), cheesy gag gifts, and children's books with the word "poop" in the title, you probably won't have much use for the list.
 
But luckily for you, I've decided to do my part for society and review five of the most useful Amazon Oddities: The Gambler's Mustache, A Large Boulder, 4500 Live Ladybugs, The Pig acupuncture Model, and The Home Gastric Bypass Kit. I know it's not much, but it's the least I can do to help.
 


GAMBLER MUSTACHE ADULT - $2.99

Amazon Oddities - Gambler Mustache Adult

Product Description

The Gambler mustache is an excellent finishing touch to your cowboy or old western sheriff costume. It is self-adhesive so it is easy to use and comfortable to wear. Hat and Shirt are not included.

Review

 As a professional card shark who was recently diagnosed with a severe case of Alopecia Areata, I am always on the lookout for a quality Gambler Mustache at a reasonable price. Unfortunately for me, the costume shops and wig shops in my area carry only cheap entry-level mustaches. These are often made from cheap synthetic hairs and are rarely (if ever) suitable for an adept mustacier such as myself.
 
Amazon Oddities - More MustacheFor my purposes I require a high-grade mustache of thick and luxurious proportions. It must cover the mouth fully. It should droop slightly, but not hang limply. When immersed in water, it should emerge with a shimmer, and the hairs should not clump or cling to the lip. When brushed with a fine-toothed mustache comb it should part smoothly and delicately, with little fuss.

Some (myself included) might say it would be foolish and unreasonable to expect an inexpensive facial accessory such as the GAMBLER MUSTACHE ADULT to conform to such lofty specifications. But color me surprised: Not only did the mustache meet my requirements, it exceeded them thoroughly! With its adhesive backing, substantial heft, and luxurious mouth feel, those who pick up this mustache will likely never need to concern themselves with another. Three cheers are in order for this wondrous achievement! Hip Hip! ... Hip Hip! ... Hip Hip!


LARGE BOULDER

Amazon Oddities - Large Boulder

Product Description

Ideal for landscaping designs and for accenting waterfall scapes. 18"H x 35"W x 27"D. 35lbs.

Review

 Those in the market for a large novelty boulder need look no further than this particular product. You can be assured that friends and family will thrill upon being allowed to view this faux slab of granite which is ostensibly made of some sort of semisynthetic organic amorphous polymer.

Amazon Oddities - More RocksUse it to display a beloved child or pet (as shown in photo). Use it to clamor up or over during a frolic or in the midst of some sort of romp. Yes, it is even possible to simply use it to create a fantasy setting in one's backyard. Once purchased, this product can be used for any purpose whatsoever (aside from those disallowed by local statues).

It should be noted that this boulder is indeed hollow, but do not let this deter you, as this was likely done to keep shipping costs to a reasonable level.

Previously, the author of this article ordered a solid granite boulder for 18 dollars on ebay, only to discover that it weighed 4 short tons (or 3.62873896 metric tons). He was then informed the shipping cost for the boulder via priority mail from Washington State would cost twelve thousand dollars (which seemed excessive) but as he had already agreed to purchase the item he was forced to wire the money so as not to incur a nonpaying bidder strike on his ebay account.
 
 

LAPAROSCOPIC GASTRIC BYPASS KIT (3 PACK) [Currently Unavailable]

Amazon Oddities - Home Gastric Bypass Kit

Product Description

Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass, 3 Unit / Case 1 BAG BEDSIDE WHT 6.6X3.5X11.75 1 BASIN EMESIS 700CC 1 BLADE NO.10 1 BLADE NO.11 2 BLADE NO.15 1 BOWL 32OZ GRADUATED 1 BULB SYRINGE ASSEMBLED 24 CAV 1 CAUTERY PENCIL RKR W/HLSTR 1 CONTAINER SPECIMEN 4 OZ. 1 CUP MEDICINE 2OZ (AIN) 1 DRAIN PENROSE 1/4X18-LF 1 DRAPE ENDOSCOPY 1 FOG REDUCTION 6GRAM 10 GAUZE 2X2 12PLY 10 GAUZE 4X4 16PLY XRAY 10’S 1 GOWN NON REINF XLG/CSR/TOWEL 1 GOWN NONREINF SONT XLG 1 LBL:WHITE .5 X 1.75 9/CARD 1 LID FOR 2OZ. MEDCUP 1 LID FOR SPEC CONT 51778 BLUE 2 LIGHT HNDL COVER SOFT 1 MAYO STAND COVER STD 1 NDL CNTR DBL MAG 20CT 1 RULER FOR SKIN MARKER 1 SKIN MARKER 1 SYR 10CC CONTROL 1 TBG INSUFFLATION LUER LOCK 1 TBG SUCTION .25IN X 144IN 1 TBL CVR 60X90 HD, BNS 1 TIP CAUTERY COATED 10 TOWEL OR BLUE PRETREATED 1 UNPRINTED POLY BAG SPEC Product photo may not exactly match the product offered for sale. Please refer to the product description.

Review

 I've been husky for as long as I can remember. I've never given much thought to it. That all changed last year, when I had the eye-opening experience of viewing the video footage of my brother-in-law's wedding ceremony (I was the best man). Sometimes I guess it takes seeing yourself slowly crawling up the steps of a small church on a specially constructed wooden ramp on your reinforced mobility scooter while gallon upon gallon of flopsweat seeps through your tarp-like blue suitcoat to realize how unhealthy you've actually become. It was only after seeing this footage that I knew I had to make a change. I had expanded well out of the "reasonably overweight" category and now found myself deep-frying about in the oily pool of morbid obesity, and this was not OK. Luckily, I discovered this product just in time.
 
Amazon Oddities - Bypass DosWhile many of you may scoff at the idea of performing your own gastric bypass at home, it is important to understand that the cost of "professional" gastric bypass surgery performed by a "registered physician" can run anywhere from $20,000 to $35,000. This is quite a high price to pay for what is actually a fairly straightforward surgical procedure.
 
My only real complaint about this kit is that an instruction manual is not included. It wasn't difficult to find a walkthrough of the surgery online, but would it have killed them to at least include a small fold-out gastric bypass poster with the steps for the procedure outlined on the back? Apparently it would. Oh,and one more small gripe: A number of gauze pads are included, but I ran through them rather quickly and ended up having to use a few of my personal cotton beach towels to sop up some bile seepage. Granted, these can be washed, but those who've handled bile will know that it isn't easy to clean out of natural fabrics such as cotton.
 
The ending to my story is a happy one: I've lost over 786 pounds, and I'm finally able to heft myself out of a chair, move my hand slightly to get a better grip on the remote, and raise my head a few degrees to look out a window without any significant degree of difficulty. So thank you Amazon, for giving me my life back.
 
 

ACUPUNCTURE PIG MODEL - $45

Amazon Oddities - Acupuncture Pig Model

Product Description

Acupuncture pig models left half shows the constitution of a white boar and 55 acupuncture points often in used on the head, neck, buttock, tail and limbs. The right half shows the superficial layer muscles, and the longitudinal section of the dorsal vertebral column and the internal organs. Made of PVC plastic.

Review

 As a young androgyne, I happened to stumble across my father's dog-eared second century copy of Yellow Emperor's Inner Canon. While thumbing through its crumbling pages, I came across an article entitled Shijin which, roughly translated, means "Piglet endures vagina flightdesk". Little did I know that I had just discovered the earliest written record of swine-centric acupuncture, the ancient Chinese art of animal acupuncture.

Amazon Oddities - PigsI studied the book eagerly, and soon I was jamming needles into our hog Dutchess in an attempt to alleviate the troubling migraines and Temporo-mandibular joint derangement (also known as bruxism) that she experienced on a daily basis.
 
Today, I am a professor in the field of hog acupuncture, peerless in my devotion to inserting things into pigs in order to align their lifeforces. My only problems arose when attempting to educate my students on the proper placement of needles in certain, very specific areas of the hog's body. A two-dimensional diagram did not suffice, as it was  and using a real pig was out of the question (as one may accidentally cure a disease the animal does not have, causing it to go mad). Fortunately, this large plastic model displaying many of the innards of a pig for some reason is just what the pseudoscientific non-doctor ordered when it came to swine-innard-focused educatory aids. Now my students have little trouble finding the area of the hindquarters in which a needle should be inserted on a pig to cure tinnitus.
 
 

SACK CONTAINING 4500 LIVE LADYBUGS - $17.95

Amazon Oddities - 4500 Live Ladybugs

Product Description

YOU ARE PURCHASING 4500 LIVE LADYBUGS (HIPPODAMIA CONVERGENS) USED FOR ORGANIC "PESTICIDE FREE" GARDENING. THESE LADIES EAT MOST SOFT BODIED INSECTS, INCLUDING APHIDS, WHITEFLIES, MEALYBUGS, SPIDER MITES ETC. ETC. THESE LADYBUGS CAN BE USED IN YOUR GARDEN OR FARM, YOUR CHILDS SCHOOL GARDEN, GREENHOUSES, ANYWHERE PESTS ARE PRESENT. MAKE GREAT GIFTS. EACH COTTON BAG CONTAINS APPROX. 4500 ADULT LADYBUGS ENOUGH TO TREAT ABOUT 3000 SQ FEET. DETAILED EASY TO FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS INCLUDED. FAST SHIPPING!! LARGER QUANTITIES ARE AVAILABLE. THESE LADYBUGS ARE NATIVE TO THE UNITED STATES. SORRY NO SALES TO HAWAII..

Review

 I originally purchased these bugs with the intention of using them in an erotic direct-to-DVD thriller I was producing with my son, and I have to say I am more than satisfied with my purchase. After wrapping on the film, I decided to release the remaining bugs (approximately 4,200 of them) into my home as I had heard that they make excellent pets. And they certainly do! In only a few days, my ladybugs have become members of the family.

Amazon Oddities 2 I have even taught them to perform a number of tricks. For example, if I'm doing some work on the computer and a clump of them alight on the desk. If I then proceed to pound on the desk, many of them will begin to fly about the room, while others will be smashed and killed. This is a great trick for parties.
 
My one complaint is the included instruction manual. The seller claims that the directions are "easy to follow" but I had trouble figuring out how to get three or four of the bugs to function properly at first, as they would not move of respond when speared with mechanical pencil lead or burned. I called the 800 number and it turns out that these bugs were actually dead, and was also told they probably arrived that way. I was a little annoyed, but the customer service rep agreed to overnight me ten replacement bugs which would be delivered to my neighbor's garden by the light of the full moon. I went out to look the next morning and sure enough I was able to find the bugs clinging to various leaves. Excellent customer service!
 
The bottom line here is that the professionalism of this seller stands in stark contrast to some of the other ladybug peddlers I've come across on Amazon. Take my word for it: You won't find a better deal on lady bugs anywhere on the planet.
 
 

THE WRAP

I hope you've found these reviews to be useful and informative, as it has always been my deepest and most intimate desire to be of service to the discerning internet consumer. If you enjoyed this list for whatever reason, I'll be reviewing more Amazon Oddities soon enough, so keep an eye out for that if you're the eye-keeping-out-for-things-on-the-internet type.
 

Photo Credits
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