Random Object Reviews: Part 3

CheckoutThe other day, I thought I’d write some more reviews of random items. “I think I’ll write some more reviews of random items.” I said. The cashier quickly scanned a can of peaches, and looked up at me fearfully. “Eyes down!” I hissed raising a clenched fist. The woman flinched and continued scanning. “That’s better.” I said, casually unwrapping a package of gum I had not paid for. “But truly my dear,” I said, “All this shopping business has got me thinking,” I popped a piece of gum into my mouth, “thinking that I’ll write some reviews of random items when I get home.”

And so, here they are.

Some Kind of Cheap Multitool

ToolI received this as a gift from a relative at some point. As you can probably tell from the picture, it’s supposed to be a tool you use to perform various tasks. What you probably can’t tell from the picture though, is the degree to which I despise it.


I have never seen such a poorly-constructed item in my life. The hinges are cheap and barely function, so whenever I want to open it I have to scream as I wrench it apart with both hands using all my strength. Then, half the time I pull too hard and the thing snaps open and pinches my fingers somehow. So I go into a blind rage and hurl it across the room.


The individual parts of this tool might seem useful IN THEORY, but unfortunately I don’t think a single one of them even comes close to working properly. Let's go through them, won’t us?


PliersThe concept of pliers is a simple one: They close around an object, are able to manipulate it in some fashion, and then open again so you can remove the tool from said object. The designers of this tool were able to get TWO of these right. They close just fine, and they certainly stay closed.

Actually that last one is sort of the problem: They stay closed indefinitely. If you try to open the tool again it just sort of folds back in on itself. You have to use a different tool to pry this one off whatever you were trying to fix. Sometimes I just leave it hanging there. I think it looks nice.

Knife & Others

This side has a knife and a couple of other things I never use because I don’t know what they are. One looks like a chisel, one is kind of a stabby type thing, and the top one…I don’t know what the hell that is. But getting back to the knife, it’s actually probably the most useful thing on this tool. It’s still crap, but at least it does what it’s supposed to do, cut stuff. The metal is thin and cheap though, so I’ve never actually used it because I’m afraid it would break.

“Saw” & Different Others

SawRandom 2
Hah! Yeah, right, this is supposed to be a saw. That’s pretty rich. More like a worn-down somewhat jagged nail file. The blade is about a nanometer thick, and the blade part isn’t the least bit sharp. One time I tried to use it to cut grooves in a tiny piece of balsa wood which I planned to use as a makeshift bridge for a guitar. It took about thirty-eight hours to cut through it; I honestly think I would’ve been better off biting the wood to length.

Also there are three more “mystery” tools on this side. A Phillips Head screwdriver (in case I misplace all eighty of the other ones I have around the house), a bottle opener (what is this, 1976? Does anybody use bottle openers anymore?), and another really sharp face gouger.

Final Rating

I hereby bestow upon this tool a rating of:

One vandalized yield sign, two half-eaten carrots, and a plesiosaur.


CatI purchased this cat at a humane society a number of years ago. I’m not sure what brand it’s supposed to be, I think it might be a calico or something. Who knows. I didn’t bother to give it a name either, which really seems to upset everyone who visits me. Apparently not naming a pet is a form of abuse in some people’s books.

I just don’t see the logic in it. The only time I really talk to it is when I shout at it for knocking things over, or if I say hello to it. Anyway I don't think it understands me.


I have to admit, this is a pretty nice-looking cat (even though it looks like someone spilled a bunch of paints all over it). As far as I can tell, the legs are all the same length, and the fur is nice and soft. The bones seem sturdy. I don't really throw it around or pound on it with a hammer, but I think it would hold up pretty well.


Heightened Sense of Fear

This cat is afraid of everything. It never even lets me pick it up. If I try, it just gets scared and runs away. Sometimes if nobody else is around and I lay down, it’ll come and sit next to me so I can pet it. But if I move to fast or if the furnace turns on downstairs, it runs away again.

Plays Games


Honestly this is more of an annoyance than a feature. If you throw a piece of string or one of its toys across the room, the cat will go get it and bring it back to you. I don't actually consider this a game though, it's actually just a hassle. I don’t want to stop what I’m doing every 10 seconds to stoop down throw some stupid toy mouse out into the hall. So after a few times I take the toy away and put it in a drawer. Then the cat sits there pawing at the drawer and meowing while I scream “SHUUUUT UPPPPP!” and bang on the desk until it runs under the bed.

It also plays the fun games most other cats play:
  • I  am going to crap on that rug
  • You were foolish enough to buy nice leather furniture; now I shall destroy it
  • Terrified car ride yowling adventure
  • Slice apart my owner's face in the middle of the night when he accidentally startles me by moving slightly in his sleep
  • Let's vomit on everything!
  • There's a ladybug on the ceiling, I'm going to go insane!

Final Rating

I rate this cat: 

3.5 Hovercrafts