Most Superpowers Are Worthless (A Guide)

Powers
Many people wish they had superpowers, but do they truly know the risk involved in obtaining them? Who among us would brave an atomic blast, a bite from a radioactive arachnid, or an inordinately risky and ostensibly pointless genetic experiment in order to obtain these powers? Very few people, because humans are basically cowards. But for those foolish enough to try, I’ve written this guide describing the practical features of each of the major superpowers. Be sure and read the whole thing before you decide which you're going to go for.



Flight



Flight


Why would you want it?
You probably wouldn’t. You can probably name a bunch of superheroes that can fly, but can you name any whose only ability is flight? I don’t think there are any, and this is because the power of flight alone is pretty worthless. What exactly are you going to do with it? You can’t fight crime any better if you can fly. I suppose it would help you to better see if any crimes were being committed though. You would probably just have to phone the police. This puts the power of Flight at about the same crime-fighting level as a nosy old neighbor woman who peeks through her miniblinds all day.


Pros
  • Pretty Impressive
  • Save Money on Transportation
  • Fun

Flying Nun

Cons
  • Worthless
  • Too Cold in Winter / Rain
  • Bugs in Face
  • Extremely Conspicuous
  • Eyes Dry Out / Chapped Face
  • Dangerous at Night
  • Possibly Illegal


Usefulness
3/10



Invisibility



Invisible Man


Why would you want it?
Invisibility is pretty much a license to do anything you want without consequences. Want to continuously set off the customer bell at small shops causing the owner to come out and look puzzled upon seeing that nobody is around? Go right ahead! Fancy going around taking people’s hats off and throwing them? Who’s going to stop you? Feel like standing pantsless on the jewelry counter at Sears and playing with yourself while singing the theme from Full House? Go to town. Just make sure to clean up after yourself, because the mess you will leave will most certainly not be invisible.


Pros
  • Get into Movies Free
  • Skinny Dipping Without Embarrassment
  • Watching People Undress
  • Perfect Criminal
  • Easily Mess with People
  • Masturbate Freely

Jewelry Counter

Cons
  • Will Undoubtedly Become Evil


Usefulness
9/10



Animal Transformation



Animal Transform


Why would you want it?
I don’t know. I can only imagine a few situations where this power would be useful. You become a bird. OK, you can fly. So what? You’ll just have to turn back into a human again if you wanted to accomplish anything besides eating a field mouse. Some of you might be smugly thinking, “Well I could turn into a tiger and be able to attack my enemies!” Well how about this: get yourself a gun instead of wasting your wish on this worthless superpower. I can think of one case where this power might be less than useless. If someone were to bet you five dollars that you “couldn’t turn into a badger” and then you did, hey that’s easy money. But how likely is a thing like that to happen. Not very.


Pros
  • Can Transform into any Animal

Dumb Cat

Cons
  • Animals are Worthless


Usefulness
0/10



Super Strength



Super Strength


Why would you want it?
You could do things like lifting cars off of trapped pets, heaving large boulders, and opening canned goods simply by squeezing them. If you feel you would be interested in performing feats such as these, Super Strength may be the right power for you. Just remember that regardless of whether you are good or evil, there will be plenty of work involved. Heroes would constantly need to be wrapping groups of thugs up in light poles while laughing heartily, and villains should always be pounding the ground so it ripples in a shockwave, or peeling the roofs of armored cars off as if they were sardine cans. Super Strength is not for the lazy.


Pros
  • Good Fighter
  • Easier Opening Jars
  • Good at Most Sports
  • Look Good Shirtless
  • Square Jaw
  • Lower Risk of Heart Attack

Strong Man

Cons
  • Hassle
  • Constantly Challenged to Arm Wrestling Matches
  • Inability to Give Hugs
  • Thoughtfully Biting Off Own Tongue / Lip Far Easier
  • Tearing Doors from Hinges / Lifting Garage Doors through Roofs
  • Still Not Invincible


Usefulness
6/10




That’s all the superpowers I’ve figured out for now. This series will certainly continue in the future, because hey: I sure don’t have anything better to do.