Private Investigator

If you watch daytime television, you've almost certainly seen some of the many advertisements for various technical colleges. Many of these schools claim to be able to educate you in the field of “private investigation”. This is false. Technical colleges have never been accredited in the field of private investigation. Such programs are scams and would surely be outlawed if our elected officials weren't in the pockets of "Big Tech". But all is not lost. Fortunately for you, I'm a fully ordained private investigator, and I also have a teaching degree in this field as well. So I set out to answer the most common questions about being a private eye for FREE (a 700 dollar value).

Q. What does a private investigator do?

A. Not a whole lot. Sometimes they tail people, sometimes they sit in a car for a stakeout eating a cheesesteak, and sometimes they kick in doors while clutching a small snub-nosed pistol. That's about it.

Q. What does it mean to be “on stakeout”?

A. When you're on stakeout you're trying to catch the criminals doing something bad. Whether you’re sitting outside a restaurant hoping to snap a photo of a cheating wife with her lover, or crouched behind a dumpster in a filth-ridden alley to bust a guy who is pretending to be on disability, the stakeout is one of your most important tools as a PI.



Q. You said something about PI. Is that some kind of crazy jungle talk?

A. Not really. Haven’t you ever seen the TV show Magnum PI? Yeah, I haven’t either. But I think it’s a show about a private investigator (played by the oft-shirtless Tom Selleck). So I think PI stands for private investigator.

Q. Que?

A. What is that, Spanish? The only thing I remember how to say in Spanish is “What do you like to do on the weekends” (Que te gusta hacer en los fines de semana?) I hope this answers your question, and also, I apologize if you were speaking French.

Q. Should I be wearing some sort of disguise when I investigate?

A. If you want to you can. I would warn you against buying those joke glasses with the plastic nose and phony mustache though. Go with a silk or Hawaiian shirt with the top 4 buttons unfastened, which should show off large amounts matted chest hair. If you do not have chest hair, you can find some in your grocer's freezer.

Q. Should I work with a partner?

A. Sometimes having a partner is a good idea. If it's an attractive woman, she can be used to distract some guards. Also you can have her dress in tight leather. Then you pretend to accidentally knock something on the ground in front of her. When she picks it up, you’ll get a cheap thrill.

Q. A suspect spots me and runs. I know I should give chase, but I’m afraid of what might happen. Can you help me out?

A. OK, there are really only three key things that can happen when you chase a suspect. Here’s what they are:


Suspect Slips into Abandoned Factory

FactoryThe best plan of action would be to surround the factory so he cannot escape. Unfortunately you are probably by yourself. So what I would do is this: Run around to all different sides of the building making a loud ruckus (firing your gun, overturning trash bins, banging pots and pans). Then do a whole bunch of different voices if you can.

Say things like “We’ve got him now boys!”, “Go around to the back!” and “Down Champ, down! (make the sound of a dog barking here)”. The idea is to make him think that you’ve got a bunch of people out there so he will become frightened and give himself up. This might work.


Suspect Heads Into Subway


Start a large fire in the subway station's entrance, and then in each subsequent station along the line. The reasoning behind this is that you don't want to go into the subway. That place is pretty much the equivalent of a sewer for humans.

Why? Well because all the worst characters get washed down there, and they stay there. And because there might be gators. Also because it smells like piss. Anyway, start some fires. Eventually you might just kill the suspect with one of those fires, but probably you won’t.


Suspect Darts Through Alleyways


This one is simple. Just follow the suspect as closely as you can, keeping him in sight at all times. Know that it is likely that he will run through an elderly couple’s home at some point and that you will have to follow. Have a snappy comment prepared just in case this happens. I suggest something like “Evening folks, just passing through!”

Just keep up the chase and eventually the suspect will run down a dead-end alley. He's trapped! Come around the corner and advance on him slowly with your gun drawn. He may either scurry around pounding on locked doors for an exit, or he may leap impotently at the large un-climbable rear wall of the alley. Either way, eventually he'll realize that escape is impossible and will press his back against a brick wall, eyes wide with fear.

As you advance on him, you will cast a menacing shadow onto the wall behind him. This shadow should steadily grow larger until it blocks out everything in view. Then the suspect should then proceed to raise his hands and scream horrifically. Go ahead and gun him down at this point.  

That should about wrap up this course in Private Investigation. It is possible that now you are a fully bonded and licensed PI, but I doubt this would hold up in court, so be careful.

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