Random Object Reviews

Object
By Kevin
On this page I will review random items I find sitting around the house. That's it.


2 Juggling Balls
Juggling Balls
11/25/07

These bean bags come in packages of 3 and are meant to help a person practice the art of juggling. Unfortunately I seem to have misplaced the third bean bag, thus rendering the other two useless. They also come with a book called The Art of Juggling or something like that. The book purports to be able to teach absolutely anyone how to juggle. Certainly I must take issue with this false claim. Could this book teach all of these groups how to juggle?

  • Amputees
  • Blind People (The book is not written in Braille)
  • Ferrets
  • Werebears
  • Quadriplegics
  • Fetuses
  • Old People
No. The answer to all of these is no. Therefore I am giving these juggling balls

1 Star
Star



Cinnamon Roll Pop Tarts
Pop Tarts
11/25/07

Pop Tarts are undoubtedly the most popular brand of toaster pastry. Sure, challengers like Toaster Strudel have attempted to unseat the champion, but they don’t seem capable of defeating the Pop Tart. This may have something to do with Toaster Strudel’s crust. It is far too dry and flaky to be considered pleasant to chew on. You may as well be crunching through the carapace of an African Black Beetle, in order that you might suck down the bitter organ paste within.

But this is not to say that Pop Tarts do not have their dark side. Kellogg’s, their minds intoxicated from the blind rush of power and glory that comes from sitting atop the toaster pastry empire, has recently begun to release approximately 500 billion new flavors of Pop Tart in every flavor imaginable. The flavor I chose out of all these (for some reason), was Cinnamon Roll.

Cinnamon Sucks
Booooo!

What is a cinnamon roll pop tart like? Obviously the consistency is the same as any “regular” pop tart, which means that if you swallow a little too much of it at once without anything to drink, it will become lodged in your throat and you will asphyxiate. As for the taste, it tastes like a vanilla pop tart with cinnamon in it. Huzzah.

If you would like to experience Cinnamon Roll pop tarts in the truest way, do what I did: Don’t eat anything until late afternoon. Then, eat two Cinnamon Roll pop tarts consecutively, chug mouthfuls of thick juice out of an orange juice container, have a glass of whole milk, drink some Wild Cherry Pepsi when it is offered to you, then eat a package of Runts candy you find on a shelf at work. Come on, I dare you. 

2 Stars
Star Star



Death Drug (Tape)
Death Drug Tape
11/25/07

Death Drug is a film about the dangers of PCP which features Miami Vice superstar Philip Michael Thomas. The film is a scathing indictment of PCP, and serves as a warning to those who might ingest the substance for “kicks”. According to this film, PCP users will experience many (if not all) of these shocking symptoms:

  • Hallucinating that hair brushes are alligators
  • Becoming mildly irritable
  • Sweeping papers off tables in a half-rage
  • Hallucinating that others are wearing cheap rubber Halloween masks
  • Seeing rats in grocery store produce
  • Punching or pushing at loved ones
  • Failing to become mediocre one-hit-wonder you were destined to become
  • Dashing in front of speeding semi tractor while screaming wildly
  • Dying

This film did an excellent job of engaging the viewer. I really did feel as if I were under the influence of a controlled substance while watching it. For example, I experienced a strange sort of hazy disorientation. I could not tell what was going on in the plot, why certain events were taking place, or who half the characters in the film were. It was decidedly unpleasant.

No 2 Drugs
SAY No 2 DRUGZ KIDZ

This movie was also padded out by 3 or 4 musical numbers in which the main character (a musician) performs different songs. Well, when I say he performs different songs I mean that he pretends to play the piano while a tape of a performance which doesn’t even contain a piano part plays on the soundtrack. There is also a 20 minute long music video in the middle of the movie, which is important because it reveals a lot about the protagonist (i.e. he is a musician).

Overall, I give this film
6.2 stars + 2 stars
StarStarStarStarStarStar
 + 
StarStar




Brush Attachment for Vacuum
Brush Attachment
11/25/07

Modern vacuum cleaners usually come with a few standard attachments like the crevice tool, wide stairs cleaning thing, and the brush attachment. I have chosen the brush cleaning attachment out of all these because it was the one that happened to be lying in the middle of my floor when I decided to take a picture of something. I should also note that in the photo the extension tube is also attached to the brush. I am not, however, reviewing the tube (sorry).

What use is this brush attachment? I have never known anyone to use it in my entire life. The crevice tool? Stick it in a crevice. Stair cleaning tool? Use it to clean the stairs of course! But what about the brush? I think it's supposed to be dusting attachment, but I question its effectiveness in this area. My vacuum cleaner includes this brush AND a separate self-cleaning dusting attachment. Now why, might I ask, if the amazing brush attachment is SO GREAT at dusting would they manufacture another complicated apparatus to accommodate a self-cleaning duster? The answer is clear: To willfully decieve the public.

I rest my case. Judgement for the plantiff in the amount of

0 Stars