Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 1: Werewolves

Werewolf
By Henry
Fear. Fear is the one and only thing which separates humans from beasts and inanimate objects. But what does man fear most? You guessed it: Monsters. In this series of articles we’ll travel through the human brain and learn the history of the most popular monsters in the world, hear evidence of their existence, and learn how to defeat them in combat.

Part 1 - Werewolves
Part 1.5 - Werewolf Q&A
Part 2 - Mummies
Part 3 - Vampires




Science
Science
There are man theories about how a person might become a werewolf. Some say it happens when a witch casts a spell on you. Others suggest it is what happens when you make a deal with the devil, and Russians used to think that if you were born on the 24th of December you would become a werewolf. This last theory is interesting. It really makes you think: What if the little baby Jesus had been born before midnight on the 24th? It sends a chill up your spine to imagine the gruesome turn many classic bible stories would have taken if this was the case.

But frankly all these theories are old wives tales and nonsense. The only real way a person becomes a werewolf is by being bitten by one. Here’s a classic scenario:
  1. A grizzled loner is walking through a thick forest looking for a woman to brutalize or robbing a deserted warehouse at night

  2. Werewolf jumps out from behind a shrub and bites them on the face or genitals and then flees (werewolves are cowards)

    Warwilf

  3. Affected person rubs the itchy wound while saying “yowch” and seeks medical attention

  4. Doctors find nothing wrong with the person but suggest they stay overnight for observation

  5. Person morphs into a werewolf and runs around the hospital dressed in a backless gown, biting and punching other patients until it grows hungry and attempts to purchase something from one of those vending machines with a keypad

  6. Werewolf accidentally punches the incorrect number, therefore purchasing a small $1.25 carton of 2% milk instead of the item it intended to buy, a piece of coffee cake

    Cake

  7. Enraged, the werewolf fills out one of those ‘lost money’ envelopes hanging on the machine, writing “the dumb machine stole my money and I didnt get nothing”

  8. Police arrive and gun the werewolf down


Evidence
Evidence
Uh…
Heh.
I did a few hours of research on forums and found a few werewolf encounter stories. Here’s a compilation of the evidence:

  • Some hick saw a human shape while riding on his 4-wheeler and heard it bark
  • There was a kid who heard strange noises in the woods once
  • A guy saw a big dog and when he drove closer on his motorcycle the dog ran away
  • A regular wolf ran through traffic during rush hour
  • Yeeeee-hawww! *kapow* *kapow* (sound of a rifle being fired into the air)

Teenwolf

As you can see, the evidence is overwhelming. It’s interesting that it seems only lonely, uneducated, mountain trash men see werewolves. Maybe these wolves feel a kinship with other creatures with poor grooming habits and few social graces.


Pop Culture
Pupcult
For every “good” werewolf film that is released, there are an infinite number of terrible ones. Another way to put this is to say that there has only been one werewolf film in the history of movies that wasn’t a complete piece of crap. I can’t remember the name, but I think it was made in the 40s. The point is that werewolves have fallen on hard times lately. They sit on the lowest rung of the movie monster ladder, only appearing in slimy softcore European nearporn like Underworld.

Underworld
Eurotrash.


Destruction
Destruct
To destroy a werewolf is no easy task. Oh wait, actually it is. Just shoot the stupid thing with a silver bullet. How’s that for dull? Maybe I could make it more interesting. Here are some more sure-fire ways to kill a werewolf.

Idea 1: If you know a werewolf who has just recently broken up with a significant otherwolf, offer to make it feel better by treating it to a night on the town. Get it all liquored up and then go back to your place. Say, I have to go out for a while, but you entertain yourself. Leave the book A Farewell to Arms on the coffee table, and have Requiem for a Dream in the DVD player. Having nothing else to do, that wolf will read that book, watch that movie, and fall into an existential despair. With the loaded pistol you’ve left on the kitchen counter, he doesn’t stand a chance.

Idea 2: Bring a werewolf to the roof of a lighthouse and while looking out over the edge next to the extremely rusty and rickety old railing, say “Wow, would you look at that; amazing!” When the werewolf looks puzzled, step back from the railing and gesture for him to go have a look. He will lean out over the edge, causing the railing to groan in protest because it is nearly at its breaking point. The werewolf will give a muffled snort, signifying he doesn’t see anything. Say “lean out juuuust a little more, you’ll see it.” He will, and when he does, run back into the lighthouse and lock the door. He probably won’t be able to figure out how to get down from there.

Lighthouse

Idea 3: Throw a stick onto the freeway and the werewolf will run out to get it. Hopefully it will get hit by a car.

Idea 4: Make a delicious cheeseburger with extremely greasy meat. Leave it on your table with a sparkling beverage and some French fried potatoes. Say to the werewolf who is sitting on your couch “Now don’t you eat this, it’s mine. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go upstairs and organize my beanie baby collection.” Certainly the werewolf can’t resist a tasty meal and it will scarf down the cheeseburger right after you leave, increasing its risk of obesity, heart disease, and certain types of cancer because of the high fat content. It is likely if the werewolf keeps up this type of lifestyle, it will probably die in 20-40 years.

Werewilf



What's coming up next in the guide to monsters? Mummies of course.