Some Kid Talks About Monkey Butlers

Painting

OK, so you take a bunch of monkeys and you train them to be butlers for people. It’s pretty simple. The monkeys can do anything you want them to. They can bring you food, serve you a delicious frothy mug of ale, and even clean the kitchen if you want them to. Yes, they could even be your chauffer. All you would have to do is clap your hands twice and say: “ho, ho, ho, monkey, take me to white castle!” and the monkey would tip his cap to you and drive you there. Don’t try to give me that line that monkeys can’t understand English either. The following story I found on an internet forum proves that they can:




A guy who was walking at the zoo and yelled obscene words at a monkey who was lounging around in a cage. The monkey got very angry. It screamed and run all around the cage, and finally bent the bars and come out and bite the man. I read also that it threw a banana at a zookeeper. The monkey was at that time then killed. That monkey sounds like trouble to me.
 
angry
WARNING: This is probably the monkey who did those crimes.

 

Monkey Names

belvedereNext is the part of the plan that took the most thought: What can you name the monkeys? As everyone knows, if you have a butler, he had better have a cool name like Jeeves, Jiles, or Mr. Belvedere. But nobody wants to go around calling their monkey butler Jeeves, because I think that just about every butler you know is named Jeeves. Not very creative.

Anyway, I thought that I had better figure out some cool monkey butler names so the people who get them can use their names when they scold them. Here are some that I came up with: Apington, Chimpsie, and Orangotangia. That's all I could think of. If you think you've got any better names for a monkey butler: Keep it to yourself. I don't want to hear about it.
 

Training

This section was originally about how I would train the monkeys, but this information has been moved to the Monkey Butler Q&A section.


Jobs

Working Monkey This part is going to be about the monkeys and what exactly they can do. They can obviously do easy things like going and getting you a drink (as long as it isn’t open, otherwise they might spill it) or picking up toys in the living room if you have children who create a mess with toys. I would make sure those kids aren't around when the monkey is cleaning up though, because it might throw some of the sharper toys and hurt one of those childs.

Oh, also I bet a monkey could sit at the front door during a party and take people’s coats and hang them up. He might just take the coats and tear them apart or chew on them though. That probably wouldn’t please your guests unless they are nudists, and nudists and monkeys don't mix (what with a monkeys tendancy to violently maul exposed genitals and all).

Also, I hear monkeys can climb really well, so that would be a great help with chores. They could wash your windows or even get some cobwebs off of your ceiling fan if you get a high enough ladder for him. It would probably be a lot like that movie Dunston Checks In. I never actually saw it, but I think there was a monkey in it who cleaned things up. I at least know he worked in a hotel. Maybe he just did baggage or whatever they call it.


Driving Monkeys

limoMonkeys would make great chauffeurs. There are a few problems with this though. First, who would train a monkey to drive? Not me, that's for sure. I don't know anyone who would get in a car with an inexperienced monkey behind the wheel, that's  certain death. Also: I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to have an animal driving you around town (yes, even if he’s your butler, I checked). What you would probably have to do is to dress the monkey up like a person. Put a hat on him, some sunglasses, and maybe some sort of driving gloves (just for style).

That way, if a passing cop ever looked inside the car and saw the monkey, he would stroke his chin and say: “Hmm, why that’s just a regular old joe driving around in a limousine!” and continue down the street none the wiser. Just make sure you don’t let the monkey run into other cars or drive real fast. The costume wouldn't hold up well during an accident investigation, especially when the police officer asks the monkey for identification and it just bares it's teeth and screeches at him.

But on the flip side, if your monkey is properly trained, most people will remark to you about how good your driver is. Then you can flash a knowing smile, nod and say “Yes that’s right... he is a good driver isn’t he…” You'll be laughing all the way to the bank.



Cost

attack Speaking of the bank, some people might be wondering how much a monkey butler will cost. You also might be wondering if you can really put a price on a living creature. The answer to this is yes. Yes you most certainly can. And you can be sure it'll be a high price too. I'm not running some monkey butler charity here, this is a business.

Just think of the cost of me feeding all those monkeys. Unless I feed them ramen noodles I’ll be broke within a week! I’m even not sure if monkeys like ramen noodles anyway. I thought I once heard monkeys will eat anything, even tin cans, but come to think of it I might be confusing them with goats. But it doesn't even matter. Frankly, even if they did like ramen noodles, I wouldn’t buy them. I don’t approve of the lifestyle those noodles promote.

 

Conclusion

Monkey butlers are a sound business idea. Everyone'll buy one. I imagine it will be a fad along the lines of pogs. I'm sure you remember those (but if you don't, SEE HERE). But yeah, monkey butlers would be so cool, that even people at fancy parties would ask: “By the by, do you happen to have one of those delightful monkey butlers?” and if the person they were talking to said no, I bet they would be shunned. That's it.