Worthless Guide to a Life Of Crime

Crime
Have you ever wanted to quit your job, leave your family behind, and take up a life of crime? I know I haven’t, but that’s only because I’ve got a lovely girlish face and am deathly afraid of the attention I would no doubt receive if incarcerated. But few people are as cowardly as me, so I’m sure many of you have fantasized about performing a spectacular bank robbery or thumping a kindly old woman over the head for kicks. It’s only human I suppose. And so: Here's a little ditty for those of you considering a life if crime.



I. To Join A Band of Roaming Thugs



Oh Warriors


Getting Started

One of the simplest ways of getting into the crime racket is by roaming the countryside with several other like-minded individuals. You might try to form your own gang of thugs (if you know the right sorts of people) but usually it’s best to find an active gang and attempt to join with them. Of course no self-respecting gang is going to let just anybody in, so you’ll need to gain their trust and respect first. Here are a few pointers:


Be yourself. Nobody likes a phony.

Be assertive. It’s no use following a gang around looking sad and hoping they’ll ask you to join. Get out there and show them what you can offer! Perhaps you could stage a knife fight in front of them. Find a beggar who’s willing to take several deep stab wounds to the stomach from you in exchange for a hot meal, and you're golden.

Wino

Be dynamic. Thugs are easily impressed by rhetorical speeches they can just barely comprehend. When you speak, speak in broad sweeping generalizations about “them” and “you”. Speak in bold, bright tones, using plenty of lip and tongue action. Widen your eyes while pacing vigorously back and forth and thrusting your fist into the air. Also consider punctuating each sentence with a racial epithet or a vague statement which unintentionally simmers with barely-repressed homoeroticism.

Norton Power


Activities

Wreaking Havoc in “Family Friendly” Locales. What specifically is done will be limited to your gang’s personal level of commitment to chaos, but the bottom line is to try and “freak out” the “straight arrows”. I’ve worked up a fun chart to help you out with some ideas.


Gang Rank Actions
Level 1: Bored Misanthropes 
  • Shouting indistinct vulgarities at women from moving vehicle
  • Cutting in line at waterpark
  •  Talking loudly in department store
Level 2: Southern “Good Ol Boys” 
  •  “Hootin’ & a Hollerin” at motorists from truck bed
  • Deliberately upsetting display of cans in store; refusing to help clean up
  •  Spitting derisively on sidewalk with arms hitched in overalls
Level 3: Sullen Bikers
  •  Surrounding sedan on highway; whipping at it with chains while snarling
  •  Renting videos under false name with no intention of returning them
  •  Tying chain to mailbox, gleefully dragging it behind bike down street
Level 4: Soccer Hooligans
  • Hefting large chunks of concrete off overpass
  • Pinging street vendors across face with metal bat
  • Throwing cans of CS gas back at police, face swathed in bandanna
Level 5: Wild Anarchists
  • Stomping frightened bystanders
  • Spinning Molotov cocktails across ground into shop entrances
  • Placing stolen car on railroad track in attempt to derail train
  • Throwing empty plastic bottle into garbage even though recycling receptacle was right next to it

            


II. To Become A Wild-Eyed Psychopath



Eyes Psycho


Getting Started

This field is certainly not for everyone. Before you begin down this path, ask yourself a few basic questions:

  1. Do I possess utter contempt for humanity?

  2. Have I ever viciously strangled the life from a small animal in a futile attempt to satiate my bloodlust?

  3. Am I charismatic?

    Charismatic

  4. Do I have a steady source of income? (for example, you might be the kingpin of a successful drug empire, or the son of a wealthy diplomat)  

  5. Is there a history of mental illness in my family?

    Mental

  6. How do I feel about being tied to a chair and pummeled by a police officer or masked vigilante?

  7. What would Jesus do? (Hint: Not Crime.)

    Jesus Chess


  8. Did your abusive alcoholic father die before you came of age, thus frustratingly denying you the chance to seek coldhearted revenge against him for all the pain he has caused you?

If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, then this is probably the career choice for you. If not, never fear: There are plenty of other jobs that would suit you just fine. How about a banker? A caricaturist? Or maybe even a park ranger. The possibilities in life are limited only by your imagination (oh, and your race).


Activities

Regardless of what you may have seen in films, the life of a psychopath is not all glitz and glamour. Behind every seemingly chaotic sextuple homicide/bank robbery/arson/kidnapping, there are days of careful planning, countless meetings, and lots of spreadsheet analysis. Also you should be sure you’re prepared both mentally and physically to do the following sorts of things:

  1. Potentially endangering the lives of small children and the elderly in order to prove a fairly obvious point about the selfishness of man.

    Baby Grandma

  2. Sitting in a darkened room for hours waiting for someone to walk through the door so you can give a speech you’ve prepared

  3. Hanging out the window of speeding car and reveling in slow motion as ominous music drones in the background



    Joker Window

  4. Improvising cheesy retorts and catchphrases. Like, as you are lowering a victim into a large cauldron of boiling soup, you might lick your lips and say something like “Before you have your soup tonight, perhaps you’d like to hear our specials?!” The victim would reply with, “The only special I’m interested in is your head on a platter!” So your job would be thinking of something to say back to that.



That’s enough criminals for now. Don’t cry. I’m certain there’ll be a few more articles coming up in this series any time now. Just you wait and see what your dear old dad has in store for you.

I have created a record of your adventures up to this point. You like to work hard, just like your mother. But I don’t think it’s good to work too hard.

Well you should probably turn the power off instead of just pressing reset. Good night, son.

Click! Beep-beep-beep…

Ebnd