Tourists Guide to Georgia - Jesus Gas

The American South has changed a great deal in recent years. What was
once described by Harry S. Truman as "a festering pocket of
indescribable filth and stroke-inducing poverty" is now home to a
number of modern amenities, including schools, utility poles, and yes,
even paved roads. But don't be fooled into thinking that the south has
lost it's charm and spunk, as this is most certainly not the case.
Those who crave dixie-flavored excitement and adventure need look no
further than the great state of Georgia. With its year-round county
fairs, dump truck rallies, and whites-only church picnics, Georgia has
become a beacon of hope to tourists hoping to score some down-home
goodness at a reasonable price.
So read on to learn about some of the wonderful destinations and
activities the great state of Georgia has to offer. And if, by the end
of this article you're still convinced that Georgia is "just another
rivulet of the crusty semen stain on the pant leg of America known as
The South", I'll eat my hat. And that's a true confederate promise.


Tourists Guide to Georgia - Folk Pottery

Folk Pottery is one of the latest adherents to the principle of
Folkery. For those who are unaware, Folkery is the process of making
everyday concepts substantially duller and significantly more
off-putting by adding the word "folk" in front of them. See also: Folk
Rock, Folk Art, Folk Festivals, Folk Dance, etc.) Why this is done I do
not know, but I assume it has something to do with marketing. In any
case, those of you who haven't slipped into a boredom-induced coma at
the mere mention of Folk Pottery are probably waiting for me to explain
exactly what Folk Pottery is. I'm not sure I can, but I'll give it a
According to the Folk Pottery Museum's DRAB, YET SURPRISINGLY
, Folk Pottery is "one of the South’s
premier grassroots art forms [which] explores the historical importance
and changing role of folk pottery in southern life." As I see it, there
are two problems with this description.

  1. The term "grassroots" was used. This term should never be
    employed under any circumstances, as the level of meaninglessness it
    has achieved due to misuse and overuse (whether by braindead
    faux-hippies or large megacorporations) borders on the obscene.
  2. Seriously, they fucking said "grassroots" without a hint of
    irony. Jesus! Absolutely unbelievable.

Aside from this, the only other conclusion I can draw about Folk
Pottery is that it is exactly the same as regular pottery, aside from
the name. The distinction between "pottery" and "folk pottery" is a lot
unlike the distinction between "a crude image of Jesus with a vagina
some dude with a braided beard just scrawled onto a canvas using his
own feces" and "Modern Art". For example, I cannot imagine a scenario
in which a struggling local farmer would attempt to enter his
puzzlingly proportioned dead rooster sculpture into a Folk Pottery
competition, only to have it rejected by the judges on the grounds that
"shit wasn't folk enough". Which is to say: Pottery is considered Folk
Pottery if you call it Folk Pottery.
So yeah, Georgia has a Folk Pottery Museum. It costs Five Dollars.
Don't everybody get up at once now.



Tourists Guide to Georgia - Fernbank Museum

Usually I prefer to describe the various tourist destinations myself,
but in the case of the Fernbank Museum of Natural History, I believe
I'll defer to the 1st Protestant Church of Georgia for an unbiased
overview. It isn't often in these modern times that an embattled
minority like Christianity has it's say (less than 80% of the united
states identifies as Christian!) so I feel like I should give the
outnumbered downtrodden a chance to say their piece for once. So here's
their take:

Unproven theories about science's version of the past come
alive at
Fernbank Museum of Natural History. Explore cultural treasures and
fossils (we have both kinds, non-ancient fossils, and fake fossils
created in heathen laboratories by our godless & socialistic
oppressors), experience the thrill of a film in the IMAX® Theatre (one
of many technologies bestowed upon humanity by Jesus Christ, our
Caucasian lord and savior), and marvel incredulously at the largest
"dinosaurs" ever discovered, although they were obviously dated
improperly using inaccurate and heathenistic carbon dating techniques,
so keep that in mind.
Fernbank Museum isn’t just another museum—it’s a journey to another
time and place which a large percentage of the population of Georgia
refuses to believe ever even existed, regardless of the staggering
scientific evidence to the contrary! With distinctive special
exhibitions, there’s always something NEW to discover and stubbornly
refute due to ignorance and closed-mindedness!
So come on down to the Fernbank Museum and learn some good old
fashioned science! So long as it doesn't conflict with the absurd
belief system which we were arbitrarily indoctrinated into at birth and
have since refused to examine in the slightest, we here in the state of
Georgia are somewhat OK with it!


Tourists Guide to Georgia - Atlanta Motor Speedway

I'm sure you expected this section to be nothing but a series of
clichéd insults poking fun at the culture of NASCAR and the
stereotypical image of a gap-toothed, Chevy-driving, beer-swilling,
racist, uneducated southerner, but let me assure you: This is not gonna
be the case. Instead, I'll defy expectations by using this space to
commemorate the life of one of NASCAR's most beloved fallen heroes by
posting this reverent and respectful image:

Tourists Guide to Georgia - NASCAR REMEMBRANCE

We miss you Dave!


Tourists Guide to Georgia - Inside CNN Tour

The studio offers a 55-Minute (Is that all?!) walking tour of the
television network that brings you 24 straight hours (a neverending
steam!) of drab middle age men and women in pancake makeup soberly
describing desperately important events which you've already
across and ignored 100 times in the past week while casually browsing
the internet.
While this tour sounds absolutely fascinating (and a steal at only
$12/Person), even to someone like me who doesn't normally watch CNN. I
tend to stick watch my local news networks, as CNN doesn't often cover
the many drug-related homicides, petty thefts, and ethnically motivated
beating which take place in my city on a day-to-day basis.

But the CNN god I can see
it now: The news desk glistening with morning dew. The light rustle of
papers detailing various affiliate concerns. The flicker of the
teleprompter as it scrolls past an overview of the slight change the
central bank made in the language it used to describe a policy on the
outlook of interest rates. And the smell...that intoxicating mixture of
cheap cologne, floor wax,  worn carpeting, dry-cleaned suits,
bitter coffee, and unacknowledged despair which envelops all things. It
is the smell of the press. It is the smell of the news.
It is the smell of freedom.


Tourists Guide to Georgia - Jesus Shit

To round out this look at Georgian Tourism, I've compiled this overview
of a number of smoking hot can't-miss destinations which you are
required (under penalty of sodomy) to visit when taking a vacation in

Tallulah Wildflower Hike (Earth Day Event)

A taciturn park ranger will lead you to some of what he considered the
most beautiful wild flowers of Tallulah Gorge. He will point to each
flower and after allowing 5-8 seconds of thoughtful reflection before
continuing on at a brisk pace to the abutting region. The flowers are
not to be touched, and note-taking and photographs are also prohibited.
The fee for this service is $5 plus an additional $5 for parking.

Diana: A Celebration

Tourists Guide to Georgia - DiannaIn case you didn't know it, Princess Diana was an
treasure. She was a princess. Her life was tragic on account of she
died at the end of it. She died young. So young! I'm going to go to
this exhibit and pay my respects. I hear they have her old wedding gown
there (from her wedding). I wonder if they allow you weep into it,
because I'm still sad she's gone. Why couldn't someone less famous have
died? It's so unfair! She had a diamond tiara and everything. IIt makes
me want to drown my children and
overdose on endocet. But I won't. I won't do it because I know she's
watching me from up in white people heaven. Lady Di would never approve
of such
behavior! I'll be good and hopefully I'll meet her some day in the
Lord's Kingdom and we'll be best pals. We still miss you M'Lady! Kisses
and hugs! XXXXOOXXO!

Chipmunk Tours at The Old Capital Museum

Now being hosted by the Old Capital Museum and the
Brown-Stetson-Sanford House are "Chipmunk Tours" for 4-8 year olds. The
second Thursday of each month at 2:00 AM (The Witchin' Hour) the
manacled ghost of Ollie, the Old Capitol Chipmunk, welcomes young
visitors to the museum! In between long draws from his hip flask, Ollie
will regale the tiny tots with gruesome tales of the tragic
bestiality-related disembowelings, child prostitution rings, and other
instances of gross sexual misconduct which are rumored to have taken
place at the Brown-Stetson-Sanford House throughout the years.
Admission is $4 for adults, and $3.50 for kids and seniors.

Wine Tasting

Georgia has many wine-based events which cater to all styles of
wine-tasting aficionados. From amateur bandwagon-jumping phonies to
obsessive shitbags who've managed to achieve unfathomable levels of
pretentiousness & self-delusion when it comes to the recreational
consumption of alcoholic beverages, we've got a little something for
everyone who enjoys wine on a much deeper level than the boxed-wine
swilling plebs in the unwashed throng.


Tourists Guide to Georgia - Shirtless Redneck

A great man once said: “For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to
see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every
love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.” You might wonder what
this has to do with Georgia, and indeed, it would likely be difficult
to find a quote that had LESS to do with Georgia, as this one is from
some Russian mathematician who in all likelihood never even knew or
cared that Georgia existed.
I probably shouldn't have included it in this article, but I did it
anyway. I guess it just goes to show that you can't trust anybody.
Thank you and goodnight.