Idiots! Stop Wasting Your Money On Homeopathy!

HomeopathyOh my god. What is wrong with you people? Why on earth are you purchasing all those homeopathic remedies? Stop wasting your money on homeopathy! It’s really starting to get on my nerves!

 
Hey! I saw you sneaking those homeopathic remedies in next to the real pills; don't think I didn’t notice that! That doesn’t BELONG there. That isn’t MEDICINE. Get rid of it! Put it in the zen health food store, or the yoga foundry, or the new-age bakery, or wherever it is you people go these days. Maybe Whole foods. Yeah. Take that shit out behind a Whole Foods and dump it. I want the alley behind that store to look like the Salvation Army! And the next time I'm in a pharmacy I had better not see anymore bottles of Zicam next to the NasalCrom. If I do, I’m going to go ape. I mean it. I will tear that store apart. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an article about homeopathy to write poorly.

Homeopathy Defined

According to the The National Center for Homeopathy, the definition of Homeopathy is as follows:
 
OOH, look at us! We do homeopathy! We believe in Maaaa-gic! Blah-blah blah blah, it's all because of the law of similars, woo woo woo, disease is manifestations of evil spirits, dee dee dee, ...it's been around for two hundred years! Doot-de-doot-de-doo, utilize your gag reflex, la-de-da-de-da, it's a complex system of medicine, a-rooty-toot-toot: Fuuuuck Me.
 
Signed,
A Bunch of Homeopaths

So there you have it, the definition of homeopathy. Goodnight.

Hey..Wait a Minute, That Was Just Nonsense That Didn't Explain Anything!

Bullshit, That's What!Alright, alright, I guess you're right. I'm sorry. Here is a mathematical proof which I found on the website for The Center For Homeopathic Advancement showing that homeopathy is true. That should make things more clear.
 
1. Diseases are bad ghosts that hurt people because they are mean.
2. Medicine sort of works to kill the ghosts, but it isn't good for you to take medicine (harms your body).
3. Science Fact: If you use less of something it always works much better.
4. So: You use much less medicine and the ghosts will be killed even faster (and the medicine won't hurt you).
5. This is how homeopathy works! You dilute a substance thousands of times until it dissapears, then drink it for a cure. You can't go wrong!
 

Real World Example

Here's a scenario demonstrating how homeopathy helps a cancer patient when modern medicine fails.
 
PATIENT: Arg! My leg has cancer in it and it hurts!

DOCTOR: Here miss, have some of this cancer pills!

*Patient took the pills*

PATIENT: The cancer didn't go away and now my stomach hurts and my hair come out YOU IDIOT, DOCTOR.

HOMEOPATHER (coming in the room): Never fear homopathy is here! Medicine is for losers homeopath is for the winners now take this 30C dilution of Robin Egg and birch plants!

DOCTOR: Whats all this nonsense.

PATIENT: Sounds good like nature! Yump! (takes the homeopills). Ooooh!!! I can feel the health inside me, growing...

CANCER GHOST (flying out of patient): Aeeeiiiiiii! Noooooo!

HOMEOPATHER: Take that you stupid ghost.

Doctor: Who even knew that could happen.

Patient: Homeopathy is the greatest.

Zicam: Homeopathic Wonder!

Bottles CrapOne of the most popular homeopathic remedies is called Zicam. The idea behind it is fairly simple, IN THEORY. The "company" who "manufacters" Zicam puts some "zinc" in a nose dropper thing, and people snort it when they "feel like they might get a cold", and the zinc "cures" the "cold" before it "starts". Or, if you take it after your cold has already started, it "shortens the duration" of it (the "cold" that is).
 
Ookkkay, interesting theory I suppose, except that YOU CANT PREDICT WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET A COLD. I've seen a lot of people who use Zicam claiming that they can recognize cetain "telltale symptoms" or "warning signs" which come the day before they get a cold. These include things like: "a strange feeling in the back of my throat", "I felt funny and knew a cold was coming on", "I have a sore throat because something huge got shoved down there".
 
So they recognize these symptoms, conclude that they must be coming down with a cold, and take some Zicam. Wouldn't you know it, the next morning they wake up and sometimes they don't have a cold. Sure, sometimes they DO, but then they can just claim it was less severe than it would've been if they wouldn't have taken any Zicam.
 
Except HOW THE HELL DO YOU EVEN KNOW YOU WERE GETTING A COLD IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU IDIOTS. Sometimes I get a sore throat at night and think "uh-oh I might be coming down with a cold" so I drink some water, sit at the computer watching episodes of Kung-Fu: The Legend Continues for a few hours, and then go to sleep. And hmm...sometimes I wake up the next morning without a cold, and sometimes I don't. So THIS JUST IN: Kung-Fu: The Legend Continues is just as effective as Zicam at curing colds! Jesus christ. How dumb can people get.

And Last But Not Least...

Zicam Also Causes You To Lose Your Sense of Smell

Whoops! Heh, sorry about that guys! At least you probably might not have gotten a cold you may or may not originally have gotten in the first place, right?

Snorty McSnorterson