By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
never built your own personal computer (or PC as they're known in the
biz) you're missing out on a world of excitement, adventure, and
sensualness unlike anything you have known. And ladies, if you haven't
dated a man who has built his own computer, you're missing out (just
ask my big and beautiful girlfriend Tina)! So you can keep your sex
parties, drinking & driving parties, and make-out parties...we real
men will taking off our shirts together, setting our processors to the
max, and cranking the RAM to 100! Non stop!
So oil up your sockets, wrap your fingers around those meaty pipes, and
let's get hog wild by building our own PCs!
STEP 1: BUYING KILLER PARTS
As it says in the bible: "The first journey begins with the first
step." This is especially true when building your own PC, because if
you skip step 1, you'll have no parts to build with! All joking aside,
purchasing the right components for your computer is extremely
important, so be sure to scope out all your options beforehand. I would
suggest starting at garage sales or thrift stores nearby, and then
moving on to specialty electronics retailers like Best Buy and Circuit
City (now out of business) afterwards.
Here's a list of all the part's you'll need:
- Flat Head Screwdriver
- Computer Processor
- Hard Drive
- Memory RAM Sticks (at least 3)
- Gaming Mouse
- Screws (10 or more)
- Floppy Disk Drive
- Nail File
- Video Card
And that's it! All-in-all, buying this stuff shouldn't cost you more
than 200 boners (building a PC is a great way to save money), but I DO
suggest printing this list out and bringing it with you when you
purchase your components so you don't forget anything.
Also, there's really no need to be overly fussy when buying your
components. Nowaday, pretty much all computer parts are
interchangeable, so you shouldn't have any problem with incompatables.
Just work on finding the best value!
Make sure to protect yourself though. Before you buy any PC part, open
it in the store and it inspect each piece for damage. If any of the
components have dust, white liquid, or loose electronic chips on them,
this is a surefire sign of wear-and-tear. You should ask the store to
ship these parts back to the manufacturer immediately for a full
refund. In extreme cases, you might also consider filing a complaint
with the BBB or FCC.
STEP 2: SNAP IN THE PROCESSOR!
Once you've got all your parts home safely, spread everything out on
the carpet and roll up your sleeves, cause it's party time! Take the
screws off your case and open it. Inside you should see the
motherboard, which should look a little something like this:
Screw the CPU (another word for processor) into the motherboard and
close the coverlatch to secure it into place. NOTES: If you are
having trouble getting the CPU into the slot, don't be afraid to apply
a hard, steady pressure to it until it snaps in. Some of these chips
can be a bit feisty, but don't be afraid to use your muscles! It will
look like this when done properly:
After you've secured the CPU in it's hidey-hole, put some thermal glue
onto the top of it and secure the fan. Don't forget this step, as the
fan cools the processor and keeps it from melting inside the PC.
Without a fan, some processors can get as hot as 90 degrees! If your
processor didn't come with a fan, consider gluing a smallish case fan
to it instead. This is only a temporary fix though, you will need to
purchase a real fan eventually.
STEP 3: SLIDE IN THE MEMORIES!
If you want a fast PC (and who doesn't) and want to be able to run the
latest and greatest games, adding RAM-based memory to your motherboard
is a good idea. Here's a pic of some high-end RAMs:
Notice the heatsyncs (metal coverings). These are essential to keep the
RAMs functioning at cool temperatures. Don't buy RAMs without heatsyncs
or you'll pay the price. Installing these baby beauties is easy as pie.
Just fit them in the slot and close the latches on each side. Speeding
up your computer has never been easier.
STEP 4: CONNECT UP THE HARDDRIVE!
The hard drive could be described as the back bone of your PC. Without
it, you'd hardly have any space for programs or games. So let's get it
installed! Slide your harddrive into any open slot on the case. Then
connect it to the motherboard using a cable connector (the cables
should come with the hard drive or case). Here's a photo I took of a
properly connected harddrive to help you out:
After connecting the drive, flip the power switch on for a moment to
make sure the lights on the harddrive light up. If they don't, you may
have hooked it up incorrectly. Leaving it this way can cause dropped
packets and excess fragmentation down the line, so you should unscrew
it and try again. Practice makes perfect.
STEP 5: INSTALL THE VIDEO CARD!
Silly rabbit! How did you expect to get in some red-hot gaming without
a video card in your PC!? Quickly now, take the video card out of it's
packaging and latch it onto the mortarboard. Sometimes the slot can be
a bit tricky to find so here's a photo of it:
Once the card is as secure as a baby in a sexy bonnet, go ahead and
hook a power cable or two up to it. If you can't find the proper slot,
consult the instruction manual for reference.
SIDE NOTE: You might also wish to consider doing a custom mod of
your videocard to ensure you get top gaming speed. Similar to
processors, videocard manufacturers just love to "downgrade" their
cards and sell them at a lower cost. Rascals! Luckily, with the right
know-how you can re-modify these cards to work at top speeds again
(sometimes even doubling or tripling the speed). This is shockingly
easy to do and even a baby could do it. For most cards, all you need to
do is remove the stock heatsync (which is what they use to inhibit the
cards performance). Leave the thermal glue in place and discard the
See in this photo for details on what a properly modded card will look
Without the large portions of plastic, metal, and a fan drawing so much
power from the card, you'll increase your speeds a heck of a lot. Just
remember that doing this may void the warranty of the card some cases
(it's rare, but it can happen).
STEP 6: EVERYTHING ELSE!
Now that all the heavy lifting is done, it's time to connect all the
other parts. I'll run though this as quickly as possible, as I'm sure
by now you're ready to just get the blarmey thing up and running!
A. Turn the computer on
B. Plug in your Speakers
C. Hook up the monitor to the back of the case
D. Plug in the mouse and keyboard
E. Plug the computer into the wall.
F. Install the floppy disc drive
G. Clean up the cables and hook up fans
H. Shut the PC down
I. Restart it and install Windows
More beautiful than any woman could ever be!
STEP 7: START GAMING!
Congratulation! You are now officially a PC building expert. No longer
will you be left out of the loop when your friends discuss video
effects cards and soundboards: Just jump right in! No longer will you
have to stand idly by when that red-haired guy in class brags about his
weakling custom build-rig: Set him straight! You've built your own
computer and you should be goshed derned proud of it!
Now the only thing left to do is play some games with your lan-network
buddies (and maybe impress some cutie tech support gals)! Score some
points for me, and be sure and tell 'em The Baron sent ya!