By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
If you've never built your own personal computer (or PC as they're known in the biz) you're missing out on a world of excitement, adventure, and sensualness unlike anything you have known. And ladies, if you haven't dated a man who has built his own computer, you're missing out (just ask my big and beautiful girlfriend Tina)! So you can keep your sex parties, drinking & driving parties, and make-out parties...we real men will taking off our shirts together, setting our processors to the max, and cranking the RAM to 100! Non stop!
So oil up your sockets, wrap your fingers around those meaty pipes, and let's get hog wild by building our own PCs!
STEP 1: BUYING KILLER PARTSAs it says in the bible: "The first journey begins with the first step." This is especially true when building your own PC, because if you skip step 1, you'll have no parts to build with! All joking aside, purchasing the right components for your computer is extremely important, so be sure to scope out all your options beforehand. I would suggest starting at garage sales or thrift stores nearby, and then moving on to specialty electronics retailers like Best Buy and Circuit City (now out of business) afterwards.
Here's a list of all the part's you'll need:
- Flat Head Screwdriver
- Computer Processor
- Hard Drive
- Memory RAM Sticks (at least 3)
- Gaming Mouse
- Screws (10 or more)
- Floppy Disk Drive
- Nail File
- Video Card
And that's it! All-in-all, buying this stuff shouldn't cost you more than 200 boners (building a PC is a great way to save money), but I DO suggest printing this list out and bringing it with you when you purchase your components so you don't forget anything.
Also, there's really no need to be overly fussy when buying your components. Nowaday, pretty much all computer parts are interchangeable, so you shouldn't have any problem with incompatables. Just work on finding the best value!
Check out this glory hole!
Make sure to protect yourself though. Before you buy any PC part, open it in the store and it inspect each piece for damage. If any of the components have dust, white liquid, or loose electronic chips on them, this is a surefire sign of wear-and-tear. You should ask the store to ship these parts back to the manufacturer immediately for a full refund. In extreme cases, you might also consider filing a complaint with the BBB or FCC.
STEP 2: SNAP IN THE PROCESSOR!Once you've got all your parts home safely, spread everything out on the carpet and roll up your sleeves, cause it's party time! Take the screws off your case and open it. Inside you should see the motherboard, which should look a little something like this:
Screw the CPU (another word for processor) into the motherboard and close the coverlatch to secure it into place. NOTES: If you are having trouble getting the CPU into the slot, don't be afraid to apply a hard, steady pressure to it until it snaps in. Some of these chips can be a bit feisty, but don't be afraid to use your muscles! It will look like this when done properly:
After you've secured the CPU in it's hidey-hole, put some thermal glue onto the top of it and secure the fan. Don't forget this step, as the fan cools the processor and keeps it from melting inside the PC. Without a fan, some processors can get as hot as 90 degrees! If your processor didn't come with a fan, consider gluing a smallish case fan to it instead. This is only a temporary fix though, you will need to purchase a real fan eventually.
STEP 3: SLIDE IN THE MEMORIES!If you want a fast PC (and who doesn't) and want to be able to run the latest and greatest games, adding RAM-based memory to your motherboard is a good idea. Here's a pic of some high-end RAMs:
Notice the heatsyncs (metal coverings). These are essential to keep the RAMs functioning at cool temperatures. Don't buy RAMs without heatsyncs or you'll pay the price. Installing these baby beauties is easy as pie. Just fit them in the slot and close the latches on each side. Speeding up your computer has never been easier.
STEP 4: CONNECT UP THE HARDDRIVE!The hard drive could be described as the back bone of your PC. Without it, you'd hardly have any space for programs or games. So let's get it installed! Slide your harddrive into any open slot on the case. Then connect it to the motherboard using a cable connector (the cables should come with the hard drive or case). Here's a photo I took of a properly connected harddrive to help you out:
Figure 1: Connect the Cables
After connecting the drive, flip the power switch on for a moment to make sure the lights on the harddrive light up. If they don't, you may have hooked it up incorrectly. Leaving it this way can cause dropped packets and excess fragmentation down the line, so you should unscrew it and try again. Practice makes perfect.
STEP 5: INSTALL THE VIDEO CARD!Silly rabbit! How did you expect to get in some red-hot gaming without a video card in your PC!? Quickly now, take the video card out of it's packaging and latch it onto the mortarboard. Sometimes the slot can be a bit tricky to find so here's a photo of it:
Once the card is as secure as a baby in a sexy bonnet, go ahead and hook a power cable or two up to it. If you can't find the proper slot, consult the instruction manual for reference.
SIDE NOTE: You might also wish to consider doing a custom mod of your videocard to ensure you get top gaming speed. Similar to processors, videocard manufacturers just love to "downgrade" their cards and sell them at a lower cost. Rascals! Luckily, with the right know-how you can re-modify these cards to work at top speeds again (sometimes even doubling or tripling the speed). This is shockingly easy to do and even a baby could do it. For most cards, all you need to do is remove the stock heatsync (which is what they use to inhibit the cards performance). Leave the thermal glue in place and discard the leftover parts.
See in this photo for details on what a properly modded card will look like:
Jealous? Thought so.
Without the large portions of plastic, metal, and a fan drawing so much power from the card, you'll increase your speeds a heck of a lot. Just remember that doing this may void the warranty of the card some cases (it's rare, but it can happen).
STEP 6: EVERYTHING ELSE!Now that all the heavy lifting is done, it's time to connect all the other parts. I'll run though this as quickly as possible, as I'm sure by now you're ready to just get the blarmey thing up and running!
A. Turn the computer on
B. Plug in your Speakers
C. Hook up the monitor to the back of the case
D. Plug in the mouse and keyboard
E. Plug the computer into the wall.
F. Install the floppy disc drive
G. Clean up the cables and hook up fans
H. Shut the PC down
I. Restart it and install Windows
More beautiful than any woman could ever be!
STEP 7: START GAMING!Congratulation! You are now officially a PC building expert. No longer will you be left out of the loop when your friends discuss video effects cards and soundboards: Just jump right in! No longer will you have to stand idly by when that red-haired guy in class brags about his weakling custom build-rig: Set him straight! You've built your own computer and you should be goshed derned proud of it!
Now the only thing left to do is play some games with your lan-network buddies (and maybe impress some cutie tech support gals)! Score some points for me, and be sure and tell 'em The Baron sent ya!
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