Oh Great, I Graduated. Now What the F### am I Supposed to Do?

Graduation KidThe path to high school graduation is fraught with dangers. The simple days of “an apple a day”, “join choir to get out of real classes” and “taunt the fat kid until he goes insane” are long gone.

Battles with bands of wild brigands, an attack from a giant squid, and the death of their loving ape companion are only a few of the problems students must to deal with in today’s modern society. I’ve compiled the most common questions about high school graduation in this page. You’ll read it if you know what’s good for you.

Graduation Paper DollQ. Why do schools hold a graduation ceremony anyway? Tell me or I’ll kick dirt in your face!

A. It’s funny; nobody really knows the reasoning behind a graduation ceremony. One good analogy for it would be the German army near the end of World War 2. You see, the students are like the German footsoldiers because they- Well, actually now that I think about it, this analogy doesn't really work at all. There isn’t too much I can do about it now though. It would be too much work to delete this paragraph, so I'll just leave it in.

Q. What should I do to prepare for graduation?

A. Hmm…wow I wasn’t ready for this particular question, one second… umm yeah, ok I have it now, I didn’t mean to say I wasn’t prepared, I meant that I misplaced my notes. Yeah...that’s it. Misplaced my notes. Here:

  1. Bring medications in their original containers with you on the day of graduation You will also want to bring x-rays, medical files or lab reports that may be in your possession with you on the day of the .graduation

  2. Avoiding blood-thinning medications such as aspirin for one week before graduation

  3. Meet with your human resource representative to review your company's policy regarding medical leave and to verify your health coverage and short- or long-term disability insurance when you because you’re going to graduate afterwards.

  4. Understand and review your health insurance coverage. Are you required to get a second opinion before graduation will be paid for? What are the deductibles? Do you need any additional teacher referrals or pre-certifications?

  5. Make sure there are no safety hazards in your home (such as loose wires on the floor, slippery floors or tub surfaces) that could cause you to fall

Bored KidQ. Can you suggest some great music me and my family can listen to on the way to the ceremony?
A. I sure can! While driving to the graduation ceremony, make sure to turn on the hit song: Graduation (Friends Forever) by 90s pop "sensation" Vitamin C. I don't really know if the song is actually about graduation though, because I could never get through more than twelve seconds of it without getting a thrumming migraine.

Q. That’s all well and good, but how do I know what to do during the entrance ceremony (where the children walk down to their seats through the audience)?

A. I got your back son. These tips are taken from the graduation chapter of the handbook Get Life Living by famous motivational speaker Steve Stokes:

  • If you feel the line is moving too slowly you should roughly push the person in front of you while repeatedly saying “Come on. Go. Come on.” There is a good chance they will fall down some stairs, split open their skull, and die in a spreading pool of their own blood and urine, but at least you won’t have to wait for some slowpoke.

  • The best way to distinguish yourself from your classmates is by walking tall and proud; NOT by stumbling around in a drunken stupor with a parking cone on your head and screaming something incoherent about how Harry & The Hendersons should never have been canceled.

  • Throwing candy into the audience is not only discouraged; it is prohibited.

  • It is absurd to believe that mind-altering drugs will make the entrance procession more exciting. Wait until you're seated to eat those mushrooms.

  • Here's a short review of Ghost Dad: I have never seen this film before. 3/6 Stars.

Ghost Dad
Bill Cosby & His Daughter in Ghost Dad

Q. Oh dear! I’ve been asked to give a speech at my graduation and I don’t know what to do! Help!

A. Oh calm down, giving a speech isn’t such a hard thing to do, all you’ve go to do is write one and then read it. If you can’t think of anything you can just use one of these three pre-made speeches I’ve written up. Fill your information in the blanks where applicable.

Speech 1 - The Gentle Past

Kid PlaygroundAh yes, I remember my grade school years at INSERT SCHOOL NAME HERE as if they were yesterday. We have grown so very MUCH/LITTLE in these past years. I love living and life. It’s hard to believe we’ve all come so far.

 I also remember when I saw a young INSERT CLASSMATE NAME HERE crying under the monkey bars and I went over to comfort him/her. Yes, that certainly was a special event.

Speech 2 - Oh Father

Warrior DadI was 10 years old and father had just ostensibly just returned from the INSERT NAME OF WAR HERE war. I remember crying, and he set me down on his knee and said: “SON/DAUGHTER, I respect and enjoy your company. I sure do hope that I’ll be sober when you graduate and not dead in a gutter somewhere from binging on INSERT FATHERS FAVORITE DRINK HERE.”

Then I remember then my mother came home from work and said “oh my god who are you, put down my child before I call the police.” I never saw you again. I hate you father, and now that I've graduated I'll have my revenge (if I can find you).

Speech 3:

NgaaaaaOh great and terrible Cthulhu, I beg of thee: grant me thine unholy strength so I might strike fear into the hearts of those who would oppose thee.
Wicked forest-dwelling imps:
Shapeless mounds of chromatic goo:
Chittering web-footed men of the murky sea:
 I COMMAND THEE IN THE NAME OF THE GREAT COSMIC TERROR! RIIIIIISEEEEEE! (Spined black tentacles should cut through your skin at this point and thrash about while you belch out toxic blackness. Just try to go with it).

Congratulations, now you have officially graduated. Now you can finally quit your job as a welder and do what you truly love to do: DANCE (shown below)!
Dance Lady