Ghost

If you’ve ever visited a haunted house, you probably think you
have a good idea of what ghosts are and what they're capable of. If this is the case, you're in for a rude awakening, because brother: Real-life ghostings have as much in common with carnival ghost houses as a composition book full of beastiality drawings has with a slightly newer composition book of a different color whose pages are not yet defiled with beastiality drawings. Which is to say: Not much.

So prepare to be scared senseless. Yes, even the most skeptical of skeptics will be chilled to the bone by the "scare-raising" scientific facts and scenarios contained herein. Oh, and before we begin, here's a word of advice: To get the full effect of this article, you should probably turn on some spooky-time ghost-time music to play in the background. I
recommend using either one of those Halloween sound-effects tapes or the soundtrack
to the smash-hit Shaquille O'Neil vehicle Kazaam. And lest you believe that's just some lame "kooky" ironic random pop-culture reference to a garbage movie: It isn't! The truth is that the idea of listening to Shaquille O’ Neil do some genie-based rapping never ceases to give me chills. You know, like...ghosts!

Swoosht! Basketball rim net jam! Game, set, and match. Now let's do this thing. 

Ghost Defined

Webster’s dictionary probably defines a “ghost” as a
frightening thing wearing a white sheet and going "wooo!". While this
definition might be alright for children and the elderly, the rest of
us need something more. So I will define a ghost as:

Any
dead person who climbs out of his grave and wanders around harassing
people for (usually) no good reason. Oh, and also ghosts
are
translucent (you can see through them).

If anyone takes issue with my definition you can certainly write in
with your own. I will publish it here and tell you why you are wrong.
It is not commonly known, but ghosts are actually made out of what is
called “Dark Matter”. You may have heard that this is also
the material which makes up most stars, including Quasars, Pulsars,
& Red Dwarves.

Dwarf

Dark Matter is also impervious to the pull of black holes, does not
reflect light, and when orbiting a planet it can reach speeds of up to
1300 Light Years per second. Also in case you couldn’t tell, I
just made all that crap up. Thank you.

Ghastly Abilities

A lot of times you’ll watch a movie with ghosts in it, and they
will make all these supposedly “scary” things happen with
their powers. But in real life where there are no fast cuts, spooky
music, and creepy lighting, these things are not scary, they are
annoying. Here are the powers a lot of dumb old ghosts will use to
bother you:

  • Walk Through Walls – Yeah,
    ghosts can walk through walls. They have no concept of how walls work,
    so don’t try to play racquetball with a ghost. You will say
    “Hey ghost, just hit the ball against the wall so it comes to
    me” and the ghost will just go “Huuuh?” and shrug his
    shoulders. Also, if you see a ghost who refuses to wait in line for a
    film, at the bank, or at the drive-thru, you will know not to get all
    worked up: He doesn’t know any better.

    Walls

  • Mess Up Electronics – You
    probably saw a lot of this power in the movie Poltergeist. Sometimes
    ghosts like to mess with people by making their TV change channels or
    go static-y. They also have the ability to make your computer go into
    sleep mode at any time, and to read your email without your permission.
    Frankly, I think ghosts who use this power are extremely childish:
    Yeah, that was real funny Ghost of My Dead Great Grandfather, I was
    watching Andy Griffith and you changed it to Hercules: The Legendary Journeys; could you please change it back now? Of course they never listen.

  • Vortex – Sometimes
    ghosts (like toddlers) just need to throw a little tantrum. So they
    create a swirling vortex containing your belongings and pets. This
    would be fine, except that when they get tired, all the stuff they had
    in the vortex just drops to the ground and your junk gets strewn all
    over the place. What the hell! Is it too much to ask that you clean up
    after yourself? Stupid ghost.

  • Bleeding Walls – I
    wouldn’t classify this as a ghostly prank,it is just plain
    disrespectful. Imagine if you just bought a new house with really nice
    off-white carpeting, and the first night you have it some crippled old
    American Indian ghost decides that he’s going to make the walls bleed just
    because you built your house on his family's sacred burial ground. Even if he just does it in
    one room, that’s at least a few hundred dollars worth of
    carpeting: Ruined! 

    Man, if a ghost pulled that with me I would blow my
    own brains out just so I could come back as a ghost too and kick the
    crap out of him. Then I would probably try to make the walls bleed
    Billy Mays from the OxyClean commercials to works some of his magic so
    the next owner wouldn’t have to buy all new carpet. The padding
    might be ruined though, unless I summoned him real quick.

    Billy
    Into da matting, into da padding.
  • Psychokinesis - To
    explain it simply, this means throwing junk around. Sometimes when
    it’s quiet, ghosts get bored and decide to cause a little
    commotion by hurling your stuff. Imagine that you are just sitting in
    your favorite chair reading the paper and all of a sudden the cup of
    coffee you had set on the table levitates into the air and flies across
    the room, smashing itself into a million pieces against the wall. You
    would be pretty angry (and rightly so), but what can you do? Ghosts
    will be ghosts.

  • Possession – They
    say possession is 9/10ths of the law. I’m not sure how this
    relates to ghosts, but it sure was a good way to start a paragraph. A
    lot of people think that when someone is possessed, that Demons (or
    Daemons) are responsible for it. This is wrong, and the reason why is
    simple: Demons don’t exist; ghosts do. So when you head over to
    visit Aunt Mable and her head is spinning around as she vomits bile and
    slams a crucifix into her crotch again and again while screaming the
    foulest obscenities you’ve ever heard, you can nod your head
    knowingly, raise a single finger into the air and say "Looks like the
    work of a ghost!” Then you should probably leave.

    Possess
    Whoopeee! Satan lives within me!
Pop Ghosts

There are plenty of ghost references in popular culture. Here is a dismissive overview of each.

  • Casper The Friendly Ghost – The ghost of a fat kid who goes around whining all the time because nobody will play with him except blind kids
  • Scooby-Doo – The
    worst cartoon in the history of television. The same 2 frames of
    animation play of these dorks walking around a haunted house and Shaggy
    gets scared and that piece of crap dog Scooby eats a Scooby Snack.
    Somebody should poison that dog.

  • Ghost Busters – Some
    ugly poor people travel around the city while 80s music plays and shoot
    jagged laser beams at ghosts. Then they transform into cartoon
    characters and become even more mediocre and plenty of stupid kids buy
    Ghost Busters toys because they are weak-minded

  • Ghost Rider – That
    dumb clod Nicolas Cage rides around on a motorcycle as a flaming skull.
    Another great role Nick, just keep starring in those
    below-average blockbusters in which you give pained grimaces and gesture
    wildly.

    Cage
    Excuse me sir, might I fondle your child?
  • Ghost of the Edmund Fitzgerald – Nevermind,
    I just remembered that it is called the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.
    But not like it matters, the only people who would know that song are a
    hundred and sixteen years old.

  • Ghost Writer – Don’t
    confuse this with Ghost Rider, this was a show about kids who found a
    magic ghost who would talk to them by writing in a magic book or
    something like that. It was on PBS so the production values were a
    little
    better than Dr. Who. Which is to say they were a little better
    than the most unappealing thing I could find in a dumpster in which
    people only throw the mangled and bloated corpses of plague-ridden homeless
    people. But maybe I gave Dr. Who too much credit with that.

  • Ghost Dad – Bill
    Cosby plays a black ghost. This film was very important to black
    children everywhere because it showed them that black people die too.

    Sid
    Hello, this is Sidney Portier, director of Ghost Dad

    wishing you and yours a merry Christmas!

Are Ghosts Real?

Yes; ghosts are very real. This answer is sufficient for most, but
there are some people who value what they call “facts” and
“evidence” over common sense. This list of ghost evidences
should bring the nonbelievers up to the same level as the rest of us.

  1. People say they have seen ghostsWhat,
    are you going to call a guy you never even met a liar? I can’t
    think of any better evidence than word-of-mouth heresay from nondescript
    persons of unknown mental capacity, thank you very much!

  2. Doors – Sometimes doors in houses slam shut when nobody is around. Spooktacular!
    Door
    Yeah yeah, laugh it up doorlion!
  3. Virgin Mary – This
    ghost is everywhere! She has appeared in snow banks, in dreams, and in
    a grilled cheese sandwich that some old broad decided to sell. Also she
    appears in a drink.

  4. Strange Presences –
    There have been reports of people who have felt what they described as
    a “strange presence” inside a particular room or house.
    Case closed.

  5. The Bible – Inside
    these hallowed pages are some of the best evidences of ghosts. For example,
    I think there is one passage where Jesus (the main character) says
    something like “All ye nonbelievers something something
    something” and also there is a king called King Saul or something
    and he cuts a baby in half! That isn’t technically related to
    ghosts, but wow, that sure is messed up. In conclusion: The Bible!

  6. Harry Potter Has Ghosts – Lots of people like Harry Potter.
  7. Photos – Look at all these pictures I was able to find of ghosts, and this was without even trying:
    Ghost 1 Ghost 2
    Ghost 3 Ghost 4

    Let’s see you refute that evidence, Factie.

  8. One Time – I came
    into the living room of my aunt’s house because I was staying
    there to watch her cats after she died there recently and I came into
    the room and the rocking chair was rocking back and forth and nobody
    was even around it was super freaky, no not even any cats or anything
    were around and all the windows were shut and everything and I asked my
    mom and she said that was the exact chair she was rocking in when she
    died honest.

Boo.