Street Gangs: A Swell Solution To a Modern-Day Problem

Riot GangKids these days don’t have enough to do. They play hooky from school during the day and cause a ruckus as they drag race their hotrods down main street at night. What can be done to combat this teenage menace? Let me tell you: Make street gangs legal.

What’s that you say? Gangs aren’t illegal? Ha! Shows what you know buddy, I’m pretty sure that they are. Honestly, it doesn’t matter either way; here’s an easy-to-follow Q&A explaining why gangs are healthy for children.

Why do kids need gangs?

A. Children need to belong to something. If you ask a kid today what his biggest dream is, he will probably say he wants to smoke a cigarette, and more power to him. But if you ask him his second biggest, he is likely to say that he wants to belong to a gang. Many doctors agree that the best way to raise a child is to give him exactly what he asks for all the time. This is where the phrase “It takes a village” comes from. You are going to need a lot of help getting all that stuff for the kid by yourself, so make the village help.
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Q. Why not have the children start their own band instead?

A. Actually, being in a street gang is almost exactly like being in a band! But instead of playing great music, the kids throw rocks through local storefront windows and deface statues.

Q. A cat is making loud noises on a fence outside my apartment!

A. What is this, the 1920s? A street gang can’t help you with that old cat. Just throw a boot at it or something.

Q. How would all these street gangs benefit me?

A. For one thing, gangs could give consumers retribution for bad products they bought from stores within the gang’s territory. Normally, if you bought something like a fancy pen set and it didn’t work, you would be stuck with it. If my gang plan was put into action, all you would need to do is tell a street gang what happened. Then they would go and rough up the store owner a little. You know, give him a hard time, break some of his merchandise, stuff like that. You wouldn’t get your money back, but it would feel pretty good knowing that you got revenge.

Q. Would the gangs be around at county fairs? I don’t want any gangs ruining the fair.

A. If they want to go to the fair, there isn’t much I can do to stop them (they are gangs after all). But they might not want to go, because around the same time they could hold their own yearly “Street Gang Fun Fest.” This would be where all the gangs in one city would take a break for the day and come to a big park to participate in some games and sports. Here are some examples of games they could have:

  • Sharks! Each gang member tries to see if he can get a loan shark to cough up some dough that he owes. Use any method of torture you choose, as long as you don’t kill him. Try to see if your gang can get the high score!
  • Brumball. Members shoot at each other in a corn maze. The last kid standing gets 5 tickets to use at the prize counter.
  • Potato Sack Race. Instead of potato sacks they would use bats, and instead of racing they could bust up pieces of equipment in the park.
  • Racial Relay. Gangs come from all walks of life, so a gang get-together would be a great place to prove (or disprove) some racial stereotypes. Contests could be held in categories like: Mugging, Eating Fried Chicken, Doing Your Taxes, Solving Math Problems, Dancing, Penis Length, and Long-Distance Brick Heaving. This might be a good way to end the race wars once and for all. Although it'd probably just make them worse.

Burger King Kids ClubQ. Could the gangs also do community service?

A. You can try to get them to do that, but I don’t know if it would work. For example, if they were supposed to help some old woman carry her groceries back from the store, I don't think they could do it. Instead, their instinct would be to run away with the bags and throw some eggs at her while calling out curses. And can you really blame them? If she's so old, why doesn't she just buy one of those motorized carts for herself?

Q. Could my pet be in the gang too?

A. If it is a tough pet, it can come. Birds, snakes, mice, and fish are not to be allowed into gangs. Cats and dogs, horses, pigs, and ferrets are allowed. Also, if there are any half-man half-beasts around, they should make their own separate gang. They could call themselves Beasts Ahoy if they felt like it.

Q. Will the gangs be anything like in the film Gangs of New York?

A. They will be like that except with smaller gangs, and kids can’t grow a handlebar mustache no matter how hard they try. It could also be difficult to find one of those giant stovepipe hats these days.

Q. Haha, remember that soup nazi episode of Seinfeld where Kramer gets that armoire stolen and he says it was taken by some “street toughs”?

A. Yeah! That Kramer always cracks me up.

Kool GangQ. Will the gangs do the same things that modern gangs do?

A. Oh no. They aren’t like those new gangs in LA or anything. They don’t wear certain colors or walk funny. Heh heh maybe there could be one gang where all the members walk with a limp though, that would be pretty funny! Well, except if a guy who really has a limp walks by. Then everyone in that gang would feel pretty ashamed.

Well, that’s all I have about legalizing street gangs for now, if you have any more questions you can contact the site down at the bottom of the page. Just send a message with the subject “street gangs” and I will post your question here because I have nothing better to do.