dog

Do you
enjoy funerals? If not, then this is the guide
for you! If so...I'm not sure what your deal is. That is pretty weird.
I mean, I guess one could
be enjoyable if it was the funeral of someone you really
hated, but...well, I’m really getting ahead of
myself here. Probably just go ahead and read the rest of this.

Also, I have to tell
you that I couldn't (read: did not want to) find any interesting
pictures relating to funerals, so instead I have included a number of
photos which depict animals who appear to be smiling.

And with that...Funerals!

THE VIEWING

A lot of times at a funeral, they'll set the body out
so everyone can have a look at it. Depending on how well you knew the
dead person, your reaction to seeing their corpse will range from "I'm
sad" to "How long do I have to stand here looking at this thing?"

Here are do's and don'ts for viewing the dead body:

  • DON’T
    clap or yelp in the deceased’s face.
    The family probably won’t appreciate it, even after you explain that
    you were “just trying to see if it was really dead.”
  • DON’T
    attempt to open the casket at a closed-casket funeral. It is closed for
    a reason (and this reason is usually that the deceased's face looks
    like hamburger because they ratted-out the
    mob subsequently took a couple point-blank shotgun blasts to the face).
    You have been warned.  
  • DON’T
    loudly shush other mourners around you and then say in an
    obviously annoyed tone, “Would you people PLEASE keep it down, I’m
    trying to view the corpse!” Also: put down that popcorn. 
  • DO
    peer inside the coffin and then exclaim, “Dear god, she's dead!", dial
    911, report that you've found a dead body. People may not find it
    amusing at the time, but then again, it's the thought that
    counts. 
  • DO
    understand that while it might be borderline acceptable to comment on
    how comfortable the coffin looks, climbing in to see for yourself
    is definitely crossing the line.

THE SERMON

Most of the time you'll have to sit and listen
to a lot of preaching at a funeral. It's obnoxious, but it can't really
be helped. Try to find something to bite down on. Uncle Merle
died
peacefully, and they try to make you feel better that he’s dead by
telling you he’s running through rolling green fields even though in
the 30+ years you knew him you never once saw the angry old shithead
out of his filth-chair, but whatever.

Interestingly enough, at funerals nearly everyone is
posthumously awarded "Good Christian" status, even if they weren't even
slightly religious. Obviously this is disingenuous, but I suppose it
makes sense. Most families would probably get upset if the priest
started talking about how Satan's minions are gleefully feeding Merle's
testicles into a the gears of an early 19th-century milling machine and
eternally shoving white-hot railroad spikes up his ass because he had
sex with a Dutch woman during World War 2. 

bear

ADDITIONAL TIPS & TRICKS

When it comes to funerals, there are far too many unwritten
rules for me to relate here, but here are a few of the most important:

  1. Even if you didn’t like the person who died,
    you probably shouldn't shout "Hooray!" when the priest announces
    they've gone
    to a better place.

Hmm...that's actually all I've got left for funeral tips. That's OK
though. The rest of them can just be tips & tricks for everyday
life: 

  1. If you have problems with road rage, one thing you could
    try is replacing your car's stock horn with one that plays "La
    Cucaracha". That way, when another motorist cuts you off in traffic and
    you instinctively slam on the horn, you'll no longer release a sharp
    blast of distressing noise (causing further agitation to both yourself
    and the offending party). Instead, you and those around you will be
    treated to the sprightly toots of a whimsical Mexican jingle.

    No longer will anger beget anger on the highways and byways of America
    The Beautiful. Torrent of curses and middle fingers will be replaced by
    broad, apologetic smiles and an enthusiastic "thumbs up!" in
    recognition of a job well done.

    It's like the song says: "Ya murió la cucaracha, ya la llevan a
    enterrar. Entre cuatro zopilotes, y un ratón de sacristán." (The
    cockroach just died, now they take her to be buried. Among four
    buzzards, and a mouse as the sexton.")

    A mouse as the sexton indeed! Truer words have never been spoken.

  2. Remember that episode of Full House where D.J. and
    Stephanie accidentally bash a big hole in the wall of Danny's closet
    with a coat rack? He comes into the room, but before he can see what
    they've done, the girls freestyle a song about him as a distraction so
    he won't see what they've done. 

    This always bothered me because as far as I know, they never repaired
    the hole and Danny never finds out about it. I just think that
    particular episode sent the
    wrong message to kids.

  3. I've always wondered: Can only humans be ghosts, or do
    other species become ghosts as well? Where's the cutoff? I've heard of
    ghost pets (cats and dogs), but what about monkeys? It seems like there
    should be more ghosts of them since they're our closest
    relatives. 

  4. And even if only humans become ghosts, at what stage of
    evolution did this begin? Does the brain have to reach a certain level
    of cognitive ability for ghostery to begin? Did early hominids qualify?
    Were there Neanderthal ghosts? Australopithecus ghosts? Inquiring minds
    want to know. 

  5. In fact, how do ghosts even work within the confines of
    modern human development? There are plenty of stories about crying baby
    ghosts, and giggling child ghosts, so obviously they qualify, but what
    about earlier than that? 

  6. Like for religious fundamentalists who
    believe life (and thus the creation of a "soul") begins at
    conception, then surely  there must also be ghost fetuses and
    ghost zygotes. Perhaps it begins even earlier. Maybe there are even
    sperm ghosts and egg ghosts.

    Pretty spooky.

cat

AN ENDING

After the funeral is over, go ahead and eat some food. For
some reason it's always just snack food like Cheez-Its and
pretzels (and maybe a lunchmeat plate). But why not serve a full meal?
Funerals are a draining, unpleasant slog and it wouldn't hurt to reward
the attendees with pizza and burgers or something.

Anyway, just a thought.