How To Survive the First Day of Work

First Day Of Work

The first day of work can be stressful, so I decided to write some tips for people who are going to have their first day of work soon. It includes many different things, like what you should wear, acceptable coworker greeting procedure, how to get rid of those first day jitters, and so very much more.



DRESS CODE

Deciding what to wear on the first day of work can be stressful in and of itself. Before heading out for the day, you may want to consider having a quick glance over the company handbook to see if they've included any information about dress codes.


Alternatively, you could just wear whatever you feel like wearing until someone complains. This is usually the approach I take. If you decide to go this second route though, here are some basic fashion guidelines you should follow.

BOWL CUNT

1. Bowl Cuts

Don't you dare come to work with a bowl cut!

2. Skin Tight Stonewashed Jeans

These are the fashion equivalent of sex with a fourteen year old. Don't even think about it.

3. Sunglasses (During the Day)

Listen, if you want to wear sunglasses inside an office building, I'm not going to stop you.

4. Sunglasses (At Night)

This practice is acceptable ONLY if you were wearing the glasses "so you could, so you could, forget your name while I collect your claim." Otherwise, forget about it.

5. Leather Vest

It takes a real man to rock a leather vest, especially if he goes shirtless underneath. But I always say: "If you got the guns, why not flash em?"

Leather Vest

6. Short Shorts

Who wears short shorts? Anyone who wants to, that's whom! Short shorts come in various colours and can easily be carried around compressed in a canister. Check em out!

7. Bolo Tie

Hey, aren't bolo ties that one kind of tie Colonel Sanders wears? If so: Awesome.




GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS

What follows is a simple list of UNACCEPTABLE greetings:

1. "How's It Hangin?"

Questions like this are considered quite rude in the workplace. If you're so interested in the state of other people's genitalia you can install a hidden toiletcams in the bathroom like the rest of us.

Side Note: If anyone ever ask you this, feel free to respond by saying "With Mister Cooper."

Ass Slap

2. A Slap On The Ass

Here are the consequences of ass slapping arranged by gender. Follow these carefully, assuming you do not want to be sued:

Type Of Ass Slap
Probable Outcome
Straight Man on Straight Man Lawsuit
Straight Man on Straight Woman Lawsuit
Straight Man on Lesbian Lawsuit
Straight man on Gay man Grey Area (Men Are Whores)
Straight Woman on Gay Man Perfectly Acceptable
Straight Woman on Straight man Hell Yeah

3. "Whatup/Wazzap/Sup?"

No. No. No.

4. Aaaaayyyy, lookoo it is! (makes crude masturbatory gesture).

Do this.

5. Yo

If you are either Sylvester Stalone, A neighborhood guy yelling at another guy because the second guy forgot his wallet on the counter at the deli and it about to walk out the door without it, someone who has just had a beverage spilled on them, or a young Tony Danza, you may say "yo". Everyone else...better luck next time.

Danza




COPING WITH STRESS

As I said at the outset: The first day of work is probably going to be stressful. This can be problematic, because, as they say, you only get to make one first impression. So try to imagine, then, the first impression one would make with his new coworkers he were to go staggering through the building drenched in sweat and pulling at the collar of his shirt simply because he is nervous for the first day of work. It would be a scandalous affair, to be sure.

So what can be done to combat these first day jitters? Prescription drug abuse is one possible solution. For legal reasons, I will not officially recommend this, but it has been said that medicines from the Benzodiazepine class (such as Clonazepam and Lorazepam) are very effective at combating the anxieties or troubling physical tics which might be brought about by first-day jitters.

Pills

Don't overdo it though, Benzodiazepines are sometimes used as date-rape drugs! By abusing these substances, you risk unintentionally exposing yourself to inappropriate hand or face love by a lustful coworker (or at the very least: a thorough groping by members of the on-site janitorial staff).

Protect yourselves and your blood!