Drugs

By Henry

Drugs
have got a bad reputation, but I’m not sure why. Think about it: what’s
the worst thing a drug has ever done? Destroyed a family? Allowed a
person to hold a stimulating conversation with a mop? Caused a person’s
death? These are all relatively unimportant things when you come right
down to it. There’s a lot of misinformation out there about drugs, but
I felt that maybe there was not quite enough. This article should serve
to remedy that.

Part 1 - Heroin, Marijuana, LSD, Mushrooms

Part 2 - Meth, Ketamine, Alcohol

Part 3 - Cocaine,
Caffeine, Tobacco

Heroin
Heroin

History

Everybody knows about this drug. Heroin is made from poppies (the stuff Dorothy got blazed on in Wizard of Oz)
which contain opium. In the cowboy days, a bunch of Chinese people
decided to come over to the US because they were sick of
being respected. They brought opium with them, and everyone really got
a big kick out of it. Soon they decided to make opium into heroin, and
everyone started taking it. Some famous heroin addicts in history were:
Teddy Roosevelt, Mark Summers (host of Double Dare),
and the Gerber Baby. I even heard it said that General Custer rode the
white pony from time to time. Also, heroin also used to be legal (and
still is if you’re a Mormon). People must have popped that stuff
like Skittles.

Effects

  • Feeling Great!

    If
    you take this stuff, you’ll feel all warm and fuzzy and sleepy. Also I
    guess you float up into the air and the room turns white or something.

    Baby
    Golden brown, texture like sun...

  • Anti-Diarrhea

    Having
    trouble holding it in? You could grab yourself an adult diaper, or you
    could consider jamming a needle full of heroin into your eye. It is
    well documented that heroin stops you up. It might be a better idea to take some Imodium though, what
    with heroin being extremely dangerous and all. But I don’t want to tell
    you how to live your life.

  • Boredom-Killer

    It
    seems that if you do heroin, it will be impossible for you to become
    bored. This means you’ll be able to do things that would normally cause
    you to fall asleep from gut-wrenching boredom like: Reading Stranger in
    a Strange Land, watching a presidential debate, or listening to the
    Velvet Underground.

    Stranger
    Actual Quote: "Nine times out of ten, if a girl gets raped, it's at least partly her own fault"

  • Weight Loss

    Say
    you are overweight; you’ve tried the Adkins diet, Jenny Craig, and
    weight-watchers and none of them seem to keep the pounds off. Well
    heroin is a sure-fire way to lose weight! Sure, you’ll look like a
    nearly-translucent corpse, but it’ll be the corpse of a
    model.

  • Ruins Your Life, Turning You Into an Opium-Fueled Robot

    A
    lot of people who shoot heroin like it so much that they decide they
    don’t want to do anything else. Activities like walking in the park,
    playing sports, interacting with people, having job, and “not having
    sex for money” will not interest the user at all. But not to say
    addicts don’t so anything, they do still enjoy staring at their shoe
    for hours on end, shivering, and contracting HIV from dirty needles.

    Addict

Advice

Don't take heroin.

Marijuana
Marijuana

History

Do
I really have to go into the history of this plant? No. Here’s a faster
synopsis: One day a monkey was in a field and he found some marijuana.
He threw it on the fire and found that the smoke from it made him
really happy. He brought it back to the other monkeys and they loved it
too. Soon every monkey around was smoking marijuana. After a while, the
monkeys evolved into people and the people still loved marijuana. Soon
the people invented towns and cities and police and judges and
repressed mothers. In retrospect, these last three might have been a
mistake. The mothers screamed with jealousy when they found that they
didn’t understand marijuana and that it made people happy. The
judges got annoyed with hearing so many screams that finally they shook
their heads and said “Uh-uh”, took all the marijuana away. They told
the police to throw marijuana smokers into overcrowded prisons and
allow them to be repeatedly raped and stabbed by real criminals while
people who indulged in substantially more harmful drugs like alcohol
and tobacco roamed free. Then they had cake.

Cake
Uh-oh, somebody cut the cake. I told them to wait for you, but they did it anyway.

Let me also add
that this synopsis is absolutely 100% historically accurate and fair,
so if any children are reading this they can feel free to cite it as a
source in any papers they might write.

Effects

I
certainly can’t be bothered to look the effects up, so I can’t say for
sure what it does. All I can do is to use television and films to help
me guess. So here are the 8 signs someone you know might be on “the
pot”:

  1. Inability to stop giggling
  2. Cravings for orange snacks such as Cheetos, Doritos, and Creamsicles.
  3. Playing Atari 2600 games and actually enjoying them
    Atari
    Hurray.
  4. Hanging out with that one guy who played Goat Boy
  5. Initiating in-depth discussions about “what would happen if time
    started moving backwards and we all turned into beetles”
    Beetlejuice
    I'd like to eat something, but not anything like they're eating. They do feed themselves. And here I am, dying!
  6. Increased tendency to run over children riding bicycles after receiving food from drive-thru window
  7. Writing,
    directing, or producing a Spider-Man movie where Peter Parker disco dances
    down the street, plays ragtime piano, and punches Mary-Jane Watson in
    the face

If you feel like you would like to do any of the
things I listed above, feel free to smoke pot. It probably won’t hurt
anything, but be careful: You should add “getting arrested or fined
because marijuana is illegal” to that list too. Oh, and if you're wondering about the eighth thing, it never even existed.


Advice

See above.

LSD
LSD

History

Some
doctor in the 40s invented it and accidentally took some, and oh boy
did he ever take a trip. He thought his neighbor was a witch, the
furniture started talking to him (neat!), and then he imagined Einstein
was chasing him around with a knife (Yikes). The government messed
around with it for a while, and then decided to ban it.

Effects

  • Morphy

    Stuff
    goes morphing all over the place; you’ve never seen such morphing in
    your life. You can see a morphing chair! You can see a morphing picture
    on the wall! You can see the morphing face of Albert Einstein as he
    tries to slit your throat! Boy oh boy.

  • Colors & Trails

    Take
    some of this and you’ll probably be treated to a mindmade light show.
    Close your eyes, and colors whirl and twirl and swirl and every other
    kind of irl you can think of. As an added bonus, moving things leave a
    trail behind them. Imagine the good times your family will have seeing
    you waving your nephew’s toy covered wagon in front of your eyes while
    muttering, “Yyyeeeeeeeeee!!! It’s…it’s the Oregon Trail! I’ll choose
    the banker… the banker. Do you know, do you KNOW that he starts out
    with the most money. What? What was that?! I could have sworn I heard
    something sinister…”

    Oregon
    Cold... so very cold...

  • Badness

    Well,
    it isn’t such a hot idea to try and take this stuff if you’re in public
    or unsupervised. First of all, this crap is illegal. Secondly,
    depending on how messed up your head is to begin with, you might do
    some freaky things. Like, if you think you see the walls “breathing”,
    you might assume they are preparing to attack, and so decide to make a
    preemptive strike. Bashing holes in walls with hammers or other
    implements is usually frowned upon, especially if you’re in church like
    I was.

    You might also do something like to wandering onto a
    freeway to hug some traffic, climb inside dangerous pets, or even believe you
    need to purge an evil spirit from your skull with a power drill or
    handgun.

  • Baby Birthing Helper

    I
    hear that LSD causes uterine contractions, so maybe it would help a
    pregnant lady give birth to a baby. A person or doctor somewhere should
    try this out sometime! (Editor’s note: No.)

  • Cluster Headache Cure

    They
    say LSD can help with cluster headaches. I get some pretty bad
    headaches from time to time, but nothing compared to what a cluster
    headache sounds like. Somebody said they were worse than an amputation
    without anesthetic. An amputation of what, I don’t know. If it’s
    something like a penis or an eye, that would be pretty bad, but if it’s
    just like the lower part of your ear or the little toe on your foot,
    big deal. Go ahead and snip the useless thing off for all I care (the
    toe that is, not the other thing).

    Pi

  • Psychological Breakthroughs

    I
    think I heard something like LSD might help with psychiatry, but I
    don’t know how this would work. It might be funny though to be a
    psychiatrist and just mess with your patients after they’ve taken the
    drugs. At the beginning you can do small things like stop talking in
    the middle of a sentence and when they ask what you were going to say
    pretend you don’t know what they’re talking about. Then later you can
    bring in some harmless snakes and wave them in front of the person’s
    face while playing some really creepy electronic circus type music. Man
    that would be rich.

Advice

Yeah,
I wouldn’t really mess around with this junk unless you really know
what you’re doing. And if you ever do take it, don’t do it while watching Eraserhead
in a crack den. Trust me.

Mushrooms (Psilocybin)
Mushroom

History

These
things have probably been growing forever, so there’s really no need
for any history. They are mushrooms that come from the ground. People
eat them and have a weird old time. One thing I will put in here is
that the Center for Disease control rated these mushrooms less toxic
than aspirin. Yes, this is actually true. But don’t worry, it’s the
only real fact you will find in here from now on, I promise.


Effects

  • Hilarity

    Sometimes
    these mushrooms will make you find any little thing (or nothing at all)
    extremely hilarious. You might see an old man roll his wheelchair down
    a steep flight of stairs into a some sort of canyon, and you might
    laugh more than usual. You might also continue laughing for 5 or 6
    hours. Shame on you in either case.

    Wheelchair Suicide
    Don't do it!

  • One with the Universe

    You
    might feel as if your “self” has died, and begins to come together with
    the world around you. This can either be seen as “Duuuude, I am merging
    with the universe…” or “Oh sweet heavenly Christ on high, the universe
    is sucking me into it. Oh help. Please god help me. I’m so afraid. I’m
    so very afraid.” Fun huh?

  • Joy in the Little Things

    Self-help
    books and religions like to talk a lot about “finding joy in the little
    things” and many people find this very hard to do. Really all you need
    to do is eat some psilocybin and you’ll love the little things a little
    too much. If you ever see some guy in the park just sort of wandering
    around running his hand along the bark of trees, rubbing caterpillars
    on his face, or trying to have sex with the grass you’ll know he’s
    probably taken some of this stuff. Also, now would probably be a good
    time to go up and rob him if you’re some kind of criminal.

    Tree Hug
    Stop that immediately!

    Advice

    Go right ahead and take a few of these. As long as you're not performing complex surgery or driving it shouldn't hurt you.

    Continue to Part 2