Worthless Guide to Drugs Part 1: The Classics

Drugs
By Henry
Drugs have got a bad reputation, but I’m not sure why. Think about it: what’s the worst thing a drug has ever done? Destroyed a family? Allowed a person to hold a stimulating conversation with a mop? Caused a person’s death? These are all relatively unimportant things when you come right down to it. There’s a lot of misinformation out there about drugs, but I felt that maybe there was not quite enough. This article should serve to remedy that.

Part 1 - Heroin, Marijuana, LSD, Mushrooms
Part 2 - Meth, Ketamine, Alcohol
Part 3 - Cocaine, Caffeine, Tobacco


Heroin
Heroin
History
Everybody knows about this drug. Heroin is made from poppies (the stuff Dorothy got blazed on in Wizard of Oz) which contain opium. In the cowboy days, a bunch of Chinese people decided to come over to the US because they were sick of being respected. They brought opium with them, and everyone really got a big kick out of it. Soon they decided to make opium into heroin, and everyone started taking it. Some famous heroin addicts in history were: Teddy Roosevelt, Mark Summers (host of Double Dare), and the Gerber Baby. I even heard it said that General Custer rode the white pony from time to time. Also, heroin also used to be legal (and still is if you’re a Mormon). People must have popped that stuff like Skittles.


Effects
  • Feeling Great!
    If you take this stuff, you’ll feel all warm and fuzzy and sleepy. Also I guess you float up into the air and the room turns white or something.

    Baby
    Golden brown, texture like sun...

  • Anti-Diarrhea
    Having trouble holding it in? You could grab yourself an adult diaper, or you could consider jamming a needle full of heroin into your eye. It is well documented that heroin stops you up. It might be a better idea to take some Imodium though, what with heroin being extremely dangerous and all. But I don’t want to tell you how to live your life.

  • Boredom-Killer
    It seems that if you do heroin, it will be impossible for you to become bored. This means you’ll be able to do things that would normally cause you to fall asleep from gut-wrenching boredom like: Reading Stranger in a Strange Land, watching a presidential debate, or listening to the Velvet Underground.

    Stranger
    Actual Quote: "Nine times out of ten, if a girl gets raped, it's at least partly her own fault"

  • Weight Loss
    Say you are overweight; you’ve tried the Adkins diet, Jenny Craig, and weight-watchers and none of them seem to keep the pounds off. Well heroin is a sure-fire way to lose weight! Sure, you’ll look like a nearly-translucent corpse, but it’ll be the corpse of a model.

  • Ruins Your Life, Turning You Into an Opium-Fueled Robot
    A lot of people who shoot heroin like it so much that they decide they don’t want to do anything else. Activities like walking in the park, playing sports, interacting with people, having job, and “not having sex for money” will not interest the user at all. But not to say addicts don’t so anything, they do still enjoy staring at their shoe for hours on end, shivering, and contracting HIV from dirty needles.

    Addict

Advice
Don't take heroin.


Marijuana
Marijuana
History
Do I really have to go into the history of this plant? No. Here’s a faster synopsis: One day a monkey was in a field and he found some marijuana. He threw it on the fire and found that the smoke from it made him really happy. He brought it back to the other monkeys and they loved it too. Soon every monkey around was smoking marijuana. After a while, the monkeys evolved into people and the people still loved marijuana. Soon the people invented towns and cities and police and judges and repressed mothers. In retrospect, these last three might have been a mistake. The mothers screamed with jealousy when they found that they didn’t understand marijuana and that it made people happy. The judges got annoyed with hearing so many screams that finally they shook their heads and said “Uh-uh”, took all the marijuana away. They told the police to throw marijuana smokers into overcrowded prisons and allow them to be repeatedly raped and stabbed by real criminals while people who indulged in substantially more harmful drugs like alcohol and tobacco roamed free. Then they had cake.

Cake
Uh-oh, somebody cut the cake. I told them to wait for you, but they did it anyway.

Let me also add that this synopsis is absolutely 100% historically accurate and fair, so if any children are reading this they can feel free to cite it as a source in any papers they might write.


Effects
I certainly can’t be bothered to look the effects up, so I can’t say for sure what it does. All I can do is to use television and films to help me guess. So here are the 8 signs someone you know might be on “the pot”:
  1. Inability to stop giggling

  2. Cravings for orange snacks such as Cheetos, Doritos, and Creamsicles.

  3. Playing Atari 2600 games and actually enjoying them

    Atari
    Hurray.
  4. Hanging out with that one guy who played Goat Boy

  5. Initiating in-depth discussions about “what would happen if time started moving backwards and we all turned into beetles”

    Beetlejuice
    I'd like to eat something, but not anything like they're eating. They do feed themselves. And here I am, dying!

  6. Increased tendency to run over children riding bicycles after receiving food from drive-thru window

  7. Writing, directing, or producing a Spider-Man movie where Peter Parker disco dances down the street, plays ragtime piano, and punches Mary-Jane Watson in the face

If you feel like you would like to do any of the things I listed above, feel free to smoke pot. It probably won’t hurt anything, but be careful: You should add “getting arrested or fined because marijuana is illegal” to that list too. Oh, and if you're wondering about the eighth thing, it never even existed.


Advice
See above.


LSD
LSD
History
Some doctor in the 40s invented it and accidentally took some, and oh boy did he ever take a trip. He thought his neighbor was a witch, the furniture started talking to him (neat!), and then he imagined Einstein was chasing him around with a knife (Yikes). The government messed around with it for a while, and then decided to ban it.


Effects
  • Morphy
    Stuff goes morphing all over the place; you’ve never seen such morphing in your life. You can see a morphing chair! You can see a morphing picture on the wall! You can see the morphing face of Albert Einstein as he tries to slit your throat! Boy oh boy.

  • Colors & Trails
    Take some of this and you’ll probably be treated to a mindmade light show. Close your eyes, and colors whirl and twirl and swirl and every other kind of irl you can think of. As an added bonus, moving things leave a trail behind them. Imagine the good times your family will have seeing you waving your nephew’s toy covered wagon in front of your eyes while muttering, “Yyyeeeeeeeeee!!! It’s…it’s the Oregon Trail! I’ll choose the banker… the banker. Do you know, do you KNOW that he starts out with the most money. What? What was that?! I could have sworn I heard something sinister…”

    Oregon
    Cold... so very cold...

  • Badness
    Well, it isn’t such a hot idea to try and take this stuff if you’re in public or unsupervised. First of all, this crap is illegal. Secondly, depending on how messed up your head is to begin with, you might do some freaky things. Like, if you think you see the walls “breathing”, you might assume they are preparing to attack, and so decide to make a preemptive strike. Bashing holes in walls with hammers or other implements is usually frowned upon, especially if you’re in church like I was.

    You might also do something like to wandering onto a freeway to hug some traffic, climb inside dangerous pets, or even believe you need to purge an evil spirit from your skull with a power drill or handgun.

  • Baby Birthing Helper
    I hear that LSD causes uterine contractions, so maybe it would help a pregnant lady give birth to a baby. A person or doctor somewhere should try this out sometime! (Editor’s note: No.)

  • Cluster Headache Cure
    They say LSD can help with cluster headaches. I get some pretty bad headaches from time to time, but nothing compared to what a cluster headache sounds like. Somebody said they were worse than an amputation without anesthetic. An amputation of what, I don’t know. If it’s something like a penis or an eye, that would be pretty bad, but if it’s just like the lower part of your ear or the little toe on your foot, big deal. Go ahead and snip the useless thing off for all I care (the toe that is, not the other thing).

    Pi

  • Psychological Breakthroughs
    I think I heard something like LSD might help with psychiatry, but I don’t know how this would work. It might be funny though to be a psychiatrist and just mess with your patients after they’ve taken the drugs. At the beginning you can do small things like stop talking in the middle of a sentence and when they ask what you were going to say pretend you don’t know what they’re talking about. Then later you can bring in some harmless snakes and wave them in front of the person’s face while playing some really creepy electronic circus type music. Man that would be rich.

Advice
Yeah, I wouldn’t really mess around with this junk unless you really know what you’re doing. And if you ever do take it, don’t do it while watching Eraserhead in a crack den. Trust me.


Mushrooms (Psilocybin)
Mushroom
History
These things have probably been growing forever, so there’s really no need for any history. They are mushrooms that come from the ground. People eat them and have a weird old time. One thing I will put in here is that the Center for Disease control rated these mushrooms less toxic than aspirin. Yes, this is actually true. But don’t worry, it’s the only real fact you will find in here from now on, I promise.


Effects
  • Hilarity
    Sometimes these mushrooms will make you find any little thing (or nothing at all) extremely hilarious. You might see an old man roll his wheelchair down a steep flight of stairs into a some sort of canyon, and you might laugh more than usual. You might also continue laughing for 5 or 6 hours. Shame on you in either case.

    Wheelchair Suicide
    Don't do it!

  • One with the Universe
    You might feel as if your “self” has died, and begins to come together with the world around you. This can either be seen as “Duuuude, I am merging with the universe…” or “Oh sweet heavenly Christ on high, the universe is sucking me into it. Oh help. Please god help me. I’m so afraid. I’m so very afraid.” Fun huh?

  • Joy in the Little Things
    Self-help books and religions like to talk a lot about “finding joy in the little things” and many people find this very hard to do. Really all you need to do is eat some psilocybin and you’ll love the little things a little too much. If you ever see some guy in the park just sort of wandering around running his hand along the bark of trees, rubbing caterpillars on his face, or trying to have sex with the grass you’ll know he’s probably taken some of this stuff. Also, now would probably be a good time to go up and rob him if you’re some kind of criminal.

    Tree Hug
    Stop that immediately!



    Advice
    Go right ahead and take a few of these. As long as you're not performing complex surgery or driving it shouldn't hurt you.

    Continue to Part 2