Worthless Guide to Dating: Part 1

Dating
It seems to me that a lot of men are having trouble asking women out these days. Perhaps it’s our reliance on all these fancy new myspaces and craigslists and Billy Dee Williams dot coms and National Screaming Eagle Alliance of White Power Lovemeet forums; I’m not sure. But what I am sure of is that all you straight men need a wake-up call, and I’m here to give it to you. What ever happened to the good old days when a shrouded figure could approach a woman in a darkened alley and mutter something vaguely lewd? I’ll tell you what happened: Political correctness. It truly is a shame. But anyhow, here are some DO’s and DON’Ts that might help you get a date.




Bookstores



Bookstore


It is often said that bookstores are a marvellous place to meet women. I don’t know who said this, and maybe it’s true, but what kind of a way is that to phrase something? Marvellous? Who the hell do you think you are, Jay Gatsby? But hey, follow these rules while in a bookstore and women will probably be swarming all over you.


DO Sit in one of the chairs. I’ve seen that some fancy bookstores have armchairs people can sit in and read a book. I don’t understand it. Who is going to go to a bookstore and sit there reading in the middle of the aisle while guys in hemp shirts and twisty little beards whisk past you every few minutes looking for books on mushroom cultivation? So go ahead and sit there if you want to, maybe a woman will wonder the same thing I did and ask you why you're sitting there. I doubt it though.


DON’T Browse in the Games & Computers section. No woman is going to be impressed if they catch you perusing a copy of “How to Win at Online Poker”, "The Ultimate History of Video Games" or the Mass Effect strategy guide. Well I guess maybe some might. If you are one of these women, please contact me immediately because I do not believe you exist. 

Book Guy

DO Spend a little time to the Gay and Lesbian section. Check out a few books to show that you don’t discriminate. Just be careful not to seem too interested. Pick up a book, casually flip through it, and say aloud, “Hmm, all of these homosexuals certainly do lead difficult and complicated lives. I respect them and recognize them as human beings and believe in their rights, but not to the extent that I would be interested in engaging in intercourse with any of them, even though it would be completely moral and ethical for me to decide to do so. Boy, do I ever like women.” Then (gently) throw the book back onto the shelf.


DO Keep out of the science fiction section. Just keep out of there.



The County Fair



County Fair


All’s fair at the fair! Isn’t that a cute phrase? The answer is no. It is not. You had better not go around saying things like that around women or you’ll be killed. Check out these ladymeet tips for the fair.


DON’T Go to the fair all by yourself. Nothing looks more pathetic than a man walking around a fair by himself. What a loser! Oh, what are you gonna do today? Try to get the goats at the petting zoo to eat soup cans until their handlers kick you out? Stop by the arcade and waste two dollars trying to play a broken version of Top Skater? Or maybe you’ll go and ride the tunnel of love all by yourself and come out the other side rubbing your eyes and no you weren’t crying because two identical pieces of dirt got into both of your eyes at the exact same moment while you were inside and you were just trying to get them out OK so why don’t I lay off just lay off?

Iron Eyes Cody

DO Offer to win a girl a prize at the Hammer & Bell game. As you wander through the game section of the fair, you might notice a cadre of giggling girls near the strength-testing Hammer & Bell game. Simply walk up to a girl from one of these groups and say, “Pardon me little missy, perhaps you’d like me to win you a shiny new dolly by hitting this particular device with a mallet, thereby propelling a rubber bullet upwards and causing a bell to ring?” When she replies with “Uh, I’m twenty-seven years old, and why the hell are you talking like that? Get away from me.” shout “Never fear!” and heft the mallet over your head. The women should walk away and you will have tried your best.


DON’T Hit on any of the farm girls who’ve brought livestock to any of the animal competitions. These women might seem cute and bubbly, but many of them are vicious murdering Black Widow Spiders who want only to seduce a man and hollow him out to in order that she might live inside him during the frigid Midwestern winter. Haven’t you seen that movie Cocoon? Me either. I bet it was pretty scary.

Farmgirl

DO Bribe the ferris wheel operator to stop the wheel when your car is at the top. It is also your responsibility to ensure there is a woman in the car with you at this point. Now she will be a captive audience, and you can begin to charm her. Perform coin tricks; tell knock-knock jokes, sing the theme songs to early 90s sitcoms, do whatever you need to do. Obviously she will not be able to leave, and so will have to decide between giving you her phone number or plummeting 200 feet to her death. I usually find that there’s an 80% chance you’ll get her number this way. 




Also make sure you have a look at PART 2 in this series, where you'll learn even more (less) about dating and ladies and other pretty things.