Funny

By The Baron

There
is a difference between thinking you are funny, and knowing you are.
For example, a lot of kids in high school thought they were pretty
hilarious when they called me Fatchunk or threw a bean burrito at me
from across the room during lunch. These people thought they were funny
and they weren’t. I on the other hand, KNOW I am funny. Just mention
The Baron on any of the message boards I am most popular on, and they
will surely type out a hearty “LOL” upon even thinking about my various
jinks (high and low). But I’m not here to brag; I’m writing in
this third comedy article to educate the internet public about
something they do not truly understand: Comedy. So sit back, open a
sack of your favorite chips, and get ready to laugh.

Part 1 – Top 10 TV

Part 1 – Top 10 Movies

Part 3 – Real Life

Oral
Funny

Oral Funny

Always
be at the top of your game. A lot of great comedians like Carrot Top
are “on” all the time. Being “on” is a comedy term that means that
whether a person is buying an iced cream cone at a shop or standing in
line at the DMV, they will always have their mind ready for a
quick-witted response to any question. Here are some examples of what I
might say in various situations (keep in mind that you probably
wouldn’t be able to come up with anything as good as these, but
remember I’ve done a lot of practice in front of the mirror):

  • You
    are waiting at a bus stop and someone comes up and rudely asks “Is this
    the bus stop?” You would snap back with a line like “No, this is the
    idiot stop, and it looks like one just arrived: you.”
  • You
    are eating dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant and the waiter trips
    over the carpet and drops his tray. Wink and say, “Wow, it looks like
    you should have gone to walking school as well as waiter school!”
  • You
    step out of a building downtown and a homeless man asks, “Please sir,
    may I have some change?” Without missing a beat say, “Change? Why
    don’t you try a JOB for a change?” (In case some of you don’t get this
    one, it is funny because you turn around one of the words he says
    (change) and use it against him to remind him he is poor)
  • A
    police officer pulls you over for speeding. He walks up and you say,
    “Oh sorry officer, did you notice that I was doing DONUTS (emphasizing
    the word donuts and winking as I say it) in the street back there?”
    Cop Costume

  • A
    mother brings her child into a movie with her and the kid is making
    noise during the movie. Yell from the back of the theater “This looks
    like a good reason to allow abortions!” I think the rest of the people
    in the theater would applaud that one as well.

Now I
know some of these might seem a little mean to you, but you have to
understand how comedy works. Nothing is sacred in the world of comedy,
any target is OK (yes, even abortion and law men like sheriffs). You
didn’t see comedian Steve Chapelle editing himself on comedy central,
and he’s a millionaire now.

Visual
Funny

Visual Funny

Some of the best comedy in history has been what is called slapstick
comedy. Examples of this are in The
Simpsons
when homer hits his hand with a hammer and says
“Dope!” and when crooks get punched in the family jewels in Baby’s Day Out.
People love to see others being hurt, and you too can benefit from
this.
Any time you are out in public and you have an accident or do something
clumsy, have a special quip or performance piece ready to go. This way
instead of being the butt of a joke, you’re the comedian himself. Here
are a few examples:

  • You are at a department store and
    you (or a friend) slip on a beverage or vomit that has been spilled on
    the floor. Yell: “Cleanup on aisle 6!” (or whatever aisle you’re
    currently in).
    If you’re in for a more urban touch you can try: “Boy when those
    popular rap
    songs invited me to get my booty on the floor I took it too literally!”
  • While
    going through a security checkpoint somewhere you cause a metal
    detector to go off. You can shoot out with something like “Oh that’s
    just the metal plate in my head!” and knock on your head with your
    fist, making a clunk sound effect.
    Plate Head

  • When you bump into someone, instead of saying “excuse me”
    say “ex-squeeze me!”
  • If
    you accidentally spill a liquid on the front of your pants (making it
    appear you have peed your pants) come out of the bathroom and remark to
    the nearest person in a baby voice “Waaah! Momma me messed me diapy”
    and make a frowny face.


Insults
Insult

Sometimes
people just won’t play nice, and you have to be prepared to defend
yourself against their attacks. Luckily you have me on your side, and I
don’t pull any punches when it comes to insult comedy. Here’s your
guide to insults you might get, and comebacks for each one:

Insult: You’re
ugly.

Comeback: Your
butt and your face switched roles and now your face is your butt.

Insult: (You
do something stupid) Great job, loser!

Comeback: Yes,
I have a great job, and I make more money than you, here’s a dollar to
tell someone who cares.

One Dollar
Give them a real dollar for a regular laugh riot!

Insult: You’re
fat.

Comeback: Yeah,
and so is my brain, which is more than I can say for yours.

Insult: You’re
a nerd.

Comeback: Takes
one to know one, idiot.

Lard Nerd
This is one nerd (my friend Mark) you don't want to mess with!

Insult: ****
you!

Comeback: Oooh,
big words from such a little twerp!

Insult: (Insulting
a favorite band of yours) Such and such band stinks!

Comeback: Yeah,
let’s see you do it better, jerk.

Insult: Your
momma is fat!

Comeback: Your
momma is even fatter, so fat even that she’s even obese.

Fat Momma
Some of the funniest moments in comedy

have come from men in fat woman suits.

Insult: (They
beat you at something) Oh yeah, you suck!

Comeback: I’ll
show you how to suck!

This
should be enough information to get you started on your road to high
comedy. Just remember that the road is long and hard, but if you
perservere you can do it. I have faith in you!