Worthless Guide to Comedy - Part 2: Movies

Fims

By The Baron
Howdy folks, have yourselves a sit down and prepare to enjoy Part 2 of The Baron’s Guide to Comedy. In Part 1 I covered the best and worst of TV comedy, and in this portion I am going to reveal the winners and losers of comedy in film. If you were impressed by the amount I know about TV, you’ll be surprised to find that I know even more about movies!

Part 1 – Top 10 TV
Part 2 – Top 10 Movies
Part 3 – Real Life Comedy


Top 5 Comedy Films
There have been a lot of really great new comedians appearing on the television lately. Men like Dane Cook, Carlo Mencia, and comedian Kevin Smith have raised the bar for comedy to unreachable heights. But unfortunately none of these stars have raised themselves as high in comedy as these hilarious films have reached. Here are the top 5 comedy movies of all time:

1. Zoolander
Zoolander
Can you imagine a funnier premise than the one in Zoolander? In it, a sexy but dumb and lovable male supermodel rises to fame and fortune while meeting a bunch of wacky characters along the way. As I watch this movie I often wonder why the writers of junk like the Eddie Murphy / John Belushi film Trading Spaces got so much praise for their played-out plotlines and old jokes while films like Zoolander are ignored by the uneducated masses.

Not only is this movie a triumph of actor hilarity (can you ever really get enough of Ben Stiller or Will Ferrel?) but it also doesn’t shy away from controversial subjects such as brainwashing, killing, and murder. Protip: You can actually pick Zoolander up for a song anywhere that sells DVDs, making it one of the best “value per laugh” comedies ever.


2. Home Alone 2
Home Alone 2
No list of the best comedies would be complete if it didn’t include at least one film from this classic series. “My family’s in Florida, and I’m in New York?!” Every time I watch the part where little Kevin utter this line at the airport I nearly soil my pants. The look on the stewardesses face is priceless! This movie takes every child’s fantasies (being lost in the city alone & stealing money from their parents purse) and manages to make them funny as all get out!

I’ve seen this movie more than 44 times, and I still have trouble picking out my favorite lines, but I’ll give it a shot for my fans:

  • Kevin uses blow up clown to scare hotel manager Tim Robbins: “Look what you did you little jerk!”
    Tim Robbins

  • Kevin sneaks into central park inside a horse: “Kids are scared of the park…”
    Daniel Stern

  • Kevin turns up television volume to scare away room service: “You had sex with cliff the janitor!? (cracks me up every time)”
    Cliff

RIP Macauly Culkin, you will be missed, but every month I will surely watch you again to relive the memories of my childhood (actually I was 23 when this film came out, but I mean my inner childhood).


3. Dead Poets Society
Dead Poets Society
A lot of people might disagree with me on this one, but I would definitely rate this movie as one of the funniest of all time. I mean, Robin Williams is in it. Have you ever seen a Robin Williams movie that wasn’t great? I think not!

Some of the best comedies are dramas that balance up the heartache with laughter, and this film is no exception. I bawl myself to tears at certain scenes like the moonlit poetry reading (beautiful) and then can’t catch my breath from laughing so hard at scenes like the one when all the kids climb up on their desks! If only I would have had the guts to pull a prank like that on my teacher when I was in school…

But I digress, Dead Poetry Society truly is a triumph of comedy and drama, and it even includes a moral: “Don’t rock the boat or you’ll get fired.”


5. Epic Movie
Epic Movie
You might wonder why I skipped from movie 4 to movie 5 for this movie, but it’s just so good that I am going to count it as two films! From minds that brought you a few of the lines from the first two Scary Movie movies comes Epic Movie, a star-studded romp that traverses the globe for laughs! (If anyone from the studio is reading this, you can feel free to use that in a poster Or special edition DVD cover or whatever).

Epic Movie is the 3rd in a series of comedies. The first two films (Date Movie and High School Musical) were funny, but they didn’t gun my engine as much as Epic Movie. The film spoofs anything and everything mercilessly, no cow is too sacred: Paris Hilton (not to call her a cow, she is very beautiful), Harry Potter, Lord of Rings, and Star Wars.
Here are a few of the best jokes – SPOILERS AHEAD:

Samuel Jackson (on a plane full of snakes no less!) shouts the knee-slapper “I gotta get this mother-bleeping snakes off this mother-bleeping plane!” and throws a loud-mouthed woman out of the airplane because she was talking during the in-flight movie. That would be great enough on its own, but she lands on (get this) Paris Hilton!

Danny Glover
Danny Glover in a breakout role

A boy in Willy Wonka’s (played fantastically by Willard star Danny Glover) factory scarfs down what he believes to be a river of chocolate, only to find out that it’s poop!

The X-Teens (X-Men in highschool) meet up with X-man Angel in the hallway and make fun of him. He gets angry and spreads his wings, only to find that they are chickens wings instead of an angel’s! (This was funny but here’s a little tip for the writers: Having him lay an egg would have been even better).


5 Most Overrated Comedies
Of course with the good you also have the bad. It’s frustrating enough when you see a good film, but it’s even worse when it’s a movie that critics and everyone around you have been gushing about. What follows is the definitive list of the worst (and most popular) movies ever.

1. Back to The Future
Back to the Future
I never understood the draw of this movie, the premise behind it is completely ridiculous, and it certainly IS NOT a realistic portrayal of time travel. For that you should look to more scientific films like The Time Machine or The Butterfly (starring 70s Show alumni Ashton Kutchner).

More importantly though, this film is just not funny. The character Doc Brown is just crazy (making light of mental illness is not funny) and Michael J Fox (who was hilarious in Teen Wolf) is just phoning in his performance here. I also don’t appreciate the writers making light of a classic car like the DeLorean just because it was ahead of it’s time (What I wouldn’t give to see those writers faces now when DeLoreans are going for hundreds of dollars in Ebay!)

In my opinion, the only funny iteration of Back to the Future was the cartoon series; they certainly pulled out all the "laugh stops" for that particular show.


2. Caddyshack
Caddyshack
Alright, I get it already: Everybody thinks Caddyshack is the funniest film of all time. Well I’m here to tell you you’re wrong. Caddyshack is a racist, sexist and monogamist comedy that caters only to the common man. The story revolves around a golf club (and what’s funnier than golf, way to ruin a good premise) which is attended by rich people and poor people. The rich and the poor people fight, and in the end the only one who loses is the audience, because they’ve wasted 3 hours watching the most boring film of all time.

I was watching this movie as part of a film festival, and as all the audience members around me were cracking up all I could do is sit there and scratch my head. At one point I even cracked a joke “someone should call an animal abuse hotline on this movie” (because they were attempting to murder a gopher), but I think the joke went over the audiences head because nobody laughed and one thug even rudely told me to “shut up” and threw a crumpled Junior Mint box at me. I guess this shows the target audience for Caddyshack: Jerks.


3. The Aristocrats
Aristocrats
First of all let me say that I didn’t get off to a great start with this film. The only reason I even watched it was because I mistakenly rented it thinking that it was the classic Disney animated feature The Aristocats (the Blockbuster by my house doesn’t have photos on the boxes for their old films). Needless to say I was extremely shocked and appaled to find that instead of the light-hearted antics of a family of cute kitties, I was instead treated to a montage of “comedians” telling the world’s raunchiest joke again and again. I can’t go into specific detail about this film, but just let me say that I’ve never heard so many jokes addressing a serious subject like full family (grandmother, grandfather, and baby(!) included) “sex bangs” in my life. Also I have to say jeers to Bob Sagat for appearing in this terrible display. You’re better than this gross-out humor Bob.


4. Pretty Woman
Pretty Woman
I must admit, I’m a sucker for Julia Roberts. Something about her beauty just captivates me. I think I can also say the same thing about Richard Gere (in a completely not-sexual way, I’m not gay as far as I can tell) too. These two beautiful stars usually light up the screen in any film they appear in. Unfortunately this is not the case for Pretty Woman.

The film begins with Richard Gere soliciting a prostitute (or prosty as they are called on the streets) played by Julia Roberts, and ends with me turning off the film 20 minutes in because I am so offended by the subject matter it contains. Whatever this movie was attempting to be, it was certainly NOT funny. Mr. Gere, your namesake King Richard III would be ashamed of you for taking a seedy role such as this, and I am too.


5. Naked Gun
Naked Gun
Where can I begin with this disaster? Naked Gun stars Leslie Neilsen (a man with a girls name, great start) as an NYPD police officer Frank Darabont. He goes around solving cases with his partner who is played by OJ Simpson. Let me just say right now that I don’t endorse this films attempt at controversy by employing a known murderer, they were obviously just trying to get publicity for the film. Not that I'm saying OJ was guilty, but I do think he probably killed that woman (To paraphrase attorney Jackie Mason: "If the shoe fits, you must aquit").

This tired old film tries so hard to be funny, but it is simply unrealistic and makes no sense. In real life would a police officer be able to ram into parked cars and survive? In real life would an American police station have a BRITISH gadget-maker? In real life would a police officer grope the Queen at a baseball game for a cheap thrill? The answer to these questions is probably no, and that’s why this film fails. If I don’t believe the characters are real then I can’t laugh with them. I’m proud to say I didn’t even crack a smile once during this film, and I'm usually all smiles in the theater.


Thanks for educating yourselves with my list of great and terrible films, I assume you’ve found me entertaining, and remember: You can’t learn good taste; it has to be in your genes.
Baron, out.



Reader Mail

John says:

Your list of comedies pretty much sucks. I mean seriously, ZOOLANDER? Epic Movie? I didn't realize fourteen-year olds were allowed to have sites like this. You pretty much lack credibility when you can't even name an intelligent comedy. I suggest a slitting-of-the-wrists, that 'might' solve your problem...then again, dumbasses will continue making crappy lists like that anyway. But I guess it's "cool" these days for children to dislike anything popular...and LIKE things designed for those in our society who are less intelligent, like yourself.
Have a nice day :)


The Baron responds:
Oh my, how to respond to such a letter. I get hatemail all the time, but this letter really takes the bait. First of all, you say my list "pretty much sucks". A lesser man might respond with a crack about your mother, but fortunately for you, a lesser man I am not.

I need to correct you on a few points, first of all I am not 14 years old, I am more than double that age (and a very experienced lover thank you very much!) and I also don't "have a site like this" I wouldn't claim to own a site such as this, I only allow the editor to publish my articles in an attempt to class this place up a bit.

Fifthly, if you can't see the subtle comic beauty and timing of a film like Epic movie, perhaps you should just take another hit off your mary jane bong (this is in reference to the fact that you most likely smoke marijuana cigarettes). Most likely films like my top 5 simply went over your head. There's a little something called high comedy in this world, perhaps you should look it up some time!

Finally, to respond to your petty insult (I don't know why I do at all, it is like an eagle responding to the insults of a ferret!) just let me say that sometimes those who call others unintelligent are even more dumber themselves. Ouch, call an ambulance buddy because you just got third degree burned.