These Horrible Self Defense Tools Will Make You Dead

Self Defense ToolsBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
I consider myself to be something of a consumer advocate when it comes to the internet. There is so much misinformation floating out there on the cybernet that it's ridiculous. In a PREVIOUS ARTICLE I revealed the greatest self-defense tools of all time, and also let readers in on what I personally used to defend myself and my flock.

Now I'm going to show you the WORST self-defense tools and methods of all time (many of which are said to be "the best" by various internet sources). Just remember, when you need to know who and what to trust, you can always count on me, The Baron, to set the record straight.
 
Now, let's bust these lies down to size!
 
 

Flashlight

FlashlightGone are the days of lugging around a torch or heavy maglite. These days there is electric light nearly everywhere you go, so a flashlight is as unnecessary as they come. The good ones are FAR too heavy, and even if the lights do manage to go out (not going to happen), you can still see by the light of the midnight moon or simply wait for your eyes to adjust. It's orca's razor: The simplest solution is always the best.
 
And anyway, shining around a flashlight in a combat situation is a good way to get yourself killed. Nice job showing the enemy exactly where you are, IDIOT.
 
 

Pepper Spray

Pepper SprayUh, OK, maybe an old woman might carry this in her purse because she saw it on an episode of Oprah, but really pepper spray isn't going to do anything but anger your attacker, thus increasing his strength. Do you really believe a killer is going to back off simply because you've made his eyes water? Please.
 
Also what happens if your attacker...
  • Ducks under the spray
  • Closes his eyes
  • Is wearing a gas mask or welding goggles
  • Is immune to pepper (many people are)
  • Is allergic to pepper and dies (hope you like prison!)
  • Is already blind (not going to do much is it?)
So as you can see, pepper spray leaves a lot to be desired. Spend that seven dollars on a few hours of marital arts training instead.
 
 

Cellphone

Giant PhoneNow before you get all indignified, I'm not saying cellphones are useless. Obviously they are not. What I'm saying is that cellphones are useless AS SELF-DEFENSE TOOLS.
 
I've seen plenty of so-called "experts" telling people to always have a phone with you to call the police during a self-defense emergency. This really burns me up inside. Have these people ever TRIED to call the police? If you can even get through to 911 I would be shocked. Then it takes a minimum of 15-30 minutes before the police even arrive at the scene. By then you wifey-poo will be dead, or worse! NEVER trust the cops. Trust your skills.
 
And on a lighter note, even hitting with or throwing the phone at people no longer works. Back in the good old days when cellphones first came out you'd have a better time taking someone out with one. They were brick-heavy, and also came with a large briefcase you could clunk someone in the head with. Not so anymore. I'd be surprised if you could crush a bumbles bee with a modern cellphone.
 
 

Bonus Protips!

Of course I would be doing a grave misservice to my readers if I were not to include some actual GOOD self-defense tips, so here are a few of my favoritos.
 

Keep In Shape

SportsStaying in shape can be tough, but it's important to realize how important fitness is in survival situations. It can mean the difference between dodging an attackers shriken and getting one planted square in your forehead, so yeah, I'd say you should keep in shape. My own personal regimen of 5 Squat-Thrusts, 10 Military Style Pushups, 12 Jumping Jacks, and 26 air punches in front of the TV each morning seems to do the trick nicely (which is to say, I've caught the ladies I encounter around town catching an eyeful of me from time to time, if you catch my drift).

Learn to Parktour

This may seem like a pretty out-of-this world tip, but let me tell you, Parktouring has gotten me out of more than a few scrapes and tussles in my time. But first, for those of you who are unaware, Parktouring is the the ability to climb, jump, and leap around normal everyday environments (such as stairs, parking ramps, and vending machines). Personally I am a highly proficient parktourer (self-taught, natch) and can pretty much get anywhere I want, no matter what sort of obstacles are put in my path.
 
So my advice to all you self-defense wannabes out there is "Learn Parktouring". Just imagine being able to shimmy up a light pole, dash across the power lines, and jump to a nearby roof when confronted by a knife-wielding attacker, and you'll see how this could be a useful skill!

Stick To The Shadows

We've all seen this so-called "safety" advice: Stick to well lit areas. Bullpoop. Consider this pick-your-own-adventure situation: You are a woman walking home from work one night. You have two choices of ways to take, CHOOSE WISELY:
 

LightDark1. Well-Lit Street

You look down this street and see plenty of lights, although it looks deserted. However, it IS very well lit.
 

2. Dark Street

You can't see anything down this street. It's pitch black. Even though you are afraid of the dark, you think you should be able to make it down if you go slowly.
 

RESULTS

Alright, now here is what happened to you (WARNING this is not for kids as it can get pretty graphic).
 

1. Well-Lit Street

Sex ShopYou start heading down the well-lit street. You are halfway down when all of a sudden you realize why the street had so many lights: It's the Red Light District! Unfortunately you just hadn't noticed what color the lights were when you looked down the street because you had orange sunglasses on. There is no turning back now though, so you move forward, back to the wall. All of a sudden, as you pass by a sex shop, the owner leaps out and grabs you! "Oh no! You yell, "Help help!" but nobody hears you. The man pulls you inside the sex shop and you get killed.
 

2. Dark Street

FamilyYou creep down the dark street, cloaked in a cloak of shadows. You are a cat. You are a ninja, and nobody can see you. Halfway down you hear the unmistakable sound of footsteps.

You can tell from listening to them that they are the footsteps of a murderer. Luckily since it is so dark he doesn't even see you and walks by. You arrive home safe and kiss and hug your husband and three kids goodnight.
 
 
This example might seem pretty extreme to some of you, but let me insure you, both cases are 100% TRUE and have happened to people I know in real life. The bottom line is this: LIGHT CAN BE YOUR ENEMY. So if given the choice between a dimly-lit stairwell and a brand new elevator, choose the stairs every time. Take a lesson from ninjitsu: If your attacker cannot see you, he cannot hit you. If only such things were taught in American schools more dead kids might be alive today...
 
 
 
Thank you very much for taking the time to educate yourselves on this subject, and if you have any questions, comments, or kudos for me, feel free to CONTACT ME.
 
Stay frosted out there folks!