By Martin "The Baron" Russmier
I'm just going to skip the festivities here and delve right into the meat of the second part of my review of The Watchman. Just fair warning though: This review is going to be a bit different from most of the reviews I write. I won't attempt to retell each plot point of the film blow-by-blow for y'all here (that would get boring quick, seeing as this movie is about 4 hours long).

Instead, I've decided to write this as sort of a Parent's Guide to The Watchman. I know I saw a few families in the theater when we viewed the film, so I figured there might be one or two hesitant daddies and mommies out there wondering if this film is appropriate for little Junior. So read on to find out how I rate this movie in four categories: Sex, Violence, Drugs, & Swearing!

Oh, and if you haven't checked out part 1 of this review yet, it's located RIGHT HERE.

Sex

Overview

Surprisingly (and thankfully) enough, there actually isn't too much sex in this movie. Going in, I figured there would be quite a bit of hanky-panky (seeing as this is an adaptation of an x-rated book) but I was pleasantly surprised to find that the sex they did include was (on the most part) pretty tasteful.

Regular Sex

You get a sex scene between the Silk Scepter and The Owl, in which they first grope a bit on the couch in the living room, and then move on to have sweet love in The Owl's spaceship during a daring rescue of some kids from a burning building (don't worry, the kids are in the other room of the ship when it happens). Before this, we also get a short scene where the blue guy has a bit of an orgy with the Silk Scepter (yeah, she gets around!). Technically though, I don't know if this would be considered an orgy because the 5 or 6 men involved are all clones of the blue guy. Fair warning though.

Raping

Listen up: The Watchman has some scenes involving un-consentual sex. So if any of you parents out there have problems with your kids watching brutal sex crimes, take note of this. Personally I would not let any child under the age of eight watch a rape scene, but that's just me.

Violence

Of course this movie has violence. What movie doesn't? But aside from a few scenes of torture, some vietnamese being burned alive, The Comedian butchering up a midget in a prison restroom, and Dr. Manhattan spraying the ceiling with some bad dude's entrails, there really aren't too many things in this film that I think would upset a small child or toddler. Infants would definitely be alright too, because heck, babies don't even know where they are, let alone whether or not a stereotypical asian in a triangular hat is being cooked alive on a movie screen.

One thing I didn't care for at all though, was that The Watchman murdered this child-rapists dog in the scene before he tortured the man and then sawed off his head. You can kill all the humans you want, pal, but once you lay a finger on a pooch you're gonna have to answer to me. There is no excuse for this, and the folks who made this film better just hope nobody at the NAACP was watching during this scene.

Drugs

Luckily, there isn't any drug use in this movie that I'm aware of. I have to commend the filmmakers for this. It would've been easy to turn the Comedian into a marijuana-crazed madman, but they took the high road and made him an alcoholic instead. And FYI (before you send me any emails): Alcohol is not a drug. I've had an alcoholic mother and two alcoholic fathers (regular and step), and I don't appreciate anyone calling them junkies. Get with the picture.

But jeepers, drugs are for the weak anyway, so stay in school, kids!

Swearing

Boy oh boy, this is where this movie drops the ball. I don't think I've heard so many M-Ffers, S's and B-Holes spouted in my entire life. It seemed every other line in this movie was a cuss. Is this really necessary? They say profanity is the lowest form of communication, and after watching this movie, I can definitely agree. What's wrong with having a character say “shoot” or “crap” once in a blue mood? It's a heck of a lot more classy than dropping the C, R, and H bombs every time you open the festering sewer under your nose. I think I even heard a character take the lord's name in vain, not once, but TWICE. That's pretty offensive, even to a Wiccan like myself.





Well, I hope this guide has been of help to all you parents out there. I know it's helped out a few of my nephews and nieces. Hopefully one day I'll have a few little Baron's of my own and I can take them to see this film when they're old enough. But you can be sure I'll be watching with the sound turned off! The last thing I need is my four year old daughter calling me a C-Bone.

Thanks, and god Bless! :)