The Baron's Film Korner: Watchmen

WatchmenBy Martin "The Baron" Russmier
Howdy folks! Welcome to another edition of The Baron's Film Korner. I am, of course, The Baron (AKA Martin Russmier), and I will be your host for today's festivities. The film I will be discussing today is Zach Schnieder's The Watchman. This is obviously a really popular film, and I'm going to assume that all of my readers have already seen it, so consider this a SPOILER WARNING SIGNAL! But if you didn't see The Watchman already, what are you waiting for!? Drop what you're doing and go see it post-haste!

This will be part 1 of my review, in which I'll go through each of the characters one by one, and one at a time, describing their strengths and weaknesses. Enjoy!


The Watchman

WatchmanLet's dig into the supercharacters this deeply-plotted thriller. The movie begins by introducing us to the Watchman himself. He roams the dark city streets (of whatever crazyed-out city this movie takes place in) wearing an ink blot mask and reigning terrors down upon the evildoers he sees.

The actor who plays the watchman is supposedly a pretty good actor, but the only other movie I've seen him in was this movie called Little Children (a chick-flik which my large, brassy, and beautiful girlfriend Tina forced me to watch one night), where he plays a child raper who lives with his mother. This movie was literally too strange for words. Let's just say that by the end of the film, this “raper” character is swinging on a swing in the park at night and wearing a bloody diaper because he cut off his own man-junk with a knife (spoiler warnings) while Rose from Titantic looks on horror. What the heck is that all about? Now I'll never be able to watch my fav lovers of all time (Jack & Rose in Titantic) without thinking about some kid-toucher sawing off his woo-woo. Oh brother!


OwlThe Night Owl (AKA The Owl)

The owl is the one character in the film I can relate to on a basic level. He's smart, caring, and has the boyish good looks to go along with it. When I looked him up for this article, I saw that the owl was played by someone named Pat Wilson. I don't know who that is.

Anyhow, whoever this guy is, he does a servistable job of the whole deal, but I still think they should've tapped my main man hip-hop rapper Will Smith for the role. Would it hurt these films to feature coloreds as heroes once and a while? Talk about living in the stone ages...


Doctor Manhattan

Doctor ManhattanThis is the character most of you will be familiar with from the trailer. This glowing blue man was given superpowers by a fatal dose of radiation he received while working in a power plant of some sort. His powers include the ability to see the future, stop bullets, give people cancer, and build machines by floating the pieces around the room. He can also create three copies of himself and then make them “have love” to a woman while he works on a project in the other room.


It also doesn't hurt this film's sex appeal that the good doctor is played by scrumptious black irish actor Billy Crudup (star of such films as Bloody Monday and I BELIEVE that one movie british about the dancing kid whose father thinks he is gay). I have to admit: I'm about as manly and heterosexual as they come, but every time I saw mr. Crudups little dangler there on the screen (doctor manhattan wears no pants) my heart would skip a beat and I would clutch Tina's hand just that much tighter.

Wow.


Silk SpectreThe Silk Scepter

There isn't too much to say about the silk scepter, other than that she's supposed to be pretty good-looking. Personally, I prefer my women to fill out ALL parts of a spandex jumpsuit (not just the boob section) so I wasn't really to sweet on this little lady.

But, I guess she does what she's supposed to do, provides some thrills and spills so all the slobbering little fratboys out there can get their jolly-jollies and pop pup tents in their seats.

Grow up, you toads.


The Comedian

ComedianThere isn't anything funny about this character (which is ironic seeing as he is called the comedian) who is played by actor Robert Downing Junior (of Iron Man fame), the comedian is a rough and tumble cattleman type, just without the ten gallon hat. He can draw a gun faster than you can shout “beetleborgs!” and he huffs and puffs and chomps away at his cigar all day, until the cows come home to roost.

Yes, the comedian is one tough cookie, but he isn't exactly a femenist. A few of his scenes in this movie really brought my stomach to a boil. The first is where he murders a Chinawoman in a bar during the Vietnam war. She enters the bar, offers to buy him a drink, and then informs him that she's pregnant. The baby is his, obviously. So instead of chatting it out with this young woman, what does he do? He murders her by shooting her in the head until she dies.

Although this is supposed to be a pretty serious scene in the film, I couldn't help but quip when she dropped to the ground. I said: “Nice on buddy, you just killed your own kid!” Needless to say, this caused my friend Sam and I to break down laughing/crying during the next 5 minutes of the film. And to all the fuddy-duddies who shushed us: Last time I checked it a was a free country. My grandfather didn't die in Korea so his grandson would be harassed in a movie theater by some corn shucking hayseeds in the front row of the movie theater.



OzymandiasOzymandias

Finally we come to ozymandias. Frankly I don't have much to say about this character. His appearance in this film puzzles me a great deal. He only shows up in the first half of the movie to do a couple of scenes in his office tower. Then he disappears, never to be seen again. What in tarnation is this all about!?

I certainly would have killed to see how the character of this fascinating (and dreamy!) blonde hottie plays out, but apparently the Zack Snyders didn't find it necessary to finish all the plots he started.





That's all I've got for the first round of my Watchman extravaganza, stay tuned to this site for my second portion, in which I discuss the plot of the movie in greater detail.


Baron, out.