The Baron's Guide to Bullying: Part 1

BullyingBy Martin “The Baron” Hubley
Believe it or not, I was actually subjected to a good deal of bullying in my grammar school days. I suppose the other kids were jealous of my superior brain-power, and they bullied me in an attempt to cut me down to their intellectual size. Of course it didn’t work.

See, I had this mantra, and I would chant it aloud as I walked through the halls: “You can try to smash my sandwich at lunch, but I will snatch it from your hand: Hyah! You can try to throw a landscaping brick at me during gym, but I will dodge it with the speed of a majestic lioness: Rowr! And you can try to elbow me off the auditorium stage, but I will sprout dragon’s wings and fly off to glorious lands: Whoosh!” I think this made bullies think twice before giving me grief.

What is Bullying?

Boy oh boy, I think any kid who has been picked-on can tell you the answer to this! But for parents and teachers, recognizing bullying is probably not so easy. Here are some sample situations. See if you can tell which are bullying, and which are not.

Situation 1

TestTommy is sitting in calculus and accidentally makes water in his pants. One of the other kids sees this and asks (pretty loudly) if Tommy has peed his pants. Then all the other kids in the class stand up to look. One other kid comes closer and says “He did piss, oh my god! It smells sooo bad!” and the whole class begins to laugh. Tommy runs out of the class and hides in a bathroom stall and doesn’t come out until 6pm when some janitor comes in and makes me leave.

Is It Bullying?

Yes, of course it is. The bully who saw the urine should have minded his own business and kept it to himself.

Situation 2

BikesJimmy is on the way to the comic store on a Saturday when a group of boys on trick bikes rides by and one of them yells “Heeeey fatty, nice fatpants!” and then they all speed off laughing. One of them also throws a plastic drink bottle into the grass.

Is It Bullying?

Definitely. The comment about the pants was obviously meant to be sarcastic. Anyway, it’s likely that Jimmy isn’t even fat. He probably just can’t exercise because of asthma and has Supertasters which means he can’t eat vegetables or health food without gagging (look it up people). Also, littering is a pretty serious crime.

Situation 3

GirlsEvery day while Sally is in the library studying, a group of girls from her class (not her friends) come and sit at her table. They begin making fun of the cheap clothes Sally wears, telling her she is ugly, and saying how they saw her mom at the supermarket and her mom had short hair and how they bet she is a lesbian. Sally begins to cry every time and the girls all walk away laughing.

Is It Bullying?

Not really. First of all, women technically cannot bully (of be bullied). Ever since the so-called “women’s rights movement” women have been trying to take away everything that makes men different. First we give you the right to vote, then you want the right work jobs, and now you want bullying too? What’s next, equal pay? Please. Women are wearing away at the moral foundations of this country. Oh, and also, they tend to be oversensitive, like Sally here. Get over it girlfriend.


Now that you know what bullying is, I’ll go ahead and teach you how to respond to it (the verbal portion anyway). Whenever someone insults you, you should be able to snap back with some witty report that will leave them speechless. This section is mostly directed at kids, but adults who are being bullied might find some helpful tips here too.


YellingBully: Hey nice shirt, did your lesbo mom buy it for you at K-Mart with her welfare check?
You: Actually, she did. Thanks for the compliment!

What we’re doing here is called “turning the table”. The bully came in expecting you to be hurt by his comment, but now he thinks you’re happy about it! Boy, I’d love to see the bully’s face when you lay this gem down.


LockerBully: (In the locker room before the big game) Hey nice boobies! Look everyone, Jason has fat boobies on his fat woman chest! (flicks your nipple).
You: Oh yeah! I like that! Do that to me again big boy! I love it when a big strong man like you touches me in my lady parts. (Begin moaning gently).

This might seem like a bad idea, but I have the feeling it would probably work. If you’ve got breasts, you’re probably pretty fat. So the guy flicking you probably isn’t into fat guys, so he will be confused and leave you alone forever now.

Either that or he’ll be happy you like him, and perhaps the two of you can go out on a date. See, bet you didn’t think you would ever be in love with a bully, but now you see it can actually happen!


KidsBully: You’re ugly. Everyone in this school hates you and they think you’re ugly too.
Everyone Else in the School: Yeah, that’s pretty much right.
You: Oh yeah, well guess what people: I’m sweet, I’m sassy, and I’m confident in myself, so all of you can go to H (don’t actually swear, it’s a sin.) Also, you might be interested to know that my motherand all my aunts and uncles actually think I’m a pretty sexy guy, so I don’t need your approval. I’m OK with being me!

I’ve got no doubt that all your bullies mouths will be hanging wide open after you come out with that little doozy! “Wow!” they’ll say, “He’s cool, he’s confident, and he’s in the zone! Maybe we were all a bit hard on him. I guess we can be friends after all. Let’s go play lazer tag! Come on Tony, let’s go, you’re one of us now! We all love you! Horray!”

In the next section of this article we’ll cover physical bullying, as well as fighting techniques. I hope you check it out, because I think you’ll find that battling bullies can actually be fun!