The Baron's Guide to Bullying: 2

DefenseBy Martin “The Baron” Russmier
A bully can hurt others in many ways. They can damage someone emotionally (with harsh words or deeds), but they can also damage them physically. I’ve had my share of run-ins with bullies. I’m ashamed to admit that in my lifetime I’ve been “beaten up” more times than I can remember. But then, on my 30th birthday, I made a pact with myself: I decided I wasn’t going to be pushed around anymore. So, I decided to learn self-defense, and created a training regimen for myself.

Now its six years later and I’m ready to fight! I am proficient in almost every form of martial art you can imagine. I know Karate, I know Kendow, and yes, I even know Tai-Bo. Yeah, laugh if you want, but you won’t be laughing long when I break out my patented Tai-Bo “Fury of Blows”. Now here’s how to put a bully in his place.  

Basic Techniques

Obviously I can’t teach you martial arts through an online article. I might know magic, but not that kind (I’m more proficient in the dark arts). If you truly want to master these methods you should take up some training yourself. I recommend private study using films, the internet, and books.  Martial arts classes are a waste of money. Now let’s check out each of my styles in detail.



Seagal20This is a hybrid style (which means I took two styles and combined them) loosely based on Steven Seagul’s personally created fighting style, and the type of hand-to-hand fighting taught by Emperor Qui-Gon Jin in the highly underrated Star Wars Episode 1: The Clone War.

It’s tough to pin down and describe, but all I really need to say is that anyone who takes me on while I’m this mode is going to have a darn hard time even hitting me once.


  • Deadly Target
    DisarmWatch out! Well, actually if I am doing this move you’d have a hard time seeing me at all, let alone watching out. This is pretty much Qui-Gone’s speed running combined with a Seagul wrist twist at the end of it. It is mostly used to disarm gunmen.
  • The Force Breaker
    This move is deadly, and certainly is a "force" to be reckoned with, as anyone who has seen any of Mr. Seagul’s films can attest. It consists of me slapping my open palm up into the bully’s face, and breaking their nose. Be careful, this might kill someone!

Cat’s Pryde


CatThese moves are taken from real-life situations: Nature. Cats are deadly creatures, and these moves are all based on ones I have seen cats performing throughout the workday.

Also, as an Otherkin (for more info on this SEE HERE) I certainly know a lot about how animals think. It takes a special type of person to get into the mind of a beast. A deadly person. Just imagine upsetting a sleeping lion in the forest and multiply that by a thousand if you'd like to imagine the fury of these attacks.


  • KickCatseye
    This move is actually quite simple. Cats are stealthy creatures, and this move honors that tradition. I run from my attacker and hide around a corner or in a darkened room. When they approach, I leap out and paw at the air menacingly while hissing “Catseye!” It might seem ridiculous, but it can actually be pretty intimidating.
  • Puma Kick
    One day on a nature show I saw cats using their legs to paw at a dead animal in order to put it out of its misery. So I designed this move to take advantage of the leg strength we humans possess, but rarely use. For this move I plant my hands on the floor and kick up and out behind me with my back legs, striking my attacker in the face and eyes. Yowch!

There are about a hundred more moves, but I don’t really have enough time to list them all now. Maybe one day I’ll take the time to write them all down so you’ll all have a reference guide to look over.

Advanced Technique: Using Your Environment

Runner20I have also learned a martial art called Free Runner (also known as ParkTour, in Spain, where it was originally founded) where “runners” use every piece of their environment to their advantage in order to achieve a goal. In my case, this goal is to utterly destroy and humiliate a bully.

Training is not difficult, and it can actually be fun. My monthly Free Runner training sequence takes place at a local playground/park. These places are a heck of a lot of fun, and you can do plenty of creative things in your routine here. If you want a better idea of what goes on, here’s a sample “line” I might take through the park.

  1. FenceI begin by standing on a bench at the edge of the grounds.

  2. I then leap off the bench, scissor kick in mid-air, and hit the ground running. I usually shout “yeah!” at this point, to psyche myself up a bit.

  3. I dash at full speed in to the gravel playground area (running on gravel is great training; you’ll find it’s quite difficult!) and use my momentum to run up one of the slides (without using my hands, mind you).

  4. At the top of the slide I stop and do a few air punches (making sure to exhale and cry “Iyah!” on each one) and then continue straight ahead towards the monkey bars.

  5. Upon reaching the monkey bars, I assess the situation and choose one of two methods: 

    A. If they are clear, I go across them (now this is key) SKIPPING a bar on each swing. Using every bar is for the birds. Every-Other is the Free Runner’s claim to fame.

    B. If there is a child on the bars, I pull myself up ON TOP of them and proceed to walk across using only my feet with my arms behind my back. Now, this is pretty dangerous and should not be attempted by beginning Free Runners

  6. MonkeybarsAt the end of the bars, I climb down to the lowest rung of the ladder, and attempt to make the jump to the grass without touching any gravel (this is a very difficult jump to make).

  7. If I successfully make the jump, I head over to the Italian Ice stand nearby and reward myself with a couple Tutti Fruities. If not, I force myself to do the ENTIRE course again. Remember: The most important part of training is self-discipline.

Many times I get angry looks, or even yelled at by parents or security in the park. Just to inform any them that might be reading this: Even though you might not like it, I am actually not breaking any law. Whoever said parks were just for children? Not me, that’s for darn sure! I'm a child at heart.

That should about wrap up this portion of our training. In the next segment I plan to cover weapons-based fighting, and possibly some gun safety. I’ve technically never used a gun though (pacifist) so I might have to do some reading up on this beforehand. Remember if you haven’t already, check out BULLYING PART 1 to see what the fuss is all about. Stay safe out there boys and ghouls!