Animal Awards: Pigs

Pig FattyAlright, let’s be completely honest here: This is no longer a series dedicated to recognizing the achievements of animals. This is not by design; it’s just the way it happened to play out. See, animals (even fictional ones) almost never do anything worthwhile.

What’s the point of commending the best of the worst? There isn’t one. So from now on, I’m using this space as a platform for rants against lazy animals I hate. And few animals are as worthless as the pig, so I’d better get started on them.


Wilbur

Wilbur DepressedThe story goes like this: Wilbur is a whiny little pig who doesn’t want to be butchered up and eaten. He squeals and cries incessantly about it for a few days, until finally one of his friends, a spider (don’t ask me) comes up with a plan to shut him up: She weaves a bunch of messages in webs above his pen. This has to be the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard, but whatever, I guess a spider did come up with it. You can’t expect too much.

But anyway, the spider starts weaving these weird advertisements into webs above his pen at night. So when the humans head out to the pig pen the next morning, they find the lazy pig sleeping in the dirt, and a web above his head which says something like “Way to go!” or "Magic!" and the humans are very impressed, and decide not to kill the pig. Then they put him in a fair, the spider dies, and all the kids watching learn some deep lesson about the ephemeral nature or life. Whatever.

Charlies WebI have a few problems with this story. First of all, it annoys me that the humans were so impressed with this pig. You idiots, obviously the pig didn’t write that message. It is a SPIDER WEB! Forget the stupid pig for a minute and CAPTURE THAT SPIDER WHO CAN COMPREHEND FUCKING ENGLISH.

Seriously! While you hayseeds were out prancing around the county fair singing some song about a pig whose only skill seems to be overemotional sobbing, the most significant scientific discovery of the century was dying in the rafters of a rotting barn. Well done, you hicks.


War Pigs by Black Sabbath

Black SabbathAlthough this isn’t actually a pig, there are some concerns relating to this song I’d like to address. One of the lyrics goes like this:

“Politicians hide themselves away, they only started the war. Why don’t they come out to fight, they leave that all to the poor. Aaaww lord yeah! (guitar riff)”

This question seems to be the main focus of the song, but I think maybe Mr. Osbourne wouldn’t have asked it if he had a better understanding of how our political system functioned.

Mark UdallIf I could just quickly remind him that politicians are the old out-of-shape doughy guys who sit behind desks in Washington, and that SOLDIERS (usually younger, mentally and physically fit men and women) are the ones who do the fighting in wars. There’s a good reason behind this: It is their job and they asked to do it.

A politician’s job is to work in politics, and, funny as it might be to imagine Colorado state senator Mark Udall charging over a dune clutching an assault rifle and tossing bundles of C4 into baby carriages, it probably won’t win any wars. So dry up, you Black Sabbath junkies.



Spider-Pig

SpiderOH MY GOD! BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA IT}"S FUNNY!~! LISTEN: HE TOOK THE PIG AND MADE IT WALK ON THE ROOF AND IT MADE BROWN ON THE ROOF AND HE SUNG A SONG: SPIDER PIG\S! SPIDER MAN! –BUT- WITH A PIG IN THE NAME!

THAT HOMOR SIMPSIN IS DEFINTITE ONE FUNNY GUY… YOU SHOULD HAVE A LOOK AT ON THAT PIGS FACE! I LOOOVE THE SIMPLSONS!  



Three Little Pigs, The

Three PigsThree pigs build houses. One builds a house of straw, one of sticks, and one of bricks. Why they are doing this I do not know. Guess they just got that carpenter’s itch. But as the straw and sticks pigs quickly find out, not everyone is fit to be a carpenter, as both of their houses collapse almost immediately when blown upon by a wolf. Let me just restate that: Their houses collapse when a wolf blows on them. He doesn’t throw himself against them, he doesn’t even have to put his forelegs on the walls and push, he just blows on them and they collapse. Unbelievable.

I mean, aren’t you pigs WEAVING at all? You gotta interlace that crap; you can’t just stack up a bunch of sticks and expect the thing to hold, it’s ludicrous. What the hell did you think was going to happen!? Rrrrrrg! You pigs make me so angry!

Anyway the wolf comes and blows over the first two houses, and then the brick pig lets the other two inside, where they live out the rest of their lives safe from the wolf. So I guess I'll close with the apparent moral of this story:
 

It doesn’t matter if you do shoddy work, because someone will always be there to save your ass when your laziness catches up with you.