Animal Awards 2: Bears

Teddy RuxpinWithin the animal kingdom I have to assume bears are seen as somewhat of a success story (at least when it comes to show business). I bet you can’t even think of a single television program, business, or radio show which doesn’t prominently feature a bear in some way. Go ahead and try. I’ll wait.

OK. You back? Did you actually try it? If you did, I’m sure you were probably able to think of about a hundred things which don’t involve bears at all. I guess you called my bluff, and I hope you’re satisfied. But in any case, here are my awards for Worst Famous Bears Ever.

The Goldilocks Bears

Goldilocks BearsOK you bears, let me get this straight: Some nosy, high-maintenance girl breaks into your house, rifles through your things, eats a bunch of food which obviously does not belong to her, and then proceeds to sleep in your beds. You come home, discover what’s happened, and what do you do? You throw her out! Disgraceful.

I think you bears have forgotten your roots. Let me refresh your memory: The bear punishment for trespassing is mauling. Plain and simple. That girl broke into your home, bears, YOUR HOME! If that isn’t a maulable offense, I don’t know what is. At the very least you should’ve torn some hunks of skin from her back, or mangled up her face a little.

And don’t get me started on your lifestyle. Bears living in a house? Bears eating porridge? Bears sleeping in beds?! What a bunch of phonies. You bears need to take a good look at yourselves in the mirror (which, might I add, you should not own because you are bears). This sort of behavior might be excusable for pigs, but you’re supposed to be ferocious carnivores. Smarten up.

Smokey (The) Bear

Smokey BearAt first glance, this bear might seem alright, but really he’s just as disgraceful as any other bear on this list (if not more so). The same things I said for the Goldilocks bears goes double for him. As a bear, if you want to discourage people from starting fires, you don’t go on television and ask politely, you get your ass out there and start butchering up some campers.

Do you really think litterers give a crap about what some bear in a ranger’s hat says? “Oh no, that shirtless anthropomorphic bear on TV pointed at me and told me to pour water on my campfire before I leave, guess I’d better do it!” Don’t make me laugh. You might even be making things worse.

Personally, I know every time an animal tries to tell ME not to do something I go out of my way to do it even more just to spite them. “Who does that old owl think he is, ordering me not to litter,” I’ll say to myself as I hoist an old television off an overpass and into the rushing river below, “I’ll show him who’s king of the jungle.” Then I’ll dust off my pants, get back into the car, and drive home, making sure to toss some fast food wrappers out the window on the way. That sort of littering gives me a lot of satisfaction.

Fuzzy Wuzzy

Fuzzy WuzzyThe old rhyme goes like this: “Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t Fuzzy, was he?”

This is a tough question. I’m not entirely sure I’m equipped to make judgments as to the hirsuteness of this particular bear based solely on the information which has been provided to me. But since the author is practically forcing me to, I guess I’ll say no, he wasn’t.

I feel my reasoning behind this is sound. Here’s the evidence we have:

A. Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear

B. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair

The second part alone would be enough to get this case thrown out of court. Obviously if a creature does not have hair it would be impossible for it to be considered fuzzy. Unless of course the author is making a distinction between hair and fur, in which case it is entirely possible that this was simply a trick question (i.e. Fuzzy Wuzzy did not have hair, but he certainly did have fur, so therefore he is indeed fuzzy). But as there is no overt reference to this in the text, I’m going to have to stick with my original answer of no.

Showbiz Pizza Bears

Some bears are not bears at all. Some are machines; a layer of dusty worn fur loosely covering a grinning silver exoskeleton. I don’t think it’s really necessary for me to explain why these two terrifying animatronic monstrosities were included on this list, but lets just go right ahead and close out this article by taking a look at these two bears and their bandmates (who, in case you didn't know, would often perform at Circus Pizza and Showbiz Pizza restaurants in the 90s).

Billybob Bear & Beach Bear

Showbiz Bears
Wow. I've never seen such a couple of idiot bears in my life. Billybob apparently is some kind of a hillbear who simply stands on stage grinning and fake strumming that awful bark banjo of his. None of the songs ever have banjo, but I'll be damned if he doesn't play on every one. If I remember correctly, he always has a jug of moonshine (marked XXX) sitting on the ground next to him while he performs too. What a lush.

And don't get me started on Beach Bear. I think he's supposed to be Jimmy Buffet, but he looks more like Superdave Osborne to me. And is he wearing a wig? Forget it. I don't wanna know. I'm not even sure what type of bear he's supposed to be. He looks more like a sloth. I'm pretty sure a sloth isn't a bear.

The Band

Showbiz Band
Uh yeah...OK. So this is what you're going with huh? This is the rest of the Showbiz Pizza band? Let's see here: In the top row we've got Mournful Spacedog with Rosachea on drums (well, drum anyway), Wild-Eyed Child Predator Wolf in Foppish Vest on...muppet I guess, and then a bird in a drum of tar holding a notepad with a plant growing out of it's head. Seems perfectly normal to me!

Then in row two are Gorilla in Satin Tuxedo and the murderous cheerleader mouse woman with ample breasts (seen reveling after a kill in this photo). The thing I remember most about this mouse was that kids would always run up and lift up her skirt to try and get a cheap thrill. Obviously they didn't think this through. I'm not quite sure what they thought the best case scenario was going to be. Leave it alone.

And that’s all the Worst Bear Awards I can stand to hand out right now. Don’t expect to hear any more about bears for along time either, because I'm sick of them.

P.S. I hate bears.