The American Flag Sucks

Flag CrapI am getting really tired of seeing the American flag. There are too many of them around. I don't even understand the point of it. We all know where we live. Everyone around here does. I bet a lot of people are probably getting tired of seeing it.
It's like when a celebrity appears in too many movies consecutively and everyone starts to hate them. It doesn't matter how great they are, or whether the movies were any good, after a while you just don't want to see or hear anything else about them ever again. That's kind of how I feel about the American flag right about now. I guess the American flag has become my Will Ferrel. But hey, let's get a little more in-depth about why the flag blows.

Poor Choice of Colors

Bad ColorsObviously Betty Ross or whoever is was who designed this stupid thing didn't know much about complimentary colors. Red and blue? Shit. It's shit. You can't just throw those two colors together like that and expect it to work. It just looks bad. Switch that red out for some orange or yellow; it would look way better.

Has a Stupid nickname (Old Glory).

Seriously, what kind of a dumbass nickname is this? Old glory sounds like what some 68-year-old hooker would call her battered-up catcher's mitt of a vagina. Get rid of it.

Overused on Shitty Products

It's easy to understand why many companies put the American flag on their products. It's obviously so they can sell more junk. A small segment of the population (Walmart shoppers with names like Mearle Jones or Bose Cottondale or Railhouse Tombstone or whatever the fuck) are going to be a hell of a lot more likely to buy your XXXL sweater if it's got an American flag on it, so they slap one on there. Why not? It's just a few extra cents, and the customer appreciates the effort.
I've seen it myself. He'll walk over, pick the thing up, inspect it for a second, and then nod his head approvingly while muttering something like "Mmm..the old stars and bars..." and then toss the shirt into his cart on top of a 15 dollar Apex DVD player, a copy of Maxim, and 48 pack of Sam's Choice cola. Trust me, it happens.

It's Associated With Awful Music

Whether it's in a music video, album cover, or during the national anthem, you'll usually see an American flag when you're forced to listen to patriotic songs. This isn't the flag's fault, but still, it sure doesn't help that every time I see a flag I get that Lee Greenwood song "God Bless The USA" stuck in my head. I'd rather climb into an iron maiden than listen to that piece of shit even one more time.


Mmmm, yum.

There Are Plenty of Cooler Flags

You'd think that the most powerful nation in the world would also have the best flag right? Wrooooong. Many other countries have flags which are 100 times cooler than America's. Here are just a few.


ANgola Flag
A machete and a half cog? The machete symbolizes the glimmering blade of justice as it hacks away the arms of dissenters, as the cog drives the wheels of Law forward over the battered corpses of those who would oppose the regime. That's pretty badass. The US flag only could only dream of being this cool.

Northern Mariana Islands

Mariana Islands
Dear Northern Mariana Islands, Your flag appears to be a combination of the Stanley Cup and a Wreath Given to Horses Who Have Placed First in the Kentucky Derby. Well done.

Sri Lanka

Sri Lanka
Dangering! Venture! Encapsulating excited! In visit of Republic of Sri Lanka; become in compliance with the lion!
- Message: Republic of Sri Lanka board tourism.

Even Crappy Flags Are Far More Interesting

One thing is for sure though: The US certainly doesn't have the worst flag. It might be below average, but it's nowhere NEAR as bad as any of these flags. And yet, they are somehow still about 100 times more exciting.


Haiti Flag
My fellow Haitians! Let us defend our single palm tree to the last man utilizing these antiquated weapons!

St. Pierre and Miquelon

Miq Flag
You know what? Let's just combine all these images from the backs of generic playing card decks and this piece of boat clip art for our flag. Not like it matters; nobody even knows who we are anyway.


Belize Flag
Come to Belize, where shirtless cartoon versions of the cast of Brian's Song inexplicably perform manual labor upon tiny floating plots of land.

Christmas Island

Christmas Island


Alright, that's all I have to say about flags for the time being. I realize this article probably wasn't very funny, but hey, I was talking about flags, so give me a break. Just how hilarious did you think a flag article was going to be anyway? I think I did pretty well, considering the material I was given to work with.

End Guy