America: An Inferior Primer

Bigfoot
By Henry
The United States of America. Land of the free. Home of the Brave. House of 1,000 Corpses. A world untouched by time. Some people call it “The Happiest place on earth”. Others refer to it as “Old usa (OO-SAH)”. But what is the real story behind the most powerful nation in the universe? That’s what our crack team of undercover investigators set out to uncover. Did they succeed? Reading this article is the only way to find out! (This is what I call “teasing the story”) Here’s a quick history of U S and A.



Pilgrimage
Pilgrim
A long time ago, some European people in hot wool clothes got tired of being pushed around by the church and so they climbed onto boats and began sailing around until they found the United States, where they changed into pilgrim outfits and got out. It was a pretty nice place so they decided to stay. And one man said “I claim this land for Spain”. Honestly I'm not too sure why he said this, but you can't change history.

Some American Indians that lived in some nearby woods saw the pilgrims setting up for the long haul, and one came out and said “Whoa whoa whoa! We already live here, you can’t just—” Then one of the white guys shot him because he didn’t speak American like the whites. Then each of the pilgrims slaughtered an Indian and feasted on their flesh. And this was the first thanksgiving.


Independence
Revolution

The pilgrims lived in America for a bit, and life was hard. They didn’t have eyeglasses or shoes like we do today, and some people even died. Then the people decided they wanted independence, so they kicked the British around and threw some coffee into the ocean or something. Lots of the British loyalists left for England and Canada (suckeerrrrs!) and ton more whites came around to see what was up.

Soon the new Americans must have thought they were running out of room, because they began to slaughter the real Americans (the Indians) and the Buffalo. In a short time most of the Indians were dead (and some A-hole shot Kevin Costner’s dog Two Socks), and a lot of trees and other animals got maimed and burned up. The Pilgrims were happier, because the place was starting to look and feel a lot more like England (the place they had fled from because innocent people were being wrongfully persecuted and killed because they were different).


Slaves & War (Civil)
Old Linky
The white people got lonely though, since pretty much all of the Indians were dead they didn’t have anybody to kick around anymore, so they brought over a ton of African slaves to do work for them. Some people like to say that the United States was built on the blood and sweat of our ancestors. If you ever said this, you would probably be incorrect (unless you’re black). If you’re some kind of white trash like I am, the only sweating your ancestors did was from sitting on the front porch while the black people did all the work, or maybe from swinging a whip.

After a bit, most of the people in the northern half of the US decided that slavery wasn’t such a hot idea after all, and decided that they would upgrade black people from slaves to second class citizens (like the Mexicans and Chinese). The southerners didn’t agree.

“Screw that noise!” they said, and crossed their flabby arms stubbornly.

But he northerners had a badass brawler named Lincoln, who wore an awesome stovepipe hat, and he said,

“Listen up you hicks, we’re freeing the slaves whether you like it or not, so deal with it!”

Then one of the southerners spat out of the side of his mouth, tipped his hat to one side and raised his fists, saying,

“Sheeeat, y’all want our slaves y’all ken come n’ takem frum us!”

Lincoln laughed heartily and said.

“Oh? So you wanna get froggy eh? You wanna throw some hands baby?!” Then he began to roll up his sleeves, saying, “Let’s roll boys.”. The north went to war with the south and won and the slaves were free.

“Aw shucks…” Said the south.
 

World Wars & Depression
WW2
“War…War never changes.” World War One broke out. America decided it wasn’t their problem, and figured they would let the Europeans fight it out over there for a while. Some Americans did decide to go over there and help anyway though, including Hemingway, and that’s no small favor.

That war took a while to end, but soon it did, and the US wiped its brow and said “boy, we sure dodged a bullet on that one” and people celebrated by throwing the country into a period of violent industrial growth and almost immediately afterward the stock market crashed. The Joad family had to travel all the way across the country to California in a rickety old car, and when they got there it wasn’t much better and Henry Fonda gave a speech about how he’d be there when a cop was beating up on a guy. Things were looking grim.

But for some reason, Germany started to get uppity again and began invading everyone without even asking permission. The rest of the major countries (not the US, we were neutral again) in the world were understandably annoyed by this, and most of them responded by declaring war right back on the Germans. That is, except for Japan, a nation of NON-WHITE ASIANS who had the bright idea to ally with a WHITE SUPREMACIST.

Japan also had another really smart idea too: To make a surprise attack against a neutral nation which also happened to be the most powerful nation in the world (USA! USA!). After Japan did this, America decided to join the war; helping to defeat Germany in Europe, and dropping some horribly destructive bombs on innocent Japanese citizens (a downer I know, but I’m pretty sure it’s true!). The bombs seemed to work, and Japan surrendered and became a pretty cool country. Their only further crimes against America took the form of poorly-animated cartoon shows and films, which the continue to ship overseas to lonely US citizens.

50s & 60s & More
Hippy
After World War II, a few other things happened. The 50s came along for some reason, ushering in an era of pasty poodle skirt wearing teens and large meaty men who wore sweaters in the summer and smoked polished wooden pipes. Most everyone still pushed black people around; probably because they were jealous that most black people of the 50s weren’t big stumbling dorks like us whiteys.

These were dark times, but soon they came to an end with the Vietnam War, which I think everyone really enjoyed. It lasted for a long time, and nobody seemed to be winning, so America gave up after a while. Thankfully, this would probably be the last time America would rush into a disastrous conflict against a third world country for no good reason.

By this time black people had started to get more respect. This was because of a lady who wanted to sit on a bus, and also because of the time that Sam from Quantum Leap warped into the body of a black guy and sat on a stool in the diner and ordered some pie and all the white people in the diner gasped. US Citizens were now free to move on from discriminating against black people, and to begin harassing gays and Mexicans.



The 70s 80s & Today
Test Pattern
A bunch more stuff happened in the 70s, like tight brown pants and loose brown haircuts. Then the 80s came along and people decided they were just going to sit down in front of the TV and get fat for a while. As far as I know they haven’t gotten up since.