Airborne: Nose Candy For Noses

AirborneWhat is Airborne? Why, a popular dietary supplement of course! Like most other dietary supplements, it has never actually been proven to do anything. People still enjoy spending money on it though, because it's the easiest way for them to feel like they're taking care of themselves without actually having to do any real work (such as exercising or not eating twelve Ho-Hos in an hour).
 
I'd been hearing a whole lot about this fascinating product lately, so out of curiosity I decided to purchase a bottle. Then I thought about how much work that would be and decided against it. Then I thought, "Eh, what the hell, I might as well just go do it." and got up from my chair. But as I began walking toward the door, I thought I felt a bit of a headache coming on and figured I'd better lie down for a minute. Then I fell asleep. I didn't end up buying any of the Airborne after all. But I did compile these 100% TRUE FACTS about it.

Fact 1: Airborne was "Invented by a Schoolteacher".

Hey Teach!It's true! Their website (and the front of their box) says so. I assume they think that any doubts skeptics might have about this product will instantly vanish upon hearing this. "A teacher?! I must say, that IS prestigious... Teachers go to college! They read books every day! And teachers are around sick kids all the time so they must know about colds and how to cure them with vitamins! I honestly can't think of another profession which would make a person more qualified to synthesize a product designed to combat a virus as hardy and complex as the common cold!"
 
Think of it: A cure for the cold has eluded even the greatest scientific and medical minds throughout history, and suddenly some 2nd grade teacher just sort of comes up with the idea for Airborne out of thin air one afternoon while wiping snot off a plateglass window. She sure showed those old sciencey fuddy duddies! Teachers rule!

Fact 2: Airborne is Available at Real Stores From TV!

ShoppersMany people believe that since Airborne is sold at huge retailers like CVS, Walgreens, and Target, it MUST be effective. "Why else would they sell it?" a mustachioed woman with a hand down the front of her stained purple jumpsuit might be heard to remark while raking her stubby fingers through a greasy clump of unkempt pubic hair, "They wouldn't sell it if it didn't work!"
 
She can be forgiven for thinking this way. It sort of makes sense, if you look at it through the haze of a strange brand of hill-folk logic many of these people utilize. But what many seem to forget is that these major retailers exist for only one reason: To take as much of your money as possible. Wal-mart is not a neighborhood "friend" who does you a favor by offering great deals on only the products they deem to be of the highest quality, it is a publicly traded corporation attempting to make the most money possible, by selling you anything they are legally allowed to sell you. So really, the only reason these retailers sell Airborne is because ignorant people are willing to pay for it. They would sell cocaine pizzas & do-it-yourself autoerotic asphyxiation kits too, if it weren't against the law.

Fact 3: Airborne Does Not Actually Do Anything

SneezerAt least, not anymore. It seems that losing a number of EXPENSIVE LAWSUITS has caused the manufacturers of airborne to reconsider their position on what their product actually does. Let's take a look at what they've changed.

Original Claim:

'Airborne can prevent colds, reduce the risk of colds, shorten the duration of colds, fight germs, and protect people from germs in crowded places.'

Revised Claim:

"The Airborne health formula is designed to support your immune system through its blend of vitamins and minerals. Airborne's unique combination of vitamins, nutrients and proprietary blend of herbal extracts all work together to create the formula that people swear by."


This information comes from the "Our Belief" section of their official website. I assume "our belief" in this case means: "We think this is what this crap does or at least this is the most we can safely say about it without being sued again oh god please don't sue us again we love our millions so very dearly (morphs into anthropomorphic duck and dives into vaultful of gold coins)."

Fact 4: An Interview With Airborne Itself

Airborne REALInterviewer: Hey, what's this airborne stuff you're selling?

Airborne: DO YOU KNOW AIRBORNE WAS INVENTED BY A TEACHER! IT HAS MINERALS AND PLANTS IN IT TO SUPPORT YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM! LOOK AT IT! IT LOOKS JUST LIKE MEDICINE FROM A DOCTOR!

Interviewer: Does it really work?

Airborne: MANY PEOPLE USE IT! SOME OF THE INGREDIENTS ARE KNOWN TO SUPPORT YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM BY SCIENTIFIC PEOPLE IN STUDIES AND MEDICAL JOURNALS!

Interviewer: Wait, that's awfully vague. I'm not sure what "support your immune system" even means. Could you maybe clarify that a bit?

Airborne: AIRBORNE CONTAINS HERBS AND SPICES LIKE THE ONES CHINESE PEOPLE USE! IT ALSO HAS ZINC, A KNOWN PERIODIC ELEMENT! AIRBORNE IS WHEAT AND GLUTEN FREE!

Interviewer: But wait, you didn't even answer my ques-

Airborne: SUPPORTING YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM IS OUR FOCUS! THE IMMUNE SYSTEM IS A BALANCED NETWORK OF CELLS AND ORGANS WORKING TOGETHER TO KEEP YOUR BODY HEALTHY!

Interviewer: I'm leaving.
 
Airborne: WE ARE PROUND TO ANNOUNCE AIRBORNE IS NOW AVAILABLE IN BOYSENBERRY BURST, FEED THE NEED FOR FEED!


Airborne Rules