Advice Column: Relationship Trouble

Relationship I feel I have a lot of good advice to give, but usually nobody wants to hear it. Oftentimes I find myself reading newspaper advice columns and angrily shouting out the answers to the questions people have asked.

Usually the other patients get scared when I do this. Then the lady in the white dress says it's time for me to take my blue and white pills. Then I don't feel anything for a while and I watch some shows on the TV. In celebration of this, I will now answer a number of random relationship questions which were not posed to me in the first place.

A Nice Young Man

BikiniMy boyfriend told me around last year summertime that I needed to lose weight if I wanted to wear my favorite bikini. Now I don't even want to undress in front of him. I feel judged and rejected. What should I do?

Don’t feel bad. Your boyfriend isn’t trying to hurt your feelings; he is just telling you this because he thinks you’re super fat. Honesty is very important in a relationship; you should be grateful you have such a truthful man in your life. You can turn the tables on him though, by developing an eating disorder. The day that he bursts into the bathroom to find you hunched over the toilet with a chubby finger thrust down your throat and what appears to be curds of bile dribbling down your chin is the day he stops telling you that you look fat.

If you think that contracting a dangerous and harmful disorder isn’t for you though, you might consider leaving your boyfriend because he is an ass. Either that, or you could continue to delude yourself into thinking that a man who callously (albeit indirectly) calls you a hideous pockmarked mass of cellulite garbage is worth sticking around for. Whatever works for you.

Change for a Twenty

ProstituteI'm in I guess an emotionally abusive relationship. He isn't my boyfriend, but we have sex. Its gotten to the point that he has told me that I am no good in bed and that in fact I should pay him for sex. One time he made me give him $20! And I did it. How can I get out of what I know is a bad relationship for me? I mean I think I love him.

Ah! I know how you can get out. You’ve got to hit this man where it hurts: In his wallet. So now, each time he makes you pay him for sex, ask for a receipt so you can claim it on your taxes. It’s unlikely that he has the materials on hand to produce any such document in large numbers, so he’ll have to go out and purchase a number of expensive pieces of equipment from an office supply store in order that he might print out the receipts in bulk (to save time and money).

And now you’ve got him right where you want him. Begin having sex with him at twenty minute intervals throughout the entire day for weeks at a time. There will come a point when it simply becomes too costly for him to keep track of and print up enough sex receipts on his own and he will have to hire some outside help. Then when someone comes in for an interview, dash into the room and shout, “Help! My boyfriend asked me to pay him for sex and I did!” The applicant will most likely just sort of stare at you with a troubled look on their face and then leave.

Amazon Woman Needs Love

Tall WomanI want a mate who is taller than me, makes more money than me, no kids, but wants them. Are those unrealistic goals for a possible match? And if so -- what can I do about it? I want to get married.

Dear lady: First of all I sure hope you aren’t that fourteen foot tall woman who makes Thirty Billion a year I saw on the news. If you are, boy oh boy, good luck. But come on, even if you aren’t that woman, what kind of uncreative traits are these to come up with for a fictional mate?
Check mine out: I want a girlfriend who: is insanely cute and also beautiful, laughs at everything I say, never looks at or talks to another man, is extremely smart (but not smarter than me), doesn’t have any close family I have to meet, makes billions of dollars a year with very little effort in the pharmaceutical industry, is small enough that I can easily toss her down a well, is not a fan of movie theater butter popcorn, enjoys watching me jump rope, and cries when she watches most episodes of Frontline. Oh, and she should also be made entirely of gold.

Make Him Do It

DexterI have been in this "sort of" relationship for about 18 months with a man I adore. While not a perfect man, he is perfect for me. He still says he wants to keep things "without a title" because he doesn't want to hurt or disappoint me. He says that he is only seeing and sleeping with me. What else do I need to do? Why won't this man love me? Why doesn't he want me?

Don’t wait another moment: Dump this man immediately! Don’t tell me you haven’t recognized the signs...The apparent lack of interest in other women, the “supposed” concern for your feelings, the “perceived” inability to apply a meaningless and possibly harmful label to an ostensibly strong relationship? Such a man does not exist. These things are a clever act designed to pull you and your children into this man's web if deciept. Do I have to spell it out for you: The man is a serial killer! Oh you stupid, stupid woman.

Quickly now, head down into the cellar. Nice and slow now. Don’t arouse suspicion. Stairs one at a time. One foot in front of the other. Easy does it. There we go. Now out across the floor and over to the freezer. That’s a good girl. We mustn’t wake him. Oh please god just let him sleep just a few minutes more. Try the lid now. Hmm…locked. What to do, what to do...Ah! The shovel! The shovel. Over there by the window. Take it, take it! Now smash the lock, smash it! What? A noise from upstairs? No...there isn't time—the lid. What…Oh god. Ohgodohgodohgodohgod. Sweet merciful god no. No. no. no. no. no. So much blood. Oh so very very very much blood. Oh no. The children! The children! You must get to the children! Up the stairs; there isn’t a moment to…NOWAITLOOKOU—