Anger Advice

M. Anger answers your questions about anything and everything. In today's column: Dead pets, angry mothers, drunks, and debt.

Dead Dog
Dead Dog
Concerned Mother asks:
Please help! Last evening our dog Bobo was hit and killed by a car. Our 8-year-old daughter Midge had been in the back yard playing with the dog and it didn’t come when she called her, so our daughter left her in the yard. Later the dog climbed the fence and ran into the street.

We don’t know what to tell our daughter! Should we tell her the truth? I don’t want her to feel that it was her fault and keep thinking of how her dog was killed. Should we tell Julie her dog ran away? She will want to look for Cocoa and put up flyers to find her.

What is the best way to handle this?

M. Anger:
This is a lot easier than you’re making it out to be. You have two options available to you, both of which are pretty simple:

  1. The Truth
    Your daughter is very young, and so still has a lot to learn about life. This situation is a great opportunity to introduce your daughter for one of the most important aspects of life: reality.

    “Oh my little Midge, you were careless and now you see the consequences of your actions. Your best friend is dead and there’s nothing you can do to bring him back. Imagine your little Bobo careening through an endless void of nothingness and despair, his little legs scrabbling fruitlessly in black space. If only you would have cared enough to bring him in the house, this could have all been avoided. Look over there, at Bobo’s fluffy bed by the fireplace. See how the fabric is molded to the shape of his little body? Remember the cold and windy nights he would nestle there, cuddled in the folds of his favorite blanket? Well never again. And it’s all because of you.

  2. Fantastic Lies
    Small children are gullible, and will believe nearly anything their parents tell them! You must use this to your advantage. You might say that you were looking out the window and a friendly sasquatch burst through the foliage and carried Bobo happily away for a sasquatch holiday on his back.

    Alternatively, you could say that Bobo had recently come up to you begging your permission to leave home to pursue a career in television, and that you granted his wish. Then, if you and your daughter are watching television and a dog looking a lot like Bobo appears you can say “Look honey, it’s Bobo, he made it after all, and he’s famous!” She will say, “Really mommy, really?!” and you can just nod while stroking her hair and say “Yes my dearest, the world really is a beautiful place isn’t it?” as your husband heaps the last pile of dirt on Bobo’s grave in the garden outside.

Blur Drunk
Troubled Drunkard asks:
Man, it's not even halfway through the month and my paycheck is already gone. Friday night is approaching and I wanna get all loaded up but I don't have the dough. How can a smart guy get boozed on the cheap?

M. Anger:
Well I don’t know about a smart guy, but I’ve got a solution that YOU might try. Since you’re obviously low on cash, try explaining your situation to your boss:

“Sir, I’m a desperately lonely blue collar worker of below-average intelligence whose entire life is really nothing more than a drink from a deep well of depression and despair. I could try figuring out what’s wrong with me but that seems like a whole lot of work, so I’d rather just numb the pain with sweet, sweet booze. Might I work a bit of overtime so that I might stave off suicide for just one more week? All I have to look forward to is that numb alcoholic haze… You’ve got to help me… (gentle weeping)”

I hope this puts you on the right track, and thanks very much for writing in!

Sleaze Guy
Natural Woman asks:
I have a boyfriend that I really love very much. I’m honest with him and I always trusted him... But after a four month relationship, I have just discovered that he has another girl. Also, this girl was already his girlfriend before me. He says he knew the girl only through the cellphone, and that they haven’t met yet.

Please help me, I don’t know what to do, as I really love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He apologized and said that he will forget the other girl for me, but they are still communicating. Please help me ASAP... Thank you... Your advice will be a great help for me!

M. Anger:
First of all, I just wanted to congratulate you on your great catch, I can really see why you like this guy! But don't worry so much, you’re getting worked up over nothing. A man having two girlfriends is not at all unusual (in fact, most men are known to have 3 or 4 at a time). All this means is that your man has a lot of love to give! You just have to figure out a way to harness his love and keep it all to yourself, so that you might drown out the niggling voices of your own insecurities with his affection.

The best way to go about doing this is to find out the address of the other girl and pay her a visit. If she lives in an apartment, go up and mash your repeatedly on random buttons on the intercom and shouting something like, “Whore! You have a WHORE living here! Cheryl in apartment 214 is a cheap WHOOOOORE!” If she wears a mink coat, you could also try throwing paint on it as she leaves a department store and screaming “murderer!” That would be great.

Teen Idols
Teel Girls
Scared Parent asks:
What do I do with my teenager?

M. Anger:
How should I know? Play indoor volleyball at the YMCA? Enter a slot car derby? Rig them up to a series of ropes and pulleys in order that you might make their limbs move in a realistic fashion before rigormortis sets in? I do not know what your goals for them are. Thanks for wasting everyone’s time.

Bad Mother
Big Mommy
Embattled Widow asks:
My daughter’s swim meet was yesterday, and all of the parents were on their best behavior, except one mother. She was rude to almost everyone. She threw the stop watch at my husband when it was his turn to time. She also had on Levis that were TOO low for her. Her big butt was hanging out all day. I heard a lot of the other swimmers saying how gross she was. What is the best way to handle parents like these?

M. Anger:
It isn’t up to you to judge how attractive a fat woman’s rear-end is. A lot of the fathers and older children around were probably getting themselves a cheap thrill by looking at her, and who are you to deny them this? You strike me as a selfish and jealous woman; I suggest that you look inward before you judge someone else. For example, have you ever:

  • Thrown a toy at a child in anger?
  • Carried illegal drugs across state lines just for fun?
  • Feigned a work-related injury?
  • Cheated on your spouse in order to get back at them for some perceived offense?
  • Mainlined black tar heroin?
  • Dented a parked car with your door and left a fake note because someone was watching you?

If not, you really should try these things, they can be a lot of fun.

Wasteful Wife
Waste Cash
Sexy Chocolate asks:
I'm a debt-free person, but my wife's a compulsive shopper. A year after I married her, I discovered she was in debt to banks and credit card companies for over $100,000. Now she's asked me to co-sign a loan to expand her child-care business. How can I get her to see she's putting us at great financial risk?

M. Anger:
Putting you at great financial risk?! Enabling you to succeed is more like it. Your perception of things must be skewed. Your wife is an investor, a go-getter, a venture capitalist, and what are you? A scared little boy. The child care industry is a lucrative new field, and you are lucky to be with a woman who realizes this and is driven to succeed.

As for her debts, what’s a little more debt between friends? $100,000, $300,000, $1,000,000, it doesn’t matter. You’re sure not going to be able to pay it back in your lifetime, so why not live it up in the fast lane? Why not live your life as Vin Diesel does, 'a quarter mile at a time'? If her childcare business goes belly-up, what’s the worst that could happen? Will the bank going take your house and car and garnish your wages? Definitely. But the one thing they can never take is your dignity. So hey, keep your head held high and a spring in your step, even as you sink further and further into the swamp of unimaginable debt. Good luck.

If either of the people who reads this website has a question of their own, just write in using the contact form at the bottom of this page and it will be answered in a timely fashion.