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It seems like all you ever hear about is how awful it is to get old.
Back pain, high blood pressure, grey hair, rest homes, the inability to
see or hear anything, heart attacks, and death (yawn) and just a few of
the "negatives" which make aging seem less than desirable.
 
But here's what the pessimists don't tell you: There are also many
positive aspects to aging, many of which are cool enough to outweigh
the shitty stuff. Then again, I may be somewhat biased when it comes to
the elderly, as at the age of 27, I already posses many "old people"
traits.

My hair is already going grey, I complain constantly, take far too many
pills, spend almost my entire day napping, find loud music obnoxious,
and in public places I go out of my way to avoid groups of teenagers
because who knows they might be Kubrickian hooligans who'd jump me
"just for kicks". So maybe I'm an old person in spirit already. Who
knows.
 
Either way, I think you'll find that I still have some valid reasons
why it'll be awesome to get old. Take a look.

 

7. YOU DON'T HAVE TO HELP PEOPLE MOVE ANYMORE

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If there's one thing I can't stand, it's helping people move. Other
than my many glaring character flaws, I'd probably say that not wanting
to help people move is my number one reason for not having a lot of
friends. I cannot fathom what life would be like for someone with
hundreds of close friends. A full 75% of these people's lives must
consist of attempting to weasel out of and/or begrudgingly agreeing to
help their friends move.
 
When meeting someone for the first time, I often ask myself: Is this
person useful/amusing enough to me that I would be willing to mildly
inconvenience myself multiple times in the near future by helping them
move? More often than not, the answer is no, and I do not become their
friend. I think what I'm trying to say here is: Live a lonely,
friendless life so you don't have to feel obligated to help people move
heavy furniture.

But There Is Hope...In Oldness

Little recognized fact: Old people are not bound by these rules. Nobody
expects some old woman to carry a couch up three flights of apartment
stairs. It'd never even be considered as an option. So the elderly get
the best of both worlds: They get a free pass on moving day while still
maintaining their closest friendships.

And not only that, but when you're old, you can also guilt trip
people into helping you move (i.e. doing all the work while you
sit in an easy chair because you are old) more easily. If you're lucky,
you might not even have to get out of bed.

Talk about fantastic. Being old rules!

6. YOU CAN FEEL SUPERIOR TO THOSE WHO DIED BEFORE THEIR TIME

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Whenever I look through he obituaries, I always check the ages of the
dead to see how many people died younger than I currently am. I
consider these to be the people I've "beaten" at life. So where others
might see dead young people and think "It is always a tragedy when a
life is snuffed out before its time", I skim through pointing to
various notices and saying: "Beat that guy, beat that guy, beat that
guy," and so on. It might be heartless, but it really makes you feel
like a survivor, you know?

And as you get older, you'll no doubt find that the number of opponents
you've vanquished (i.e. people who died younger than you) will increase
exponentially, which I've found can really boost your self-esteem.
While many of you will no doubt find this "Ha-Ha! you died before I
did" attitude to be childish, heartless, or even offensive, you can't
deny that it is a fun and healthy way of dealing with the deaths of
people you will never meet.

Although...

If you find the obituaries depressing (and really, who doesn't) a
better way of dealing with them is probably to not read them at all, ever. It's not like you'd be missing anything important
anyway. If I ran the newspapers I'd just replace the entire obituary
section with a large-print notice which read:
 

PEOPLE DIE ALL THE TIME. IF YOU NEEDED TO HEAR ABOUT A DEATH IN AN
OBITUARY, THE PERSON WHO DIED WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT A BIG PART OF YOUR
LIFE, SO WHY WASTE YOUR TIME GRIEVING OVER THEIR PASSING? IGNORANCE IS
BLISS.

 

5. OLD MEN DON'T HAVE TO CHASE AFTER PURSE SNATCHERS

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If I was walking down the street with a girl today and some guy
snatched her purse and ran, society would probably expect me to chase
him simply because I'm a (relatively) young man. Let me tell you right
now: Never gonna happen. 

Girlfriend: That guy just stole
my purse!

Me: Oh shit!

Girlfriend: Come on! Go
after him! Get it back!

Me: Who, me?!

Girlfriend: You're the
man, you're supposed to chase him and
get it back for me!

Me: Hey, that's sexism, friend. Why is the male the one who has to risk his life?
Whatever happened to gender equality?

Girlfriend: But a man is supposed
to come to a girl's rescue!

Me: What is this the 18th
century? Are you a damsel in
distress? Listen, it's like 100 degrees out here! If you wanna get all
sweaty and risk getting knifed in the throat for some chapstick and a
couple Chipotle coupons, you can go right ahead, but I'm staying right
here.

Girlfriend: Alright then, I'm
breaking up with you due to
your insufferable selfishness and pointlessly contrarian attitude when
it comes to basic social codes. Also all you ever do is pop pills, eat
children's cereal, and watch old Walker Texas Ranger reruns.

Me: Sounds good to me. Frankly
I'm surprised it took you this
long to figure this stuff out (I swallow two 10mg Valium and begin
paging through a funny religious pamphlet I found on a nearby bench and
girding myself against the crushing depression which is sure to set in
over the next couple of weeks).

Obviously That Was Exaggerated A Bit

But honestly that's usually pretty
much how it goes down with me. But as for all that "men should be
old-timey
hat-tipping, mustache-twirling, ma'am-and-sir using, coat placing over
puddle gentlemen" bullshit: You can pound it.

In case you hadn't heard, this is the 21st century. If you wanna walk
some one piece bathing suit lifting trapezoidal weights, using the term
"man cave" unironically, and taking three and a half hours to shave
with a straight razor just because your racist great grandpa did it:
Fine, go right ahead. Shit, there's even a Site Build Specifically For
Regressive Self-Congratulatory Fauxconoclasts
like yourselves.
Check it out if you have a chance.
 
That's why I want to get old. Nobody expects "manliness" from an
86-year-old. "He's just an old man," they'll shrug "why, he's lucky to
even be alive after receiving such a scare!" Yes, the standards people
set for the elderly are so low that when you're old you even get
praised for FAILING TO DIE IN FAIRLY STRESSFUL SITUATIONS.

Sounds like a recipe for contentedness if you ask me.
 

4. YOU MIGHT AS WELL BECOME ADDICTED TO PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

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Some old people tend to complain about how boring their lives are. I've
never understood this, as the solution seems pretty obvious to me:
Become a prescription drug addict. You're nearly at death's door
anyway, so what have you really got to lose?
 
I'd be easy to take this the wrong way, but all I'm saying is, why not
spend your remaining years faking various disorders in order to score
some sweet, sweet scripts (Percocet, Valium, Amphetamines, Muscle
Relaxants) from an irresponsible doctor? What, you think they're gonna
get suspicious of some old person complaining about pain? Not a chance!
And since medicare'll probably pay for most of the stuff anyway, I say
go wild.

What's The Worst That Could Happen?

Your aging body shuts down due to all the unnecessary stresses you're
subjecting it to and you experience a stroke which renders you totally
unable to function thus forcing you to spend the remainder of your
years in hospice care sucking grey paste through a feeding tube as a
human vegetable while all your family can do is clasp your limp hand
and await your death?
 
OK that actually sounds pretty bad. Tell you what: Why don't you just
go ahead and toss this one in the "maybe" pile for now.
 

3. YOU CAN SAY A BUNCH OF RACIST THINGS AND GET AWAY WITH IT

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I'm not a big fan of racism in general, but I do get a lot of enjoyment
out of using racial epithets. I don't direct them at other humans or
anything, I mostly just like to pepper them into casual conversations
with friends or use them as exclamatories when I get injured or upset.
For me, it's far more cathartic than regular swearing, and it's also a
hell of a lot of fun.
 
So for example, if I bang my knee on a desk or something, instead of
saying "Goddammit!" or "Shit!" I scream something like "Fucking wop!"
or "Shit Fuck Kike Spic!" Obviously this behavior is both highly
offensive and inappropriate, so I have to be very careful who's around
when I do it, as I wouldn't want to offend anyone. In other words: I
just gotta be careful not to do this at work so I don't get fired.

But Here's My Point

I've always been jealous of old bigots. They're always able to get away
with so many more racial slurs than someone like me is. I mean sure,
people still get offended when some old guy starts rambling on about
"the gooks" or "the blacks" something, but they are far less likely to
call him on it than they would be if I had said the same thing. And
trust me, I've got plenty of old bigots in my family, so I've got
firsthand experience with this kind of thing.
 
I guess all I'm saying is that it'll be nice when I'm old and people
are too afraid to give me a lecture when I drop something on my foot
and scream something about micks.

That's a perfectly rational desire, right?
 
 

2. LOWERED SEX DRIVE

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While most men (likely 99.99%) are likely horrified at the idea that
their sex drive will significantly decrease (or in a worst case
scenario, vanish entirely) with age. But the more I think about this
issue, the more sure I become that I probably wouldn't mind.
 
I tend to think of the desire for sex as being quite similar to the
need for urination, or sleep: It's inconvenient, distracting, and until
you get relief from it, it's nearly impossible to concentrate on
anything. It's enough to drive a person insane.

For "normal" functions, there are almost always immediate "fixes"
available to sufferers. Gotta pee? Go the bathroom. Feeling tired? Get
some rest, drink a cup of coffee, or pop some amphetamines. But out in
public, sexual urges are all but impossible to get rid of (for those of
us who aren't willing to masturbate in a bathroom stall at Whole Foods,
anyway).

A World Without Sex?

Consider, for a moment, just how much more peaceful and productive our
society could be if men's could be reprogrammed to relieve him from the
seeming uncontrollable impulse to plunge his engorged member
haphazardly into any moist orifice he happens to come across throughout
the day.

Without this constant desperate need for sex, the heterosexual men of
the world, now freed from the time-consuming (and expensive) ordeal
known as "chasing tail" would now be able to focus their brainpower on
issues far more important than sex, like purchasing razors with
progressively higher blade counts and working oneself into a blind rage
arguing on the internet about healthcare reform. Oh what a world it
would be!
 
Although, for the sake of fairness, I should also point out the one
potential "downside" to a world without a male sex drive: Rapid
depopulation followed by the extinction of the entire human race.

But hey, no idea is perfect.
 
 

1. THUGS ARE FAR LESS LIKELY TO BEAT YOU UP

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When it comes to lowering your risk of being randomly assaulted in
public, being old is nearly as good as being wheelchair-bound or
homeless. This is because (heartless though they may seem) even roving
bands of leather-clad, chain-wielding street toughs (still a serious
problem in larger cities) have standards when it comes to who they will
and will not assault. Those viewed as meek, harmless, or insignificant
are often given a "free pass" by violent criminals out of pity. Yes,
you'd be hard-pressed to find even a single story of an elderly,
handicapped, or mentally challenged person being harmed in any way.

A Shocking Statistic

Were you aware that women over the age of 50 are 74% less
likely to be the victim of a "random act of violence" than women who
fall below this cutoff? The exact reasons for this disparity are not
currently known, but many experts have theorized that these are numbers
I have simply pulled out of my ass in order to back up a baseless and
borderline idiotic claim about how old people are less likely to be
assaulted because people feel sorry for them because they are old.
 
I am deeply offended by these allegations, but there is little I can do
to fight them, as I am but a lowly blue-collar worker who lacks the
required funds to mount an adequate legal defense. But let me just ask
you this: Why would I take the time to publish something on the internet
if it weren't completely true? It simply doesn't make sense.
 

AND SO...

Traditionally, an article like this would be ended with a quote about
aging gracefully or dying with dignity. Obviously I wouldn't pull any
shit like that on here, so instead, here's a quote about the stock
market from Economist Benjamin Graham, who succumbed to the disease of
aging in 1976:

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Most of the time common stocks are subject to irrational and excessive
price fluctuations in both directions as the consequence of the
ingrained tendency of most people to speculate or gamble... to give way
to hope, fear and greed.

Thanks for the words of wisdom Ben.

Goodnight to all!

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